You should control your drinking when ...

... your maid warns you against it.

So this is how it happened.

I came back home pretty much wasted one night( or was it twilight?). I keep my front-door open so that my maid doesn't have to take pains to ring the bell for hours and I don't have to get out of my cozy bed to open the door. Anyway, I digress. So, she comes in and she finds me sleeping on my bed with the ash-tray on my chest and can you believe it - a cigarette in my mouth. A cigartette in you mouth while you are sleeping - How stupid can you get???????
She said a lot of things and I had no idea what she was saying as I was dying to complete my last-ball-bowling-hero-cricket-dream.
So, the next day she comes in and the only thing she says is " Bhaiya, bahut ho gaya, ab aap aisa karoge toh hum aapke Mummy ko bol denga". Here she was giving her last Italian-mafia style warning.
Now, readers, kindly note before reading the consequence of this event :
- Before this incident, I was pretty much sure that my maid was happy because she comes everyday to a flat who's owner is drunk asleep and doesn't care whether his maid cleans the house everyday or not. Also, she gets to sell so many bottles of beer and whisky everyday. But after the " sleeping yourself to glory with a cigg. in mouth" episode I came to know how much she was concerned and disappointed about my state of affairs.
- I also knew that she would never be able to tell my mom as they come to visit me once or twice a year and also she is not the kind who would take pleasure in telling a mother what her son is up to.

Whether it was my maid's concern for me or my realization of the stupidity to create a big accident or my being fed-up of drinking or me realising the ill-effects of drinking, the result is that I have had alcohol only once in 8 days. Also, I have been washing my drinking glasses myself just to make sure that my maid doesn't find out that I was drinking again.

For now, I just hope that I get back to my normal-social-drinking ways. Cheers to that!!!
And for a change I so don't want to sing

Last time I was sober, man I felt bad

Worst hangover that I ever had

It took six hamburgers and scotch all night

Nicotine for breakfast just to put me right

cos if you wanna run cool

If you wanna run cool

you got to run

On heavy, heavy fuel

Times they are a changing

Every time I write I "try" to be grammatically correct and coherent. And every time I want to write I keep in mind that people are reading( at least in the recent past). But as someone had said "I will love it if you write for yourself and not for others to read", so today I write for myself.

7Th Dec 2007, was the first time when I knew that my life with White was never going to culminate into marriage. After that I saw

  -  me breaking up with White

  - seven very close people breaking-up

  - my senior in college, my mentor and one of my best friends fighting for his         relationship and in the life that he believes in

 -  me realising my true calling in terms of career and getting a job which goes         on hold because of recession

 -  and many more things which I want to forget

That was 2008 in short. I was counting on the number of days left in 2008. And then happened 8th Dec 2008.  I was one of the three witnesses to a love-marriage of one of my friends. Something good has finally happened in my life. And now I want to believe that my time has changed. Now I want to believe that whomsoever I touch won't be jinxed.

  I have nearly been drinking all through the year. I am nearly an alcoholic and nearly a chain-smoker. Now is the time for me to change. I know whatever I have wished in life has not come true but somehow my gut-feeling says that things will change henceforth. This time I won't fail.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

P.S. - All you people reading this - stick with me because everyone around me will have a golden luck this year - and that's my gut-feeling and and at least my gut has never failed me.

Come gather round people wherever you roam

And admit that the waters around you have grown

And accept it that soon youll be drenched to the bone

If your time to you is worth saving

Then youd better start swimming or youll sink like a stone

For the times, they are a changing

- Bob Dylan

27 Down, A Lot More to Go

So tomorrow I celebrate my birthday. And by celebrate I mean drink, drink and then drink some more. I wanted to throw a big-big party. The idea was to throw a party to all my friends and friend-of-friends here in Delhi for one last time. More about the party later in the post. First let me list the things that have happened in my life in last one year.

- Touched international waters for the first time. I went to San Jose, CA for a month on an official trip. The trip was okay. The OOOH ESS of AYE didn't entice me much. After a month's time I was even more convinced that I wanted to spend rest of my life in India. The only good thing that happened there was cars with automatic transmission and driving at 100 mph.

- Nearly got married. Yes nearly. I was getting married to White, my school-time crush and the only girl I have ever loved. And just one month before the marriage we parted ways. Well, she is married and I am still getting over her. Can't imagine a birthday without her. This birthday would have been the first we would have celebrated not over the phone but with her being right beside me.

- The break-up was followed by six months of alcohol, lots and lots of cigarettes and depression. I must have spent more than a lakh on alcohol and cigarettes. I may not have become an alcoholic but I did come close. But yes, the best part is I don't remember the first six months of 2008.

- During this period I saw six people,who were very close to me, break-up with their loved ones. So now I call 2008 as the year of break-ups.

- Last thing to happen being a 26 year old was the quarter-life crisis (see last post). I wanted to get out of the coding job. Gave my GMAT, screwed it up, thought of packing my bags and going to Australia for MBA and start a new life. I was never a fan of MBA, but making a career shift required me to get that degree. Then I realised what I really wanted to do. I wanted to make a career in Internet-media. The latest on it is that I have nearly got a job, and it comes close to the kind of job I wanted. I haven't yet got an offer letter and so I wait. And seeing my luck in 2008 I fear that something will go wrong. Its been a month and the job thing is not yet confirmed. So all I can do is wait. I had wanted to resign on my birthday but seems I will have to wait a little longer. And the new jobthing is the reason I wanted to throw a huge party to all the people I know in Delhi for one last time. Well, the going-away party will have to wait.

- Some good things that happened in the past one year are

• I have started cooking and am loving it
• I have started blogging
• I have gained weight
• And finally, I have discovered some new friends (a post on it later)

I have a gut feeling that this birthday will change a lot of things in my life. Cheers to that and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

The one with the Quarter-life crisis

The Phoenix is back!!!!!

So many things happened in last couple of months. So many stories to write about. But maybe later.

    The latest in my life is my quarter-life crisis. I am tired of my boring software job. I want to move out, but the sad part is I don't know where. I have always been sure about what I want in life. And for the first time I don't know the answer to "what next?".

       I never wanted to get into the software field. I gave two and half years of my college life to start up a new company. When I failed at it, I wasn't disheartened. I knew I had White with me. I took up the first job that I got. The logic was to get married to White and settle down. I was happy with my job because it payed better than average s/w firms and the job was not so boring as other s/w jobs. 

          Now, White is no more in my life. It took me more than five months to get over the relationship and the pain.  And by the time I realised that I am not doing the kind of work I have always wanted to do, I had already spent two years of my professional life in this firm. 

        The big question is - Where do i go from here? Two years of s/w job and a degree in Computer Science from IIT don't leave me with much option. And I cannot explain to people why I was stuck in the s/w industry  when I never wanted to be a part of it. For the first time in my life my college degree has become the heaviest load.

        Now I am trying to apply for an MBA, not to earn another degree, but to negate my two years of experience and my college degree. And just like everything else going awry in 2008, I screwed up my GMAT.

        People ask me which line do I want to go to. I have no answers. They ask me what kind of job I want? Well, All I know is I need a job where I meet a lot of people, learn from them, see the business side of things, enjoy heavy work-load. And by the time I am finished with my description I find myself sounding like a kid who has just joined college.

        The only thing I am sure about is that I need to resign from my current job. That will again leave me with two options. One - I change my line, start from the bottom, and work my ass off to rise and shine. Flip side is I won't be paid as much as I am being paid in the current job. Also, I don't know whether I will be able to shine even if I work hard. Second option is to join another s/w firm, get a great hike as compared to my current salary and be content. But will that money make me happy? I do love money - but at what cost? Will it not be the same kind of life again??

          I just don't know what to do. I want to take risk - I have done that all my life . But where do i go? What line do I choose? In the past I have counselled so many people to take risk and to follow what their heart says. I have always believed that one should always know what one wants out of life. And here I am - having no clue about life.

   Anyhoo,among other things, I need to

      - go slow on alcohol and smoking. Well, maybe that will happen when I change my job and will have less of free time. I AM SHAMELESS. 

     - start playing some sport again. 

     - tidy up my flat.  

     - play more on my Nintendo WII

     - finish up my essays for B-school applications

     - Leave comments on blogs that I read

     - Be regular with my blog.

Till then let me hate my life!!!!!!!

Boredom killed the bird

I have shocked myself by putting up a new post. The way I run my life, methought it would be at least couple of months more before I came up with another post. But as fate would have it, my boss took-off from office after lunch, which means I have 4-5 hours to spend and nothing much to do. So why not update the blog.

Well, readers would be thinking that I usually don't get time in office to indulge in anything other than office work. But people who know me, are very well aware that I just don't work. My firm pays me only for signing the attendance register. And if you don't believe me, you can log on to gtalk and you will be entertained all throughout the day - but of course you won't have so much of a free time.

But I believe that my monthly pay is my hard-earned money. This is because it takes a lot of effort to act that you are busy and you are working. You will say what crap, but this is how it works

• You have to stay in office for 6-8 hours, doing nothing yet not dozing-off
• You have to be as good with the keyboard as was Beethoven with the piano. Otherwise, you cannot simultaneously chat with 3-5 people, keep shuffling between orkut,facebook and blogs, and find yourself typing lines of code every time you see your boss passing you by.
• You should always a have ready list of pending work, so that people don't bug you with their problems.
• You have to entertain your team-members at lunch table or at coffee/sutta breaks so that these sessions don't end up in a jiffy and people head back to their work.
• And your life becomes all the more difficult if you boss is a workaholic.
  

So yes, I do earn my money the hard way.

Now normally( or should I say once in a blue moon), when by boss leaves early, I head to Geoffrey's for a couple of bottles of beer. But my partner in crime got married a week back, and he is abstaining form such activities for the time being. So here I am updating my blog.

I suddenly realised that my life is a perfect pitch for a perfect husband of a working girl.

• Office hours - 12 noon to 6-7 pm. Which gives him 18 hours to do the daily chores
• Will be readily available during office hours if you feel bored and need a conversation over the phone
  
• Knows how to to cook.
• Knows how to drive so you don't need a driver to drop you to office or to take you to market
  
• Has envious collection of movies and music.
  
• Loves to spend.
• Doesn't carry his work to home
  
• Above all, contributes to the family earnings.

I wish I was a girl - I would have married myself ;(

I should better end the post now. I don't want it to turn into a more weirdly-unrelated-crap than it already is.

P.S. - Two hours still to go.

P.P.S - 1.5 hours.
.............
* Boredom kills phoenix*

Songs about rain

I loved the rains. It was my favourite season/weather. When I was a kid, I used to sit in my balcony, and watch the rainfall for hours. I just loved the sight of rain-water flooding the garden, a heavy stream flowing through the drains, people taking shelter inside the house under construction which was right across the street, the dark clouds, the lightening, in fact I loved just everything. If I were in school, I would make sure that I go out and play in the rains and get completely drenched. Even in college, my favorite days were the first monsoon rain. It was a pretty sight.

Rain had a special place in my relationship with White. I met White for the first time , when I was in sixth grade. I was representing my school in some Maggie quiz and White was representing hers. We were travelling in the same bus to reach the venue. And it rained all the day long. The most prominent memory of our first meeting was the rains.
White joined my school in 11th grade. That was when I ended up having a crush on her. And I remember those rainy days, when we were forced to stay back in the class in those free periods, which meant a chat session with White and her friends. Or after school, when I would purposely pass by her side drenching in the rain, when she would offer me to come under her umbrella (it was stupid and kiddish yet sweet).
When she proposed to me on the phone, I remember standing in the balcony watching the drizzle outside.
And it was raining on our first date . We went for a movie on her scooty (she would say its not a scooty its Activa). By the time we reached the theatre we were both wet. And it rained the whole day, and the next few days. Every day we would get wet and would end up in Barista , shivering, with coffee.
Whenever it rained, I would call her up (even if she was hundreds of miles away) , and we would dream of the time when we could enjoy the rains together in our balcony. So many memories .....

Its raining here today. And I hate it. I feel like throwing-up every minute. Every minute brings back those beautiful memories. And I cannot call her and tell her about the rain. And I realize that we will never ever be able to share the moment together. Will this ever end? I know there will be many more rainy days in my life. I know every time it would remind me of her. And I know it will leave me nauseated.

I HATE IT. I HATE THE RAINS.

Well this town has closed down, way too early
And there's nothing to do
So I'm driving around in circles
And I'm thinking about you
Today I heard you got a new last name
I sure didn't know it was gonna hit me this way
And the radio just keeps on playing all these
Songs About Rain...

Now there's all kinds of songs about babies
and love that goes right,
But for some unknown reason
Nobody wants to play them tonight,
Hey, I hope it's sunny wherever you are
That's sure not the picture, tonight in my car
And it sure ain't easin' my pain
All these songs like...

"Rainy Night In Georgia"
and "Kentucky Rain"
"Here Comes That Rainy Day Feeling Again",
"Blue Eyes Cryin" in the "Early Morning Rain"
They go on and on, and there's no two the same
Oh it would be easy to blame all these
Songs About Rain

Well, I thought I was over you
But I guess maybe I'm not
'Cause when I let you go
Looks like lonely is all that I got
I guess I'll never know what could have been
it sure ain't helping this mood that I'm in
If they're gonna keep on playin these songs like...

"Rainy Night In Georgia"
and "Kentucky Rain"
"Here Comes That Rainy Day Feeling Again",
"Blue Eyes Cryin" in the "Early Morning Rain"
They go on and on, and there's no two the same
Oh how I wish I could blame all these
Songs About Rain

All these Songs About Rain...

- Garry Allan - Songs about rain

...into the shining sun

Why is it that you don't believe it until you see it? And when you see it, you wish that you hadn't.

White got married on 20th. But there was no special gloom on that day. Or maybe arrival of the parents took away any chance of such an event. The thought remained at the back of the mind but never really came to the front until the other day.
I opened my orkut account and I saw the list of updates of people in my friends list. And there it was. A set of fourteen pictures of White's marriage. Her husband ( how strange it sounds) had supposedly put up the pictures of the marriage. And believe you me, curiosity does indeed kill the cat. I peeped into the album and then it really struck me. Till that time, there was a stupid, impossible but faint hope that maybe they didn't get married. But now I had visual proofs. It was all there. Each photo, telling a tale of its own, telling me it could have been me in the pictures, reminding me of all the dreams that we had dreamt together of how our marriage would be. Those photos will always be there to remind me of what I have missed.
Anyhoo, for one last time I must say this to myself - Now its finally the time to move on. May White have a great married life. Its time to bring back the spices and cook a new life for me.
And as the song goes

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the moment had arrived

For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the waiting had begun

And headed straight..into the shining sun

One of the better tags

This was an im-promtu tag for me in one of the parties ( not to mention that i was drunk when i took it). I vaguley remember what my anwers were, but i want to take it again. I had promised the person who introduced me to the tag, that i will put his/her link on the post whenever i take this tag. But, i want to say sorry to him/her because I want to keep my anon. thing going. So here it goes:

Rules of the tag : Various situations are given. You have to come up with a song( or set of songs) that aptly describe the particular situation in your life.

Your Life: The Soundtrack

Opening credits: main huun DON

Waking up : if i were a carpenter/ ring of fire

Average day: main zindagi ka saath nibhata chula gaya

First date :My heart is beating/ kuch kuch hota hai/ tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata koi

Falling in love : You fill up my senses(Annie's song)/ time's a wastin'/pal pal dil ke paas

Love scene: Making love out of nothing at all

Fight scene: i get knocked down(tubthumping)

Breaking up: Baat niklegi toh duur talak jaayegi / din dhal jaaye/ mera kuch samaan

Getting back together: Coming back to life

Secret love : pretty woman

Life's okay : Turn the page

Mental breakdown : yaad aa rahi hai

Driving : yeh raasta hai zindagi/paradise city/

Learning a lesson : turn the page

Deep thought : in the dangling conversation

Flashback : Tum se hi/ pal pal dil ke paas

Partying : Roadhouse blues

Happy dance : Whole Lotta Love

Regretting : yeh shaam fir nahi aayegi/wish you were here

Long night alone: sound of silence

Death scene : yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaaye

Closing credits : comfortably numb/whisky lullaby

Now, let me tell you readers these songs may not be the apt ones, but these are the ones currently going in my mind . i will definately update this blog from time to time to make it more true and apt.

And now time to play the devil.

I tag

1. Moo
2. Pri
3. Muggermuch ( i know you won't be taking this up .. but what the hell, i will give it a shot )
4. Avani ( if you have a blog )
5. anyone who wants to take it
   

Biryani Nights

Its been a month since I started cooking. Whenever you start cooking, you dream of cooking something exotic right from day one. One of such dishes on my wishlist was Kashmiri Mutton Biryani. So last week I finally decided to try my luck. But mind you, for a lazybone like me, the gestation period for any trivial task goes into weeks. Like, it took me three weeks to finally buy a running shoes that i needed for my gym and squash. And its been more than a month since i decided that i should join a gym and resume playing squash. It took me more than a month to get up early and go to office before noon.

To cook the biryani I needed to do a little bit of shopping. And it took me five days before I finally ended up shopping for the ingredients. And what an experience it was. Imagine a young guy going to a shop (famous for stocking various kinds of spices) which is full of species from the Venus-land. This is how it went

Me: Bhaiya kaun kaun se masale hote hain
( It was as if i had asked "aapke paas kaun kaun se condom hain" , because suddenly all eyes focussed on me as if I was the shop-jester for the night)
guy behind the counter(GBTC) : (with a smirk) aapko kaun se masale chahiye
Me: Mujhe maloom hota toh kya main aapse yeh poochta ki masale kitne tarah ke hote hain
GBTC : Humare paas 100 se bhi zyada masale hain.
( realising that this conversation was not going anywhere i tried recollecting all the ingredients from the recipe i picked from the net)
Me : Laung, Ilaichi, sheh-zeera, cardamon ,cinnamon ...
GBTC :(interrupting) carmom,chinmom kya hota hai
Me : Arre hadd karte ho, maloom hota toh bolta na hindi mein
GBTC : yahaan bahut customer hain, aap pata karke aayeeye ki aapko kya chaahiye
( Now I was on the verge of losing my temper, when suddenly the owner of the shop - an old lady, came to my rescue)
The old lady( TOL) : Beta cardamon bole toh ilaichi, cinnamon bole toh dal-chini. Waise tum kya bananae waale ho?
Me : Aunty abhi tak toh biryani banane ki koshish kar raha tha, par lagta nahi ki banega.
TOL : Koi nahi main batati huun kya kya masala chahiye.
( then she orders GBTC to get a list of things which i had no clue of)
Me: ( trying not to be naive)Aunty, mujhe kesar bhi chahiye.
TOL: Beta, kesar sone ke bhav ka bikta hai
Me : (snobbishly) haan aunty suna hai mehenga hai, par koi baat nahi
TOL: Tum samjhe nahi, mehenga nahi , actually sone ke bhav ka hota hai kesar, 240 Rs mein 1 gram.
( That was like a bomb dropping on my head. Took me time before i recovered)
Me: ( the sound barely coming from my throat) accha aunty 1 gram hi de dijiye.
........

So finally i was done with all the shopping. But when i reached home, i saw that my net connection was gone and i had forgot to save the page. Again i had to wait for 2 more days before the connection was restored.
Yesterday, after refusing two tasty dinner invitations and with a resolve to conquer the elusive world of cooking , I came back at 11 in the night to cook my Kashmiri mutton biryani.

This is how it progressed at midnight
This was the mutton being prepared before the biryani with all the "carmoms" and "chinmoms in it"





And this is how it looked at 1:30 am




And to be very frank for a first timer it was awesome. And I believe in 2-3 attempts, i will become a master of kasmiri mutton biryani.



And my parents, when they come in May, are in for a serious surprise :D. And just to prove that it was really edible, I had the left over as dinner tonight .....and it was still amazing.

Tag -eh!!!

So I was gone for long. Blame the Internet provider.
Anyway, I have been tagged for quite sometime by Moo, and since its my first tag, i should oblige. So here it goes ...

Ten things you wish you could say to people right now (without taking their names):

1. Why did it have to happen to us.
2. I am happy that I don't believe that you exist and if you do, then I don't care
3. Thank you for helping me get back to things I loved to do and was scared to do them ever.
4. Even if we were the best of friends, this is a new start to a never-ending friendship.
5. I always feared that you were better than me and you proved me wrong, but I hope that you live up to the expectations of the people who believe in you.
6. I hope you get all that you dreamed of and never got.
7. I hate to hate you and i love that i love you
8. This time around i will definitely exceed your expectations
9. Get married for heaven's sake.
10. Thank you for everything.

Nine things about yourself:

1. I love playing/watching any kind of sport.
2. I need the music to be playing even if i am in the shower
3. A non-vegetarian to the core.
4. I am a confused bloke when it comes to forming an impression of a person, but when i do its impossible to change it.
5. I am a social person but I can survive without people for days, provided i have Internet, books and movies
6. I find 8/10 people i meet to be dumb and boring
7. I will open up a theme restaurant at 35
8. I suck when it comes to saving money
9. Over the years I have realised that alcohol is my babe.

Eight ways to win your heart:

I will skip this one because to win my heart you will have to compete with White and as of now it will be equivalent to Napoleon looking for the only word that's missing in his dictionary. :P

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

1. Will I be able to start a life without White.
2. I need to join the gym
3. I need to get the parking in the office basement.
4. Am i doing justice to my career?
5. Am I drinking today?
6. When will I pay all my credit card bills
7. I need to buy a couch, a TV stand, a nice stereo for my car, an apartment ......

Six things you wish you never did:

1. Work for somebody else
2. Let White slip away from me
3. Get back to smoking after quitting it for good
4. Try to be good to people when i should have given them my piece of mind
5. Choose the college where i did my graduation
6. Lend books

Five Turn offs:

1. bad food
2. smelly creatures
3. people with poor sense of humour
4. A bad movie/book
5. short hair

Four turn ons:

1. alcohol/coffee
2. well-read people
3. a particular brand of perfume
4. rain

Three things you want to do before you die:

1. Open up a restaurant
2. Watch all the Formula one races/watch Inter Milan vs AC Milan/watch Lakers match
3. Bungee-jumping/sky-diving/surfing

Two smileys that describe you:

1. :P
2. :D

One confession:

This one kept me thinking for 15 minutes, and all my sins flashed in front of my eyes, and now I won't love myself till tomorrow morning :( .But just for the heck of the tag let me put a lame confession which doesn't sound like a confession : I don't believe in god.

I don't tag anyone as all you people who read my blog have already taken up this one or have stopped updating your blogs.

A perfect day???

Today was a new day in my life. A new beginning. I did change the daily schedule of past few months. I forced myself to sleep before three in the morning (I really don't know when i finally went to sleep), woke up at eight. I, after ages, finally managed to see whether my Bai actually cleans the house or not - she ain't that bad :) . Actually, every morning she rings the bell, I open the door in a half drunken state, and then collapse in bed, until she wakes me up before leaving. And then i wonder whether she stayed even for five minutes ( leave alone whether she has cleaned the house or not).
Anyway, Bai was very happy to see me awake, when she came in, and I could actually see her smile when she found no half-filled whisky glass or a can of beer around my bed. And believe you me, that did bring me a new energy to start a good day.
After ages I reached the office at ten. Even the security guards had a weird smile on their face when they saw my car enter the premises so early. And this was the first day in 2008, that i was able to park my car in the basement and not out in the sun (Yay... that was really an acheivement). My team-mates were amazed to see me keep my promise of someday coming to office before ten. Sadly my boss wasn't around to see me come so early :( .
The obvious effect of going against your body clock could be seen as early as noon. I was yawning every other second. Finally I dozed off to sleep in my cubicle after a heavy lunch. Now a point to note is that the fact that my boss wasn't in office did act as a perfect lullaby. When I woke up after say half an hour of sleep, I saw my boss very much there in office, and of all places , right in the next cubicle. But anyway, next half an hour went in damage control.
I finally returned from office at half-past nine and pretty much tired. I had a decent dinner ( which was becuase i did not cook today) and just a couple of drinks with my friends.

As I sit to write this blog, I wonder - Is my life finally back on track??? People in my office hadn't seen me beaming with so much energy in ages, I wasn't more busy than today, I had all the three meals of the day and i didn't drink myself to sleep. Whatelse could I ask for? But then this brain does work in the strangest of ways. Today is a day when I miss White the most. It just feels like I acheived so much in a day that I need to tell White about it all, as I had been doing so, past so many years. Today was a day, when after fully being engrossed in work for an hour or so, I took a break to go to the terrace for a smoke, it felt like everything was normal. It was as it used to be, when i would take a break from work, go to the terrace, and call up White, talk to her, hear her laugh, get back the energy and go back to work. Everything seemed so normal except that I couldn't call up White. Today i really-really miss those mid-night conversations, when we would talk about our day-to-day life, when she would laugh hysterically on my jokes, discuss about movies and books, dream about our marriage, and when four out of five times she would doze off on the phone, when she wouldn't let me keep the phone even if she was half-asleep, when i would whisper "I love you" knowing that she is asleep, hoping her brain dosen't hear these words or else she would wake up but her heart hears it so that she has sweet sweet dreams.

So who says life is fair. I should have been sleeping like a log after such a busy and content kind of day, But here I am, all alone in my bed, ina foetal position ,clinging to my pillow, staring at the silhouette of the fan in the dark, smoking a cigarette, missing White's laughter, missing seeing her sleep, missing her.

Dreams are my reality

the only real kind of real fantasy

illusions are a common thing

I try to live in dreams

it seems as if it's meant to be.

Dreams are my reality

a different kind of reality

I dream of loving in the night

and loving seems alright

although it's only fantasy.

I Decide

So I just vanished from the scene past couple of days. I am still to decide whether it was a good break from everything or it was pure running away from realities.
I skipped office for a couple of days without informing anyone and so its a long five-day weekend for me. And I have been drinking my heart out, and will continue doing so for the next three days and then maybe I will take a break from it. Its again one of those promises that I have been doing to myself and others that next week onwards I will get my life on track. And I just hope that this time, I do keep my promise.

Many things happened in the last few days. I called up White (methinks it will definately go down as my last conversation with her). I am proud of myself that I had a very normal conversation with her. I asked for her marriage date. She said "Phoenix how can I tell YOU the marriage date, I just can't do this to you". But finally i tricked her and acted very normal to get to know that its 19th April ( Another date gets added to my already long list of dates). But anyway somehow, the pain was less this time. We chatted for an hour, talked about things in life, laughed together and every thing went as if two friends were doing the catching-up-with-times kind of conversation. I just hope she is happy in her life. The only part that saddens me is the life she has chosen to live. She is a doctor in army and she really really hated the army life. I would always tell her that its a temporary phase and she will one day get out of the army. But now she is marrying a doctor who is also in army, so now she has to be a part of army all her life. I just hope she adjusts to it.

Now it was also one of those days, when so many people kept on telling me to get hold of my life. We were having one of those long drinking sessions, and then i got into a fight with Longhair.
I know he meant well for me, when he said that he wanted me to stop drinking. But one should know what one should say. I agree that he is my friend, but he has no right to put conditions on my life. He had no right to ask for a date when i will stop drinking, and it was foolish of him to say that he will only talk to me once i really stop drinking all alone. That is when i decided that I had enough. No one can decide about my life. I know I have been going through a bad phase, I have been doing some stupid stuff, but its me who decides the rights and wrongs in my life. I know friends and family always expect the best for you, but then the line should not be crossed. Anyway, so that was the conversation which kind of changed me. And I know i will get hold of the things in my life, and never again let anyone decide for me. I can now proudly say that now i have become strong enough to face the world. I won't pursue happiness, but i will definately fight out the sadness, the gloom, the failure of my life.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

- Invictus by W.E. Henley

P.S. - Let this post be incomplete for now.

Hope - fire -ash -wind

So what's the latest? Well, White is getting married I think in a months time. That's life for you - the more you start loving it, the more difficult it becomes, the more you chase it, the farther it goes and when you think you have understood the game and you turn your back to it, it comes back, yes, it comes back with vengeance to start the game again.

I thought I was trying to get normal, was learning to live my life without White. But then, I was wrong. It started in a birthday party. I was in a process of getting wasted. I met a guy ( some asshole who happened to be department mate in college), who had been spreading rumours all over my friend circle ( or my college circle to be more correct) that i was keeping sick all the time. The best part is i haven't met him in .... 4-5 months. And here he was, telling everyone that i had been visiting doctors everyday , as if the fuckhead was the one taking me to them. So anyway, i got my chance to confront him, right in the party. I was just looking for a moment when i could corner him, and give him my peice of mind. Conversation of the hour was marriage and girlfriends. People were pulling each others legs, when, of all the people in the room, one my friends ( time has come to introduce you to Longhair - we have been friends and next door neighbours all our college life and we shared the apartment together before i moved alone. I wont say we are the best of friends, even though we have spent so many years together maybe because time and agian he has given me enough reasons not to be so ), Longhair goes like "........ and thats the reason why Phoenix could not get married". And i just snapped. I know people can go overboard when drunk but do they have the liberty to say just anything. It was my first socializing since my break-up, and right in the first one, one of my best friends makes my situation a subject of ridicule, just to get some pats on the back for being funny. What can i expect out of other people who don't even know my state of mind? The night was gone for me. I kept on drinking, and one after the other, everyone tried to make me speak a word, and everyone infact was trying to get rid off their guilt.

Anyway, fully drunk and wasted , i returned to my apartment, opened my lappy and connected the net. While surfing through my orkut, i wandered to some of White's friends' profiles. And there it was written in one of the scraps - White was getting married in a month's time. A month - thats it. I knew it was inevitable, but i had a hope. Who doesn't have one even if its a false hope - a dying man hopes for heaven, a man dying of cancer hopes for a peaceful death, a rose hopes of going into a lover's hand while being plucked, a matchstick hopes of becoming a part of a fire before being put out, and the phoenix hopes to rise from the ashes while burning in the fire. But hope is a denial of today rather than an expectation of tomorrow. The "matchstick" did light a fire, and the "Phoenix" did burn in that fire with the hope, but the "wind" blew away the ashes before it could rise from it.

And so here i am waiting to find out White's wedding date, the day when Phoenix will burn in the same fire around which White will will take her marriage vows. Will the phoenix rise from the ashes i don't know, will the phoenix blow away in the wind , i don't know, but yes what i know is that the phoenix won't hope.

P.S. - Achievement - Today's the 36th day without break that i am drinking. A new drinking feat for me ..YAY

The women in my life

It was women's day yesterday. And somehow I came to a conclusion that women shouldn't be the one celebrating Women's Day - It should be the men. Irrespective of what anyone believes, the truth remains that its female species that truly defines a man. So here's to all the women in my life.


My Mom - Its said that mothers never have favourites when it comes to their children. But let me for once be unfair to my brother and sister and say that i have been her favourite. She has been a strict mother whenever it came to my studies or my habbits. But she also has been my biggest supporter. She has moulded me into the person i am today. She taught me about life and about people. A true inspiration in every sense. She taught me how to fight in life for whatever you believe in, and not to rest until you acheive it. She taught me that you always don't get whatever you wish for, but you contniue your life with a set of new aspirations. And teh most important thing that she taught me was to be independent and to take my own decisons and not to worry about the world. Thank you Mom, for bringing me to this world. I will make you proud someday.



My Sis - She is ten years elder to me. Many think that with such an age difference, we don't connect well as brothers and sisters. But all my life she has been the first one with whom i have shared my success, my mischiefs and my sorrows. Had it not been for her, i wouldn't have done well academically. She taught me, scolded me, slapped me and used every trick in the book to make me study and be the the first in my class. Its surprising for my friends, when i tell them i wanted to be a computer engineer right when i was in eighth grade or that i wanted to get into IIT right when i was in fifth grade. But yes, its true, thanks to my sister. We used to discuss my career always, and she would teach me about the various career options that existed, when i was a ten year old. Even though, we kind of drifted apart when i joined college, and we didn't always agree about things in my life, she has been a keen listener to my dreams and aspirations. She didn't discourage me when i told my family that i would open up a start-up and would not take up a job. She just made me realise the practicalities of life, and then left it on my judgement. She was the first one in my family to know that i wanted to marry White. She always supported my decision, and when i broke up with White, she was the one who took care of the situation at home, consoling my parents and consoling me all the time. She has indeed been one of the support pillars of my life. Thank you Didi for always being there for me.



Rose - Its strange how people whom you don't know so much, suddenly become so important in your life. Rose is one of White's best friends, right from college days. When my relationship with White ended, White asked Rose to take care of me, see that i don't end up doing anything stupid, and help me get on with my life. Past couple of months, Rose has beared all my "My world is ending" kind of talk. She makes it a point that she comes online everyday and just chat about anything and everything going on in my life. She is simply great when it comes to changing topics whenever i start riminating about my wasted life. And i have learned a lot from her experiences in life, and about how people go on to fight the life they live. Thanks Rose, for bearing me and helping me fight my sorrows.



Freedom - This girl will be surprised to see herself in this list. We have never met each other. We met through Orkut, and generally through chats and scraps became friends. And she kept on pestering me, what her nick will be on my blog. ( " Freedom it was a no-brainer - I hope you like your nick"). So she is the one who inspired me to write blogs, and thanks to her i am a blog-addict now. Whenever i want to read something good - she is my girl. And past couple of months she's been a true entertainment channel for me. Whenever i am down, i always find her online to lift my spirits and to bring a smile on my face. I sometimes wonder, why would anyone whom you have never met,try to share your grief, try to lessen your pain. What does she get out of it. Nothing. But maybe all great human beings share this trait. ("Freedom if you are reading this, then please baloon ke tarah phool mat jaana - what will happen to your weight-loss resolutions"). Thanks Freedom for all the "e-care" and "e-support".



White - The last person i want to write about is White, but i won't write much about her as no words can describe the importance of her existence in my life. Fate can take you away from me but it cannot take away those dreams i dreamt with you and those great moments that i spent with you and away from you. The last few years have been the best of my life and i will cherish them always. You have showed me what life is and what it ought to be. You defined me for me. And i won't write anything more, because these stupid words are just not enough. You are a part of me, and you will always be "the woman of my life". Thanks White for everything. I firmly believe that we will be together someday, maybe in next life. You indeed are "awesome".

A date with dates

Do we always fights dates and events of the past all our lives. Isn't there a magic potion which just deletes these dates and events?

Today was Shivratri. So?? Well it was a shivratri 2 years back. I had gone to meet White to Pune where her college was. We planned to go to Lonavla on her scooty ( "its an activa not a scooty" - she would always say). The night before after seeing her off to her hostel i headed to meet a senior of mine ( He was one my favourite seniors in college). We drank all night and all through the night i kept on reminding them that i have to get up at 5 in the morning. We drank till 4 in the morning, then went to bed all wasted. But i did wake up at 5:30. Half-asleep i headed to my hotel ( was very lucky to get an auto that time in teh morning), took a bath and reached her hostel around 7 still fighting my sleep. But the moment i saw her in her beautiful red top ( which ofcourse we bought together), my sleep was gone. Her friends came out to see her off with grins on their faces.
We drove for around two hours i think. When we reached there, i was really hungry and thought of buying something, when White told me that it was Shivratri and she had her fast. She insisted that i eat, but i just couldn't. But she forced me to drink a Pepsi because a poor little boy was trying hard to sell his stuff. Then we sat at a quite place and just talked and talked for hours.
While heading back, White suggested that we stop by a famous temple which was on one of the hills. So we drove up the hill, then walked for a kilometer or so. The climb up started giving me cramps. Last nights binge drinking and the fast started having their effects. Anyway we reached the top. There was a beautiful cave at the top, which i must admit was beautiful. I wasn't fond of temples, but that day with White by my side it felt soothing. We prayed together, and i don't know how or why, I suddenly got a feeling that i am married. I don't know if there exists a thing called marrying in the mind, but i did marry her that day. Might sound stupid, but somehow i got a feeling - that moments onwards we were a couple ( a married couple in the mind).
Anyway, while we were praying we had bought a coconut, we had to break it in front of some deity or something. White had teh coconut and i asked her to break it. A person nearby stopped us and said that its not right for a woman to break the coconut. I was like -dude get out of these
chauvinistic and male-centric stupid rituals, it hardly matters whether the male does it or the female as long as they are together.
Anyway, we had a great time together that day , a time i will cherish all my life. Well, its Shivratri today and each and every thing that happened that day keeps on flashing in front of my eyes. And all i can do is remember that day, finish off my glass of whisky, fill another one, light a cigg. , and cry.
Well MOTS ( moral of the story) is - All you couples and lovers, if you beleive in the stupid concept of god and you visit temples together, then let the man break the nariyal .

Anyhoo, today i went to meet a very close friend of mine , Young. We have been greatest of friends right from school days. Well we had a starnge bet between us. It was like whoever gets married first will have to give the other person one lakh rupees and keep on giving one lakh everytime he becomes a father till the other guy gets married. I have won my one lakh and many more lakhs seem probable [:P]. He got married a few days back to a very beautiful and lovely girl. I feel happy for him. I was supposed to get married to White, just four days after Young got married. Both of us were so happy that we would be able to attend each others marriage (Young lives in Australia so it wa snice to have the dates so close to each other). So Young is happily married and i am sipping my whisky all alone.
So i went ot meet Young as he is flying to Melbourne tomorrow. It felt nice to see the lovely couple together. Young - I wish you a very happy and fun-filled married life.

And another couple of days have passed by and haven't been able to reach office before noon. And i am surprised my boss hasn't said a word to me. And it seems my hitting the gym won't materialize this week too. Sad.

Of cricket and phonecalls

So White called me up today. And now i wonder why? Maybe she just wanted to check out whether i am alive and okay to save her the guilt trips, maybe she was plainly worried as i stopped bugging her, or maybe she really missed me ( hah... there wakes up Mr Hope yet again).

And everytime i talk to her, i wonder and dread and hope not that it will be the last time i hear her voice.

Atleast i was able to act normal on the phone. Atleast, I fooled her to think that i am starting to get out of it. And i wonder, was it right to act so normal and stuff. What if i told her what i was going through, maybe she would have come back to me out of sheer pity? But then again i love her. Atleast she deserves to be happy. Atleast one of us deserves to live a happy life. Why let her feel guilty? It will atleast help her forget me.

So anyway, as the conversation continued alongwith long pauses, heavy breaths, silent sobbings at both ends and the signal fluctuating( these airtel people didn't spare even this conversation, someday when i become a rich man, i will personally sponsor a few more towers at current White's place, who knows, had there been more towers near her hospital, there wouldn't have been so many broken conversations and right this moment i would have been writing a blog on how wonderful our honeymoon was and what a wonderful feeling it is to get married after fighting so many odds)....

So the conversation continued, and she told me what a few other people on phone or chat had been telling me past couple of days - "You sound a lot better than last time". And i again smiled silently - Is it so simple to fool people about your feelings or your well-being. Maybe its easy, if i could fool White or my family then it actually is very easy to fool people. But then i remember what my friend New told me - " Don't act normal. Its not possible for a person to be normal so fast. Don't be a different person in front of people. Don't care about people, its not easy to get over this. Be whatever you are. don't act" That leaves me wondering, is it me who's making a fool out of myself. Is it okay to cry in public instead of running to toilets to cry, is it normal to have those fits where you lose track of time, is it okay to take those storng anti-depressant medicines that make you hysterically happy even if its for few hours????

I really don't have answers to these things. People who are around me have always in the past been able to guess or get out of me the reason for my sadness. But i have found a new me, whom i always feared lived somewhere inside me. The Me, who simply hides the pain from the people around, the Me who laughs normally when each part of him is crying. Yes, inspite of so many hours of conversations, or so many drinks, or so many sessions of caring that my family or my friends or those fuckheads (who generally get thrill out of somebody elses lifes) have bestowed upon me, i didn't tell them the reason, why the perfect couple broke. What was so earth-shattering that forced two people, whom the world considered to be the most matured couple, to seperate ways. But i won't let them know. i don't want them to judge our relationship, i also know that nobody other than us can understand the circumstances. It happened to me, so its me who has to suffer. And i will as long as i can and i will do whatever i have to.

Anyway we talked, and now i itch to sms her at two in the night, but i know i have no right to. Maybe one of the reasons i lost her was i used to think a lot about what was right what was wrong, i thought what would be good for her and what was not. Maybe i did think a lot all through my fairytale relationship with her even if it was always for her own good. So in short maybe i thought more than i was supposed to and i missed on what i should have done instead of thinking. But anyway the list of what i should have done and what not, will never end all my life.MOTS ( moral of the story) is i won't sms her and bug her and let her drift away ( or maybe she already has).

Anyway in other news India did defeat Australia comprehensively. Atleast something to cheer about. But even the fucking cricket reminds me of her. All my life, nothing has been able to take away my attention from a India match if i am watching, not my mother's scolding , not my exams, not even my office. And when i once told this fact to White while watching a match(
an india-sri lanka match i remember where Uthappa was in full flow), all it took was an awesome smile and a passionate touch from her, and i forgot that i was watching a match. And then after that even her phone calls could easily divert my attention from a match. But sadly now, again i have nothing to take me away form a cricket match.

Among other things i definately need to go to office at 10 and not 12 tomorrow. And i was supposed to go to the gym from tomorrow, but it seems i will have to procrastinate it for a day [:P].

Life Afresh????

So it turned out to be those weekends when you drink, drink and yes drink. I remember White ( the "She" of my life) telling me the four or five questions that determine whether you are an alcoholic or not. And even then i came close to being one:) , though i was definately not one. But at present i do feel like i am turning into one. And the symptoms..
- I rush back from office so that i can open up the bottle.
- I love drinking in the morning or afternoon( of course on weekends)
- People around me keep telling me to cut it down.
- Ofcourse i have started enjoying drinking alone.

Maybe i have turned into an alcoholic ( i still doubt though), but thanks to the early onset of summer in Delhi, i will soon be shifting to beer. It has the added benefit that i will gain weight. That gets me to ponder, my weight is back to what it was when i was in college and before White proposed to me and we officially became a couple. I gained some 10-12 kgs in the past 2-3 years. But i am back to square one. Does love help you gain weight - I wonder. That probably explains why people get fat after marriage.
Anyway now since i am all alone, i must prove this theory wrong and gain some weight. But this requires a lot of effort. I will have to 1.) hit the gym ( i have somehow always considered gyming as physical labour for which you are not even paid - playing any sport is anyday more fun), 2.) Become a complete cook - somehow i have got the crazy idea in my head to cook for myself and not get a cook after moving alone to my new apartment. Now that means i will have to also cook nutritious food for me and all that crap, 3.) i definately have to buy a fridge to stock beer, cheese, butter, eggs, salami etc..

There are some more to-do lists that i need to as a step to move forward in life
- Get back to my reading habbits . Its so hard to get a book in hand. It reminds me of White and how we had dreamt of having a room full of books in our dream house and how all our friends used to freak out on our love for books.
- Be regular for squash and maybee badminton on weekends. Or will it be Tennis and cricket on weekends . Bloody confusing if you love playing all these games.
- Buy shoes and slippers.
- Buy clothes
- cut down on whisky and get to beer
- cut down on smoking( though i don't see the urge to do so)
- Get serioulsy involved in my project at office
- will this list evr end . i am not putting down any more to-dos

People say starting life afresh is a wonderful experience. Even i believed so. But i tell you its not. Its just a diversion, a compromise with life. How i wish i didn't have to start live afresh. Read in the paper today that its not bad to fall in love and then fall out of it. It leaves you with a rich experience and all that crap. The article did pose a question - Is it better to fall in love and fall out of it than to never fall in love? I don't have the answer to it. Yes all these years were the best in life. Nobody could have been happier than me. But if it had to end this way then wouldn't it have been better that it never happened. I will say maybe its White's fault. Had she not been so awesome, life without her would have been bearable. I don't know whether i was her perfect guy or not, but i always knew that even if i had got into an arranged marriage with her, with no love around, even then i know she would have been the perfect one for me. I know nobody will match her awesomeness. She was made for me. But yes ideal things are not present in the real world. Idealness is what you wish for and aim to achieve, you may come close to reaching it but you never achieve idealness.

I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet born within the cage,
That never knew the summer woods;
I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;
Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.
I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘T is better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Start where it ends

"I was born when you kissed me.I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me."

This post starts with the promise that i made to you that this is the last day of my existence. If you ever come across this blog, you will will be happy to know that i did not die. But you might also realize
that the person you knew, the person whom you fell in love with , fails to exist anymore.

The me of the past ....
- believed in God.
- believed in the fact that you make your fate
- believed the world was YOU
- believed to dream

The me now...
- Is so relieved that there is no god. Its such a pleasant experience to know that there is no god.
You know that whatever you do, there's no one judging you, no one whom you are answerable to. You don't have to run to your god and plead everytime you or the people whom you love are in trouble. And for me , i don't have to fight my sleep every night so that i don't forget to pray. Thank you for taking away this burden from me.

- But yes, there's Mr. Fate. And you cannot fool him. He will be a part of your life, irrespective of how much you try to be independent. He is there to remind you " I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger" so don't you attempt to "poison and destroy my brothers".

- I still believe the world is YOU, but sweetheart i know its a lost world. It was Utopia that i dreamed of.
- You taught me to dream. You told me that it was fate that brought us together. You made me realise that - yes, dreams to come true, the one up above gives you what your heart earnestly asks for. But now i do realise that you are only allowed to dream. If you get it enjoy while it lasts. Because one fine day Mr Fate might try to find some spice in his life and might just snatch it away from you , lay back an denjoy the show. And your so called non-existent Mr.God will not come to your rescue, irrespective of how good a person you are or how much you deserve what you had or how much you plead( read pray).
Moral of the story - don't dream and give Mr Fate a chance to cook up a bollywood masala.

I always told you that you will make me a better man. I wont become one 'coz you are not there anymore to make me one, but yes your absence will make me a man who can survive happily in this hollow, insipid world.

After this one long post and the beginning of a new ME, i came to realize that if Mr Fate was a
Yash Chopra, then Mr Dream is a Bhansali.
- I will wait for YOU all my life and dream the impossible.

Till then cheers to the lovely couple of Mr whisky and Miss Benson Hedges