Hope - fire -ash -wind

So what's the latest? Well, White is getting married I think in a months time. That's life for you - the more you start loving it, the more difficult it becomes, the more you chase it, the farther it goes and when you think you have understood the game and you turn your back to it, it comes back, yes, it comes back with vengeance to start the game again.

I thought I was trying to get normal, was learning to live my life without White. But then, I was wrong. It started in a birthday party. I was in a process of getting wasted. I met a guy ( some asshole who happened to be department mate in college), who had been spreading rumours all over my friend circle ( or my college circle to be more correct) that i was keeping sick all the time. The best part is i haven't met him in .... 4-5 months. And here he was, telling everyone that i had been visiting doctors everyday , as if the fuckhead was the one taking me to them. So anyway, i got my chance to confront him, right in the party. I was just looking for a moment when i could corner him, and give him my peice of mind. Conversation of the hour was marriage and girlfriends. People were pulling each others legs, when, of all the people in the room, one my friends ( time has come to introduce you to Longhair - we have been friends and next door neighbours all our college life and we shared the apartment together before i moved alone. I wont say we are the best of friends, even though we have spent so many years together maybe because time and agian he has given me enough reasons not to be so ), Longhair goes like "........ and thats the reason why Phoenix could not get married". And i just snapped. I know people can go overboard when drunk but do they have the liberty to say just anything. It was my first socializing since my break-up, and right in the first one, one of my best friends makes my situation a subject of ridicule, just to get some pats on the back for being funny. What can i expect out of other people who don't even know my state of mind? The night was gone for me. I kept on drinking, and one after the other, everyone tried to make me speak a word, and everyone infact was trying to get rid off their guilt.

Anyway, fully drunk and wasted , i returned to my apartment, opened my lappy and connected the net. While surfing through my orkut, i wandered to some of White's friends' profiles. And there it was written in one of the scraps - White was getting married in a month's time. A month - thats it. I knew it was inevitable, but i had a hope. Who doesn't have one even if its a false hope - a dying man hopes for heaven, a man dying of cancer hopes for a peaceful death, a rose hopes of going into a lover's hand while being plucked, a matchstick hopes of becoming a part of a fire before being put out, and the phoenix hopes to rise from the ashes while burning in the fire. But hope is a denial of today rather than an expectation of tomorrow. The "matchstick" did light a fire, and the "Phoenix" did burn in that fire with the hope, but the "wind" blew away the ashes before it could rise from it.

And so here i am waiting to find out White's wedding date, the day when Phoenix will burn in the same fire around which White will will take her marriage vows. Will the phoenix rise from the ashes i don't know, will the phoenix blow away in the wind , i don't know, but yes what i know is that the phoenix won't hope.

P.S. - Achievement - Today's the 36th day without break that i am drinking. A new drinking feat for me ..YAY