Songs about rain

I loved the rains. It was my favourite season/weather. When I was a kid, I used to sit in my balcony, and watch the rainfall for hours. I just loved the sight of rain-water flooding the garden, a heavy stream flowing through the drains, people taking shelter inside the house under construction which was right across the street, the dark clouds, the lightening, in fact I loved just everything. If I were in school, I would make sure that I go out and play in the rains and get completely drenched. Even in college, my favorite days were the first monsoon rain. It was a pretty sight.

Rain had a special place in my relationship with White. I met White for the first time , when I was in sixth grade. I was representing my school in some Maggie quiz and White was representing hers. We were travelling in the same bus to reach the venue. And it rained all the day long. The most prominent memory of our first meeting was the rains.
White joined my school in 11th grade. That was when I ended up having a crush on her. And I remember those rainy days, when we were forced to stay back in the class in those free periods, which meant a chat session with White and her friends. Or after school, when I would purposely pass by her side drenching in the rain, when she would offer me to come under her umbrella (it was stupid and kiddish yet sweet).
When she proposed to me on the phone, I remember standing in the balcony watching the drizzle outside.
And it was raining on our first date . We went for a movie on her scooty (she would say its not a scooty its Activa). By the time we reached the theatre we were both wet. And it rained the whole day, and the next few days. Every day we would get wet and would end up in Barista , shivering, with coffee.
Whenever it rained, I would call her up (even if she was hundreds of miles away) , and we would dream of the time when we could enjoy the rains together in our balcony. So many memories .....

Its raining here today. And I hate it. I feel like throwing-up every minute. Every minute brings back those beautiful memories. And I cannot call her and tell her about the rain. And I realize that we will never ever be able to share the moment together. Will this ever end? I know there will be many more rainy days in my life. I know every time it would remind me of her. And I know it will leave me nauseated.

I HATE IT. I HATE THE RAINS.

Well this town has closed down, way too early
And there's nothing to do
So I'm driving around in circles
And I'm thinking about you
Today I heard you got a new last name
I sure didn't know it was gonna hit me this way
And the radio just keeps on playing all these
Songs About Rain...

Now there's all kinds of songs about babies
and love that goes right,
But for some unknown reason
Nobody wants to play them tonight,
Hey, I hope it's sunny wherever you are
That's sure not the picture, tonight in my car
And it sure ain't easin' my pain
All these songs like...

"Rainy Night In Georgia"
and "Kentucky Rain"
"Here Comes That Rainy Day Feeling Again",
"Blue Eyes Cryin" in the "Early Morning Rain"
They go on and on, and there's no two the same
Oh it would be easy to blame all these
Songs About Rain

Well, I thought I was over you
But I guess maybe I'm not
'Cause when I let you go
Looks like lonely is all that I got
I guess I'll never know what could have been
it sure ain't helping this mood that I'm in
If they're gonna keep on playin these songs like...

"Rainy Night In Georgia"
and "Kentucky Rain"
"Here Comes That Rainy Day Feeling Again",
"Blue Eyes Cryin" in the "Early Morning Rain"
They go on and on, and there's no two the same
Oh how I wish I could blame all these
Songs About Rain

All these Songs About Rain...

- Garry Allan - Songs about rain

...into the shining sun

Why is it that you don't believe it until you see it? And when you see it, you wish that you hadn't.

White got married on 20th. But there was no special gloom on that day. Or maybe arrival of the parents took away any chance of such an event. The thought remained at the back of the mind but never really came to the front until the other day.
I opened my orkut account and I saw the list of updates of people in my friends list. And there it was. A set of fourteen pictures of White's marriage. Her husband ( how strange it sounds) had supposedly put up the pictures of the marriage. And believe you me, curiosity does indeed kill the cat. I peeped into the album and then it really struck me. Till that time, there was a stupid, impossible but faint hope that maybe they didn't get married. But now I had visual proofs. It was all there. Each photo, telling a tale of its own, telling me it could have been me in the pictures, reminding me of all the dreams that we had dreamt together of how our marriage would be. Those photos will always be there to remind me of what I have missed.
Anyhoo, for one last time I must say this to myself - Now its finally the time to move on. May White have a great married life. Its time to bring back the spices and cook a new life for me.
And as the song goes

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the moment had arrived

For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the waiting had begun

And headed straight..into the shining sun

One of the better tags

This was an im-promtu tag for me in one of the parties ( not to mention that i was drunk when i took it). I vaguley remember what my anwers were, but i want to take it again. I had promised the person who introduced me to the tag, that i will put his/her link on the post whenever i take this tag. But, i want to say sorry to him/her because I want to keep my anon. thing going. So here it goes:

Rules of the tag : Various situations are given. You have to come up with a song( or set of songs) that aptly describe the particular situation in your life.

Your Life: The Soundtrack

Opening credits: main huun DON

Waking up : if i were a carpenter/ ring of fire

Average day: main zindagi ka saath nibhata chula gaya

First date :My heart is beating/ kuch kuch hota hai/ tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata koi

Falling in love : You fill up my senses(Annie's song)/ time's a wastin'/pal pal dil ke paas

Love scene: Making love out of nothing at all

Fight scene: i get knocked down(tubthumping)

Breaking up: Baat niklegi toh duur talak jaayegi / din dhal jaaye/ mera kuch samaan

Getting back together: Coming back to life

Secret love : pretty woman

Life's okay : Turn the page

Mental breakdown : yaad aa rahi hai

Driving : yeh raasta hai zindagi/paradise city/

Learning a lesson : turn the page

Deep thought : in the dangling conversation

Flashback : Tum se hi/ pal pal dil ke paas

Partying : Roadhouse blues

Happy dance : Whole Lotta Love

Regretting : yeh shaam fir nahi aayegi/wish you were here

Long night alone: sound of silence

Death scene : yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaaye

Closing credits : comfortably numb/whisky lullaby

Now, let me tell you readers these songs may not be the apt ones, but these are the ones currently going in my mind . i will definately update this blog from time to time to make it more true and apt.

And now time to play the devil.

I tag

1. Moo
2. Pri
3. Muggermuch ( i know you won't be taking this up .. but what the hell, i will give it a shot )
4. Avani ( if you have a blog )
5. anyone who wants to take it
   

Biryani Nights

Its been a month since I started cooking. Whenever you start cooking, you dream of cooking something exotic right from day one. One of such dishes on my wishlist was Kashmiri Mutton Biryani. So last week I finally decided to try my luck. But mind you, for a lazybone like me, the gestation period for any trivial task goes into weeks. Like, it took me three weeks to finally buy a running shoes that i needed for my gym and squash. And its been more than a month since i decided that i should join a gym and resume playing squash. It took me more than a month to get up early and go to office before noon.

To cook the biryani I needed to do a little bit of shopping. And it took me five days before I finally ended up shopping for the ingredients. And what an experience it was. Imagine a young guy going to a shop (famous for stocking various kinds of spices) which is full of species from the Venus-land. This is how it went

Me: Bhaiya kaun kaun se masale hote hain
( It was as if i had asked "aapke paas kaun kaun se condom hain" , because suddenly all eyes focussed on me as if I was the shop-jester for the night)
guy behind the counter(GBTC) : (with a smirk) aapko kaun se masale chahiye
Me: Mujhe maloom hota toh kya main aapse yeh poochta ki masale kitne tarah ke hote hain
GBTC : Humare paas 100 se bhi zyada masale hain.
( realising that this conversation was not going anywhere i tried recollecting all the ingredients from the recipe i picked from the net)
Me : Laung, Ilaichi, sheh-zeera, cardamon ,cinnamon ...
GBTC :(interrupting) carmom,chinmom kya hota hai
Me : Arre hadd karte ho, maloom hota toh bolta na hindi mein
GBTC : yahaan bahut customer hain, aap pata karke aayeeye ki aapko kya chaahiye
( Now I was on the verge of losing my temper, when suddenly the owner of the shop - an old lady, came to my rescue)
The old lady( TOL) : Beta cardamon bole toh ilaichi, cinnamon bole toh dal-chini. Waise tum kya bananae waale ho?
Me : Aunty abhi tak toh biryani banane ki koshish kar raha tha, par lagta nahi ki banega.
TOL : Koi nahi main batati huun kya kya masala chahiye.
( then she orders GBTC to get a list of things which i had no clue of)
Me: ( trying not to be naive)Aunty, mujhe kesar bhi chahiye.
TOL: Beta, kesar sone ke bhav ka bikta hai
Me : (snobbishly) haan aunty suna hai mehenga hai, par koi baat nahi
TOL: Tum samjhe nahi, mehenga nahi , actually sone ke bhav ka hota hai kesar, 240 Rs mein 1 gram.
( That was like a bomb dropping on my head. Took me time before i recovered)
Me: ( the sound barely coming from my throat) accha aunty 1 gram hi de dijiye.
........

So finally i was done with all the shopping. But when i reached home, i saw that my net connection was gone and i had forgot to save the page. Again i had to wait for 2 more days before the connection was restored.
Yesterday, after refusing two tasty dinner invitations and with a resolve to conquer the elusive world of cooking , I came back at 11 in the night to cook my Kashmiri mutton biryani.

This is how it progressed at midnight
This was the mutton being prepared before the biryani with all the "carmoms" and "chinmoms in it"





And this is how it looked at 1:30 am




And to be very frank for a first timer it was awesome. And I believe in 2-3 attempts, i will become a master of kasmiri mutton biryani.



And my parents, when they come in May, are in for a serious surprise :D. And just to prove that it was really edible, I had the left over as dinner tonight .....and it was still amazing.

Tag -eh!!!

So I was gone for long. Blame the Internet provider.
Anyway, I have been tagged for quite sometime by Moo, and since its my first tag, i should oblige. So here it goes ...

Ten things you wish you could say to people right now (without taking their names):

1. Why did it have to happen to us.
2. I am happy that I don't believe that you exist and if you do, then I don't care
3. Thank you for helping me get back to things I loved to do and was scared to do them ever.
4. Even if we were the best of friends, this is a new start to a never-ending friendship.
5. I always feared that you were better than me and you proved me wrong, but I hope that you live up to the expectations of the people who believe in you.
6. I hope you get all that you dreamed of and never got.
7. I hate to hate you and i love that i love you
8. This time around i will definitely exceed your expectations
9. Get married for heaven's sake.
10. Thank you for everything.

Nine things about yourself:

1. I love playing/watching any kind of sport.
2. I need the music to be playing even if i am in the shower
3. A non-vegetarian to the core.
4. I am a confused bloke when it comes to forming an impression of a person, but when i do its impossible to change it.
5. I am a social person but I can survive without people for days, provided i have Internet, books and movies
6. I find 8/10 people i meet to be dumb and boring
7. I will open up a theme restaurant at 35
8. I suck when it comes to saving money
9. Over the years I have realised that alcohol is my babe.

Eight ways to win your heart:

I will skip this one because to win my heart you will have to compete with White and as of now it will be equivalent to Napoleon looking for the only word that's missing in his dictionary. :P

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

1. Will I be able to start a life without White.
2. I need to join the gym
3. I need to get the parking in the office basement.
4. Am i doing justice to my career?
5. Am I drinking today?
6. When will I pay all my credit card bills
7. I need to buy a couch, a TV stand, a nice stereo for my car, an apartment ......

Six things you wish you never did:

1. Work for somebody else
2. Let White slip away from me
3. Get back to smoking after quitting it for good
4. Try to be good to people when i should have given them my piece of mind
5. Choose the college where i did my graduation
6. Lend books

Five Turn offs:

1. bad food
2. smelly creatures
3. people with poor sense of humour
4. A bad movie/book
5. short hair

Four turn ons:

1. alcohol/coffee
2. well-read people
3. a particular brand of perfume
4. rain

Three things you want to do before you die:

1. Open up a restaurant
2. Watch all the Formula one races/watch Inter Milan vs AC Milan/watch Lakers match
3. Bungee-jumping/sky-diving/surfing

Two smileys that describe you:

1. :P
2. :D

One confession:

This one kept me thinking for 15 minutes, and all my sins flashed in front of my eyes, and now I won't love myself till tomorrow morning :( .But just for the heck of the tag let me put a lame confession which doesn't sound like a confession : I don't believe in god.

I don't tag anyone as all you people who read my blog have already taken up this one or have stopped updating your blogs.

A perfect day???

Today was a new day in my life. A new beginning. I did change the daily schedule of past few months. I forced myself to sleep before three in the morning (I really don't know when i finally went to sleep), woke up at eight. I, after ages, finally managed to see whether my Bai actually cleans the house or not - she ain't that bad :) . Actually, every morning she rings the bell, I open the door in a half drunken state, and then collapse in bed, until she wakes me up before leaving. And then i wonder whether she stayed even for five minutes ( leave alone whether she has cleaned the house or not).
Anyway, Bai was very happy to see me awake, when she came in, and I could actually see her smile when she found no half-filled whisky glass or a can of beer around my bed. And believe you me, that did bring me a new energy to start a good day.
After ages I reached the office at ten. Even the security guards had a weird smile on their face when they saw my car enter the premises so early. And this was the first day in 2008, that i was able to park my car in the basement and not out in the sun (Yay... that was really an acheivement). My team-mates were amazed to see me keep my promise of someday coming to office before ten. Sadly my boss wasn't around to see me come so early :( .
The obvious effect of going against your body clock could be seen as early as noon. I was yawning every other second. Finally I dozed off to sleep in my cubicle after a heavy lunch. Now a point to note is that the fact that my boss wasn't in office did act as a perfect lullaby. When I woke up after say half an hour of sleep, I saw my boss very much there in office, and of all places , right in the next cubicle. But anyway, next half an hour went in damage control.
I finally returned from office at half-past nine and pretty much tired. I had a decent dinner ( which was becuase i did not cook today) and just a couple of drinks with my friends.

As I sit to write this blog, I wonder - Is my life finally back on track??? People in my office hadn't seen me beaming with so much energy in ages, I wasn't more busy than today, I had all the three meals of the day and i didn't drink myself to sleep. Whatelse could I ask for? But then this brain does work in the strangest of ways. Today is a day when I miss White the most. It just feels like I acheived so much in a day that I need to tell White about it all, as I had been doing so, past so many years. Today was a day, when after fully being engrossed in work for an hour or so, I took a break to go to the terrace for a smoke, it felt like everything was normal. It was as it used to be, when i would take a break from work, go to the terrace, and call up White, talk to her, hear her laugh, get back the energy and go back to work. Everything seemed so normal except that I couldn't call up White. Today i really-really miss those mid-night conversations, when we would talk about our day-to-day life, when she would laugh hysterically on my jokes, discuss about movies and books, dream about our marriage, and when four out of five times she would doze off on the phone, when she wouldn't let me keep the phone even if she was half-asleep, when i would whisper "I love you" knowing that she is asleep, hoping her brain dosen't hear these words or else she would wake up but her heart hears it so that she has sweet sweet dreams.

So who says life is fair. I should have been sleeping like a log after such a busy and content kind of day, But here I am, all alone in my bed, ina foetal position ,clinging to my pillow, staring at the silhouette of the fan in the dark, smoking a cigarette, missing White's laughter, missing seeing her sleep, missing her.

Dreams are my reality

the only real kind of real fantasy

illusions are a common thing

I try to live in dreams

it seems as if it's meant to be.

Dreams are my reality

a different kind of reality

I dream of loving in the night

and loving seems alright

although it's only fantasy.

I Decide

So I just vanished from the scene past couple of days. I am still to decide whether it was a good break from everything or it was pure running away from realities.
I skipped office for a couple of days without informing anyone and so its a long five-day weekend for me. And I have been drinking my heart out, and will continue doing so for the next three days and then maybe I will take a break from it. Its again one of those promises that I have been doing to myself and others that next week onwards I will get my life on track. And I just hope that this time, I do keep my promise.

Many things happened in the last few days. I called up White (methinks it will definately go down as my last conversation with her). I am proud of myself that I had a very normal conversation with her. I asked for her marriage date. She said "Phoenix how can I tell YOU the marriage date, I just can't do this to you". But finally i tricked her and acted very normal to get to know that its 19th April ( Another date gets added to my already long list of dates). But anyway somehow, the pain was less this time. We chatted for an hour, talked about things in life, laughed together and every thing went as if two friends were doing the catching-up-with-times kind of conversation. I just hope she is happy in her life. The only part that saddens me is the life she has chosen to live. She is a doctor in army and she really really hated the army life. I would always tell her that its a temporary phase and she will one day get out of the army. But now she is marrying a doctor who is also in army, so now she has to be a part of army all her life. I just hope she adjusts to it.

Now it was also one of those days, when so many people kept on telling me to get hold of my life. We were having one of those long drinking sessions, and then i got into a fight with Longhair.
I know he meant well for me, when he said that he wanted me to stop drinking. But one should know what one should say. I agree that he is my friend, but he has no right to put conditions on my life. He had no right to ask for a date when i will stop drinking, and it was foolish of him to say that he will only talk to me once i really stop drinking all alone. That is when i decided that I had enough. No one can decide about my life. I know I have been going through a bad phase, I have been doing some stupid stuff, but its me who decides the rights and wrongs in my life. I know friends and family always expect the best for you, but then the line should not be crossed. Anyway, so that was the conversation which kind of changed me. And I know i will get hold of the things in my life, and never again let anyone decide for me. I can now proudly say that now i have become strong enough to face the world. I won't pursue happiness, but i will definately fight out the sadness, the gloom, the failure of my life.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

- Invictus by W.E. Henley

P.S. - Let this post be incomplete for now.