Tuesday, March 25, 2008

A perfect day???

Today was a new day in my life. A new beginning. I did change the daily schedule of past few months. I forced myself to sleep before three in the morning (I really don't know when i finally went to sleep), woke up at eight. I, after ages, finally managed to see whether my Bai actually cleans the house or not - she ain't that bad :) . Actually, every morning she rings the bell, I open the door in a half drunken state, and then collapse in bed, until she wakes me up before leaving. And then i wonder whether she stayed even for five minutes ( leave alone whether she has cleaned the house or not).
Anyway, Bai was very happy to see me awake, when she came in, and I could actually see her smile when she found no half-filled whisky glass or a can of beer around my bed. And believe you me, that did bring me a new energy to start a good day.
After ages I reached the office at ten. Even the security guards had a weird smile on their face when they saw my car enter the premises so early. And this was the first day in 2008, that i was able to park my car in the basement and not out in the sun (Yay... that was really an acheivement). My team-mates were amazed to see me keep my promise of someday coming to office before ten. Sadly my boss wasn't around to see me come so early :( .
The obvious effect of going against your body clock could be seen as early as noon. I was yawning every other second. Finally I dozed off to sleep in my cubicle after a heavy lunch. Now a point to note is that the fact that my boss wasn't in office did act as a perfect lullaby. When I woke up after say half an hour of sleep, I saw my boss very much there in office, and of all places , right in the next cubicle. But anyway, next half an hour went in damage control.
I finally returned from office at half-past nine and pretty much tired. I had a decent dinner ( which was becuase i did not cook today) and just a couple of drinks with my friends.

As I sit to write this blog, I wonder - Is my life finally back on track??? People in my office hadn't seen me beaming with so much energy in ages, I wasn't more busy than today, I had all the three meals of the day and i didn't drink myself to sleep. Whatelse could I ask for? But then this brain does work in the strangest of ways. Today is a day when I miss White the most. It just feels like I acheived so much in a day that I need to tell White about it all, as I had been doing so, past so many years. Today was a day, when after fully being engrossed in work for an hour or so, I took a break to go to the terrace for a smoke, it felt like everything was normal. It was as it used to be, when i would take a break from work, go to the terrace, and call up White, talk to her, hear her laugh, get back the energy and go back to work. Everything seemed so normal except that I couldn't call up White. Today i really-really miss those mid-night conversations, when we would talk about our day-to-day life, when she would laugh hysterically on my jokes, discuss about movies and books, dream about our marriage, and when four out of five times she would doze off on the phone, when she wouldn't let me keep the phone even if she was half-asleep, when i would whisper "I love you" knowing that she is asleep, hoping her brain dosen't hear these words or else she would wake up but her heart hears it so that she has sweet sweet dreams.

So who says life is fair. I should have been sleeping like a log after such a busy and content kind of day, But here I am, all alone in my bed, ina foetal position ,clinging to my pillow, staring at the silhouette of the fan in the dark, smoking a cigarette, missing White's laughter, missing seeing her sleep, missing her.

Dreams are my reality
the only real kind of real fantasy
illusions are a common thing
I try to live in dreams
it seems as if it's meant to be.
Dreams are my reality
a different kind of reality
I dream of loving in the night
and loving seems alright
although it's only fantasy.

Friday, March 21, 2008

I Decide

So I just vanished from the scene past couple of days. I am still to decide whether it was a good break from everything or it was pure running away from realities.
I skipped office for a couple of days without informing anyone and so its a long five-day weekend for me. And I have been drinking my heart out, and will continue doing so for the next three days and then maybe I will take a break from it. Its again one of those promises that I have been doing to myself and others that next week onwards I will get my life on track. And I just hope that this time, I do keep my promise.

Many things happened in the last few days. I called up White (methinks it will definately go down as my last conversation with her). I am proud of myself that I had a very normal conversation with her. I asked for her marriage date. She said "Phoenix how can I tell YOU the marriage date, I just can't do this to you". But finally i tricked her and acted very normal to get to know that its 19th April ( Another date gets added to my already long list of dates). But anyway somehow, the pain was less this time. We chatted for an hour, talked about things in life, laughed together and every thing went as if two friends were doing the catching-up-with-times kind of conversation. I just hope she is happy in her life. The only part that saddens me is the life she has chosen to live. She is a doctor in army and she really really hated the army life. I would always tell her that its a temporary phase and she will one day get out of the army. But now she is marrying a doctor who is also in army, so now she has to be a part of army all her life. I just hope she adjusts to it.

Now it was also one of those days, when so many people kept on telling me to get hold of my life. We were having one of those long drinking sessions, and then i got into a fight with Longhair.
I know he meant well for me, when he said that he wanted me to stop drinking. But one should know what one should say. I agree that he is my friend, but he has no right to put conditions on my life. He had no right to ask for a date when i will stop drinking, and it was foolish of him to say that he will only talk to me once i really stop drinking all alone. That is when i decided that I had enough. No one can decide about my life. I know I have been going through a bad phase, I have been doing some stupid stuff, but its me who decides the rights and wrongs in my life. I know friends and family always expect the best for you, but then the line should not be crossed. Anyway, so that was the conversation which kind of changed me. And I know i will get hold of the things in my life, and never again let anyone decide for me. I can now proudly say that now i have become strong enough to face the world. I won't pursue happiness, but i will definately fight out the sadness, the gloom, the failure of my life.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.
- Invictus by W.E. Henley
P.S. - Let this post be incomplete for now.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Hope - fire -ash -wind

So what's the latest? Well, White is getting married I think in a months time. That's life for you - the more you start loving it, the more difficult it becomes, the more you chase it, the farther it goes and when you think you have understood the game and you turn your back to it, it comes back, yes, it comes back with vengeance to start the game again.

I thought I was trying to get normal, was learning to live my life without White. But then, I was wrong. It started in a birthday party. I was in a process of getting wasted. I met a guy ( some asshole who happened to be department mate in college), who had been spreading rumours all over my friend circle ( or my college circle to be more correct) that i was keeping sick all the time. The best part is i haven't met him in .... 4-5 months. And here he was, telling everyone that i had been visiting doctors everyday , as if the fuckhead was the one taking me to them. So anyway, i got my chance to confront him, right in the party. I was just looking for a moment when i could corner him, and give him my peice of mind. Conversation of the hour was marriage and girlfriends. People were pulling each others legs, when, of all the people in the room, one my friends ( time has come to introduce you to Longhair - we have been friends and next door neighbours all our college life and we shared the apartment together before i moved alone. I wont say we are the best of friends, even though we have spent so many years together maybe because time and agian he has given me enough reasons not to be so ), Longhair goes like "........ and thats the reason why Phoenix could not get married". And i just snapped. I know people can go overboard when drunk but do they have the liberty to say just anything. It was my first socializing since my break-up, and right in the first one, one of my best friends makes my situation a subject of ridicule, just to get some pats on the back for being funny. What can i expect out of other people who don't even know my state of mind? The night was gone for me. I kept on drinking, and one after the other, everyone tried to make me speak a word, and everyone infact was trying to get rid off their guilt.

Anyway, fully drunk and wasted , i returned to my apartment, opened my lappy and connected the net. While surfing through my orkut, i wandered to some of White's friends' profiles. And there it was written in one of the scraps - White was getting married in a month's time. A month - thats it. I knew it was inevitable, but i had a hope. Who doesn't have one even if its a false hope - a dying man hopes for heaven, a man dying of cancer hopes for a peaceful death, a rose hopes of going into a lover's hand while being plucked, a matchstick hopes of becoming a part of a fire before being put out, and the phoenix hopes to rise from the ashes while burning in the fire. But hope is a denial of today rather than an expectation of tomorrow. The "matchstick" did light a fire, and the "Phoenix" did burn in that fire with the hope, but the "wind" blew away the ashes before it could rise from it.

And so here i am waiting to find out White's wedding date, the day when Phoenix will burn in the same fire around which White will will take her marriage vows. Will the phoenix rise from the ashes i don't know, will the phoenix blow away in the wind , i don't know, but yes what i know is that the phoenix won't hope.

P.S. - Achievement - Today's the 36th day without break that i am drinking. A new drinking feat for me ..YAY

Sunday, March 9, 2008

The women in my life

It was women's day yesterday. And somehow I came to a conclusion that women shouldn't be the one celebrating Women's Day - It should be the men. Irrespective of what anyone believes, the truth remains that its female species that truly defines a man. So here's to all the women in my life.

My Mom - Its said that mothers never have favourites when it comes to their children. But let me for once be unfair to my brother and sister and say that i have been her favourite. She has been a strict mother whenever it came to my studies or my habbits. But she also has been my biggest supporter. She has moulded me into the person i am today. She taught me about life and about people. A true inspiration in every sense. She taught me how to fight in life for whatever you believe in, and not to rest until you acheive it. She taught me that you always don't get whatever you wish for, but you contniue your life with a set of new aspirations. And teh most important thing that she taught me was to be independent and to take my own decisons and not to worry about the world. Thank you Mom, for bringing me to this world. I will make you proud someday.

My Sis - She is ten years elder to me. Many think that with such an age difference, we don't connect well as brothers and sisters. But all my life she has been the first one with whom i have shared my success, my mischiefs and my sorrows. Had it not been for her, i wouldn't have done well academically. She taught me, scolded me, slapped me and used every trick in the book to make me study and be the the first in my class. Its surprising for my friends, when i tell them i wanted to be a computer engineer right when i was in eighth grade or that i wanted to get into IIT right when i was in fifth grade. But yes, its true, thanks to my sister. We used to discuss my career always, and she would teach me about the various career options that existed, when i was a ten year old. Even though, we kind of drifted apart when i joined college, and we didn't always agree about things in my life, she has been a keen listener to my dreams and aspirations. She didn't discourage me when i told my family that i would open up a start-up and would not take up a job. She just made me realise the practicalities of life, and then left it on my judgement. She was the first one in my family to know that i wanted to marry White. She always supported my decision, and when i broke up with White, she was the one who took care of the situation at home, consoling my parents and consoling me all the time. She has indeed been one of the support pillars of my life. Thank you Didi for always being there for me.

Rose - Its strange how people whom you don't know so much, suddenly become so important in your life. Rose is one of White's best friends, right from college days. When my relationship with White ended, White asked Rose to take care of me, see that i don't end up doing anything stupid, and help me get on with my life. Past couple of months, Rose has beared all my "My world is ending" kind of talk. She makes it a point that she comes online everyday and just chat about anything and everything going on in my life. She is simply great when it comes to changing topics whenever i start riminating about my wasted life. And i have learned a lot from her experiences in life, and about how people go on to fight the life they live. Thanks Rose, for bearing me and helping me fight my sorrows.

Freedom - This girl will be surprised to see herself in this list. We have never met each other. We met through Orkut, and generally through chats and scraps became friends. And she kept on pestering me, what her nick will be on my blog. ( " Freedom it was a no-brainer - I hope you like your nick"). So she is the one who inspired me to write blogs, and thanks to her i am a blog-addict now. Whenever i want to read something good - she is my girl. And past couple of months she's been a true entertainment channel for me. Whenever i am down, i always find her online to lift my spirits and to bring a smile on my face. I sometimes wonder, why would anyone whom you have never met,try to share your grief, try to lessen your pain. What does she get out of it. Nothing. But maybe all great human beings share this trait. ("Freedom if you are reading this, then please baloon ke tarah phool mat jaana - what will happen to your weight-loss resolutions"). Thanks Freedom for all the "e-care" and "e-support".

White - The last person i want to write about is White, but i won't write much about her as no words can describe the importance of her existence in my life. Fate can take you away from me but it cannot take away those dreams i dreamt with you and those great moments that i spent with you and away from you. The last few years have been the best of my life and i will cherish them always. You have showed me what life is and what it ought to be. You defined me for me. And i won't write anything more, because these stupid words are just not enough. You are a part of me, and you will always be "the woman of my life". Thanks White for everything. I firmly believe that we will be together someday, maybe in next life. You indeed are "awesome".

Friday, March 7, 2008

A date with dates

Do we always fights dates and events of the past all our lives. Isn't there a magic potion which just deletes these dates and events?

Today was Shivratri. So?? Well it was a shivratri 2 years back. I had gone to meet White to Pune where her college was. We planned to go to Lonavla on her scooty ( "its an activa not a scooty" - she would always say). The night before after seeing her off to her hostel i headed to meet a senior of mine ( He was one my favourite seniors in college). We drank all night and all through the night i kept on reminding them that i have to get up at 5 in the morning. We drank till 4 in the morning, then went to bed all wasted. But i did wake up at 5:30. Half-asleep i headed to my hotel ( was very lucky to get an auto that time in teh morning), took a bath and reached her hostel around 7 still fighting my sleep. But the moment i saw her in her beautiful red top ( which ofcourse we bought together), my sleep was gone. Her friends came out to see her off with grins on their faces.
We drove for around two hours i think. When we reached there, i was really hungry and thought of buying something, when White told me that it was Shivratri and she had her fast. She insisted that i eat, but i just couldn't. But she forced me to drink a Pepsi because a poor little boy was trying hard to sell his stuff. Then we sat at a quite place and just talked and talked for hours.
While heading back, White suggested that we stop by a famous temple which was on one of the hills. So we drove up the hill, then walked for a kilometer or so. The climb up started giving me cramps. Last nights binge drinking and the fast started having their effects. Anyway we reached the top. There was a beautiful cave at the top, which i must admit was beautiful. I wasn't fond of temples, but that day with White by my side it felt soothing. We prayed together, and i don't know how or why, I suddenly got a feeling that i am married. I don't know if there exists a thing called marrying in the mind, but i did marry her that day. Might sound stupid, but somehow i got a feeling - that moments onwards we were a couple ( a married couple in the mind).
Anyway, while we were praying we had bought a coconut, we had to break it in front of some deity or something. White had teh coconut and i asked her to break it. A person nearby stopped us and said that its not right for a woman to break the coconut. I was like -dude get out of these
chauvinistic and male-centric stupid rituals, it hardly matters whether the male does it or the female as long as they are together.
Anyway, we had a great time together that day , a time i will cherish all my life. Well, its Shivratri today and each and every thing that happened that day keeps on flashing in front of my eyes. And all i can do is remember that day, finish off my glass of whisky, fill another one, light a cigg. , and cry.
Well MOTS ( moral of the story) is - All you couples and lovers, if you beleive in the stupid concept of god and you visit temples together, then let the man break the nariyal .

Anyhoo, today i went to meet a very close friend of mine , Young. We have been greatest of friends right from school days. Well we had a starnge bet between us. It was like whoever gets married first will have to give the other person one lakh rupees and keep on giving one lakh everytime he becomes a father till the other guy gets married. I have won my one lakh and many more lakhs seem probable [:P]. He got married a few days back to a very beautiful and lovely girl. I feel happy for him. I was supposed to get married to White, just four days after Young got married. Both of us were so happy that we would be able to attend each others marriage (Young lives in Australia so it wa snice to have the dates so close to each other). So Young is happily married and i am sipping my whisky all alone.
So i went ot meet Young as he is flying to Melbourne tomorrow. It felt nice to see the lovely couple together. Young - I wish you a very happy and fun-filled married life.

And another couple of days have passed by and haven't been able to reach office before noon. And i am surprised my boss hasn't said a word to me. And it seems my hitting the gym won't materialize this week too. Sad.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Of cricket and phonecalls

So White called me up today. And now i wonder why? Maybe she just wanted to check out whether i am alive and okay to save her the guilt trips, maybe she was plainly worried as i stopped bugging her, or maybe she really missed me ( hah... there wakes up Mr Hope yet again).

And everytime i talk to her, i wonder and dread and hope not that it will be the last time i hear her voice.

Atleast i was able to act normal on the phone. Atleast, I fooled her to think that i am starting to get out of it. And i wonder, was it right to act so normal and stuff. What if i told her what i was going through, maybe she would have come back to me out of sheer pity? But then again i love her. Atleast she deserves to be happy. Atleast one of us deserves to live a happy life. Why let her feel guilty? It will atleast help her forget me.

So anyway, as the conversation continued alongwith long pauses, heavy breaths, silent sobbings at both ends and the signal fluctuating( these airtel people didn't spare even this conversation, someday when i become a rich man, i will personally sponsor a few more towers at current White's place, who knows, had there been more towers near her hospital, there wouldn't have been so many broken conversations and right this moment i would have been writing a blog on how wonderful our honeymoon was and what a wonderful feeling it is to get married after fighting so many odds)....

So the conversation continued, and she told me what a few other people on phone or chat had been telling me past couple of days - "You sound a lot better than last time". And i again smiled silently - Is it so simple to fool people about your feelings or your well-being. Maybe its easy, if i could fool White or my family then it actually is very easy to fool people. But then i remember what my friend New told me - " Don't act normal. Its not possible for a person to be normal so fast. Don't be a different person in front of people. Don't care about people, its not easy to get over this. Be whatever you are. don't act" That leaves me wondering, is it me who's making a fool out of myself. Is it okay to cry in public instead of running to toilets to cry, is it normal to have those fits where you lose track of time, is it okay to take those storng anti-depressant medicines that make you hysterically happy even if its for few hours????

I really don't have answers to these things. People who are around me have always in the past been able to guess or get out of me the reason for my sadness. But i have found a new me, whom i always feared lived somewhere inside me. The Me, who simply hides the pain from the people around, the Me who laughs normally when each part of him is crying. Yes, inspite of so many hours of conversations, or so many drinks, or so many sessions of caring that my family or my friends or those fuckheads (who generally get thrill out of somebody elses lifes) have bestowed upon me, i didn't tell them the reason, why the perfect couple broke. What was so earth-shattering that forced two people, whom the world considered to be the most matured couple, to seperate ways. But i won't let them know. i don't want them to judge our relationship, i also know that nobody other than us can understand the circumstances. It happened to me, so its me who has to suffer. And i will as long as i can and i will do whatever i have to.

Anyway we talked, and now i itch to sms her at two in the night, but i know i have no right to. Maybe one of the reasons i lost her was i used to think a lot about what was right what was wrong, i thought what would be good for her and what was not. Maybe i did think a lot all through my fairytale relationship with her even if it was always for her own good. So in short maybe i thought more than i was supposed to and i missed on what i should have done instead of thinking. But anyway the list of what i should have done and what not, will never end all my life.MOTS ( moral of the story) is i won't sms her and bug her and let her drift away ( or maybe she already has).

Anyway in other news India did defeat Australia comprehensively. Atleast something to cheer about. But even the fucking cricket reminds me of her. All my life, nothing has been able to take away my attention from a India match if i am watching, not my mother's scolding , not my exams, not even my office. And when i once told this fact to White while watching a match(
an india-sri lanka match i remember where Uthappa was in full flow), all it took was an awesome smile and a passionate touch from her, and i forgot that i was watching a match. And then after that even her phone calls could easily divert my attention from a match. But sadly now, again i have nothing to take me away form a cricket match.

Among other things i definately need to go to office at 10 and not 12 tomorrow. And i was supposed to go to the gym from tomorrow, but it seems i will have to procrastinate it for a day [:P].

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Life Afresh????

So it turned out to be those weekends when you drink, drink and yes drink. I remember White ( the "She" of my life) telling me the four or five questions that determine whether you are an alcoholic or not. And even then i came close to being one:) , though i was definately not one. But at present i do feel like i am turning into one. And the symptoms..
- I rush back from office so that i can open up the bottle.
- I love drinking in the morning or afternoon( of course on weekends)
- People around me keep telling me to cut it down.
- Ofcourse i have started enjoying drinking alone.

Maybe i have turned into an alcoholic ( i still doubt though), but thanks to the early onset of summer in Delhi, i will soon be shifting to beer. It has the added benefit that i will gain weight. That gets me to ponder, my weight is back to what it was when i was in college and before White proposed to me and we officially became a couple. I gained some 10-12 kgs in the past 2-3 years. But i am back to square one. Does love help you gain weight - I wonder. That probably explains why people get fat after marriage.
Anyway now since i am all alone, i must prove this theory wrong and gain some weight. But this requires a lot of effort. I will have to 1.) hit the gym ( i have somehow always considered gyming as physical labour for which you are not even paid - playing any sport is anyday more fun), 2.) Become a complete cook - somehow i have got the crazy idea in my head to cook for myself and not get a cook after moving alone to my new apartment. Now that means i will have to also cook nutritious food for me and all that crap, 3.) i definately have to buy a fridge to stock beer, cheese, butter, eggs, salami etc..

There are some more to-do lists that i need to as a step to move forward in life
- Get back to my reading habbits . Its so hard to get a book in hand. It reminds me of White and how we had dreamt of having a room full of books in our dream house and how all our friends used to freak out on our love for books.
- Be regular for squash and maybee badminton on weekends. Or will it be Tennis and cricket on weekends . Bloody confusing if you love playing all these games.
- Buy shoes and slippers.
- Buy clothes
- cut down on whisky and get to beer
- cut down on smoking( though i don't see the urge to do so)
- Get serioulsy involved in my project at office
- will this list evr end . i am not putting down any more to-dos

People say starting life afresh is a wonderful experience. Even i believed so. But i tell you its not. Its just a diversion, a compromise with life. How i wish i didn't have to start live afresh. Read in the paper today that its not bad to fall in love and then fall out of it. It leaves you with a rich experience and all that crap. The article did pose a question - Is it better to fall in love and fall out of it than to never fall in love? I don't have the answer to it. Yes all these years were the best in life. Nobody could have been happier than me. But if it had to end this way then wouldn't it have been better that it never happened. I will say maybe its White's fault. Had she not been so awesome, life without her would have been bearable. I don't know whether i was her perfect guy or not, but i always knew that even if i had got into an arranged marriage with her, with no love around, even then i know she would have been the perfect one for me. I know nobody will match her awesomeness. She was made for me. But yes ideal things are not present in the real world. Idealness is what you wish for and aim to achieve, you may come close to reaching it but you never achieve idealness.

I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet born within the cage,
That never knew the summer woods;
I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;
Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.
I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘T is better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.