So White called me up today. And now i wonder why? Maybe she just wanted to check out whether i am alive and okay to save her the guilt trips, maybe she was plainly worried as i stopped bugging her, or maybe she really missed me ( hah... there wakes up Mr Hope yet again).
And everytime i talk to her, i wonder and dread and hope not that it will be the last time i hear her voice.
Atleast i was able to act normal on the phone. Atleast, I fooled her to think that i am starting to get out of it. And i wonder, was it right to act so normal and stuff. What if i told her what i was going through, maybe she would have come back to me out of sheer pity? But then again i love her. Atleast she deserves to be happy. Atleast one of us deserves to live a happy life. Why let her feel guilty? It will atleast help her forget me.
So anyway, as the conversation continued alongwith long pauses, heavy breaths, silent sobbings at both ends and the signal fluctuating( these airtel people didn't spare even this conversation, someday when i become a rich man, i will personally sponsor a few more towers at current White's place, who knows, had there been more towers near her hospital, there wouldn't have been so many broken conversations and right this moment i would have been writing a blog on how wonderful our honeymoon was and what a wonderful feeling it is to get married after fighting so many odds)....
So the conversation continued, and she told me what a few other people on phone or chat had been telling me past couple of days - "You sound a lot better than last time". And i again smiled silently - Is it so simple to fool people about your feelings or your well-being. Maybe its easy, if i could fool White or my family then it actually is very easy to fool people. But then i remember what my friend New told me - " Don't act normal. Its not possible for a person to be normal so fast. Don't be a different person in front of people. Don't care about people, its not easy to get over this. Be whatever you are. don't act" That leaves me wondering, is it me who's making a fool out of myself. Is it okay to cry in public instead of running to toilets to cry, is it normal to have those fits where you lose track of time, is it okay to take those storng anti-depressant medicines that make you hysterically happy even if its for few hours????
I really don't have answers to these things. People who are around me have always in the past been able to guess or get out of me the reason for my sadness. But i have found a new me, whom i always feared lived somewhere inside me. The Me, who simply hides the pain from the people around, the Me who laughs normally when each part of him is crying. Yes, inspite of so many hours of conversations, or so many drinks, or so many sessions of caring that my family or my friends or those fuckheads (who generally get thrill out of somebody elses lifes) have bestowed upon me, i didn't tell them the reason, why the perfect couple broke. What was so earth-shattering that forced two people, whom the world considered to be the most matured couple, to seperate ways. But i won't let them know. i don't want them to judge our relationship, i also know that nobody other than us can understand the circumstances. It happened to me, so its me who has to suffer. And i will as long as i can and i will do whatever i have to.
Anyway we talked, and now i itch to sms her at two in the night, but i know i have no right to. Maybe one of the reasons i lost her was i used to think a lot about what was right what was wrong, i thought what would be good for her and what was not. Maybe i did think a lot all through my fairytale relationship with her even if it was always for her own good. So in short maybe i thought more than i was supposed to and i missed on what i should have done instead of thinking. But anyway the list of what i should have done and what not, will never end all my life.MOTS ( moral of the story) is i won't sms her and bug her and let her drift away ( or maybe she already has).
Anyway in other news India did defeat Australia comprehensively. Atleast something to cheer about. But even the fucking cricket reminds me of her. All my life, nothing has been able to take away my attention from a India match if i am watching, not my mother's scolding , not my exams, not even my office. And when i once told this fact to White while watching a match(
an india-sri lanka match i remember where Uthappa was in full flow), all it took was an awesome smile and a passionate touch from her, and i forgot that i was watching a match. And then after that even her phone calls could easily divert my attention from a match. But sadly now, again i have nothing to take me away form a cricket match.
Among other things i definately need to go to office at 10 and not 12 tomorrow. And i was supposed to go to the gym from tomorrow, but it seems i will have to procrastinate it for a day [:P].
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