I Decide

So I just vanished from the scene past couple of days. I am still to decide whether it was a good break from everything or it was pure running away from realities.
I skipped office for a couple of days without informing anyone and so its a long five-day weekend for me. And I have been drinking my heart out, and will continue doing so for the next three days and then maybe I will take a break from it. Its again one of those promises that I have been doing to myself and others that next week onwards I will get my life on track. And I just hope that this time, I do keep my promise.

Many things happened in the last few days. I called up White (methinks it will definately go down as my last conversation with her). I am proud of myself that I had a very normal conversation with her. I asked for her marriage date. She said "Phoenix how can I tell YOU the marriage date, I just can't do this to you". But finally i tricked her and acted very normal to get to know that its 19th April ( Another date gets added to my already long list of dates). But anyway somehow, the pain was less this time. We chatted for an hour, talked about things in life, laughed together and every thing went as if two friends were doing the catching-up-with-times kind of conversation. I just hope she is happy in her life. The only part that saddens me is the life she has chosen to live. She is a doctor in army and she really really hated the army life. I would always tell her that its a temporary phase and she will one day get out of the army. But now she is marrying a doctor who is also in army, so now she has to be a part of army all her life. I just hope she adjusts to it.

Now it was also one of those days, when so many people kept on telling me to get hold of my life. We were having one of those long drinking sessions, and then i got into a fight with Longhair.
I know he meant well for me, when he said that he wanted me to stop drinking. But one should know what one should say. I agree that he is my friend, but he has no right to put conditions on my life. He had no right to ask for a date when i will stop drinking, and it was foolish of him to say that he will only talk to me once i really stop drinking all alone. That is when i decided that I had enough. No one can decide about my life. I know I have been going through a bad phase, I have been doing some stupid stuff, but its me who decides the rights and wrongs in my life. I know friends and family always expect the best for you, but then the line should not be crossed. Anyway, so that was the conversation which kind of changed me. And I know i will get hold of the things in my life, and never again let anyone decide for me. I can now proudly say that now i have become strong enough to face the world. I won't pursue happiness, but i will definately fight out the sadness, the gloom, the failure of my life.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

- Invictus by W.E. Henley

P.S. - Let this post be incomplete for now.