The White Phoenix

Thirties Here we come!!!

2011-10-20T17:28:00.006+05:30

So we turn Thirty!!!!!

It hasn't sinked in yet, but I will look back at those 30 years sometime soon. In short, the last 30 has been a busy one with studies, start-ups, jobs, love, heart-breaks, friendships, life-long bonds, parties and many more unforgettable moments. It was fun. But there is a gut feeling that th enext 30 will be the ones that I will be remembered for.

As Selene put it to me

The only time you really live fully is from thirty to sixty. The young are slaves to dreams; the old servants of regrets. Only the middle-aged have all their five senses in the keeping of their wits. - Hervey Allen

Only that I refuse to be called middle-aged :P.

It's been an amazing birthday till now. Friends gathered for my cake cutting. I was down with food-poisioning, yet, we braved a lot of vomits to welcome the thirties with a satisfying sip of single-malt, cake smudging on the face and amazing gifts. And I do want to boast about the best gift ever. I was looking for this elusive out-of-print copy since ages. And Selene made it possible for me

Next sweet thing was my mom waiting all day long, before calling me at 4:36pm and saying "Now you have turned 30".

Week long parties have been planned. Small party today, followed by few card parties, and a big bash on Sunday afternoon. Should be fun :)

So I haven't planned how my next few years are going to be, but some things I want to do are

Have my own start-up
Visit one country each year for the next few years
Watch as many sports events as possible (This itself is a long list)
Get back to playing sports everyday
Brush my teeth in the night
Improve my dietary habbits
Have a large collection of alcohol
Keep on dodging the marriage bullet

And some more things that I will add to this list soon.

Cheers !!!!

To Selene - Part III

2011-10-13T00:01:00.002+05:30

It's that time of the year when I have to log in and wish you at a place that reminds us of the beginning of the "beshtest" friendships of our lives. And suppose that you don't like the gifts (which I doubt) , I can always say that I am updating this blog just for you, after 9-10 months so you cannot complain (I am cheap like that :) )

A VERY HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY TO YOU

Its a milestone birthday and you must be looking back at the things you achieved, the people you met, the bridges you made and the moments that made you smile or cry. And when you do that , I am sure you will see us like the icing on the cake ( spot-light hamesha hum pe bani rehni chahiye). I am proud to say that the last two and half years that we have spent together is like thirty years if not a lifetime.

And the last one year was no exceptions. And the highlight of it was the trip to thailand. I was going through a previous post of yours of thirty things to do before turning thirty. The trip puts a check on one of the items :). I can proudly say that this was by far the best vacation I had ( Goa vacation ko bhi neeche karna padega iske liye toh :P ).

Last year was full of interesting food ( your south india recipes and my bihari mutton) , long discussion and debates ( I have to admit that I still can't beat you in a debate:) ), crazy dancing nights at our favorite watering hole, vacations, gambling (:P that would be mostly me ), watching movies, shopping, shifting houses and running around to make both our houses a party place and uncountable number of beers.

We did have our share of fights, those difficult and sad moments and those disappointments , but like always, we have come a long way and our friendship is all the more beautiful. You have been my biggest support and like I always say , I have grown with you beside me. Thank you :)

I strongly feel that your decade is here with this 30th birthday. This will be the decade because of which you will be remembered for. No one might believe what I say , but my gut says so ( and you know my gut is never wrong). Even though it's your birthday i am putting a wishlist for you for the next decade

Write at least five books.
Learn 10 different cuisines from 10 pars of the world ( refer gift :P)
Visit 10 new countries (strictly on vacation and of course with me )
Become very famous
Earn a lot of money (its only for me so that you can fund my ventures, give me expensive gifts and take me to fancy places)
Have at least 10,000 books in your bookshelf
Have a smile for at least 64800 hours while the rest 21600 hours are spent in deep sleep.

I will keep on adding to this list from time to time :)

And after you have done all of it (of course with me being around), I can so imagine celebrating your 40th birthday with you in a hot cotton saree and me in linen shirt, both of us with salt an pepper hair, saying cheers to beer :)

A very happy birthday to you. The magical number always is and always will be 42 :)

Tere jaisa yaar kahan
Kahan aisa yaarana
Yaad karegi duniya
Tera mera afsana

Meri zindagi sawaari
Mujhko gale lagake
Baitha diya falak pe
Mujhe khaak se oothake
Yaara teri yaari ko
Maine to khuda mana
Yaad karegi duniya
Tera mera afsana

Mere dil ki yeh dua hai
Kabhi door tu na jaaye
Tere bina ho jeena
Woh din kabhi na aaye
Tere sung jeena yahan
Tere sung mar jaana
Yaad karegi duniya
Tera mera afsana

2011 : Koi Roko Naa ....

2011-01-23T21:19:00.004+05:30

I am definitely late for a birthday post or a year ending post or even a year-beginning post, but yet here I am with a "better late than never" post.

One of the main reasons for such a delay is my job which has been really keeping me busy. Oh!!! Did I tell you I have shifted jobs? :) Yes, now I can be put in the one-that-changes-jobs-every-year club. But, this job is really interesting, just the kind I had been itching to lay my hands on. It's a successful start-up in the internet industry. And for a change from my previous job, majority of my colleagues here believe more in working and not indulging in politics. BTW, the firm is into fashion and luxury items, which means that now, I know what pumps, hobo bags, ivy-caps or faux-fur outerwear are :P.

So, coming back to 2010, there were three major things that happened.
Firstly, I managed to dodge the marriage bullet. There were many proposals and some close shaves. I am sure this year will be the toughest of all. But I am equally convinced this year that marriage is not my cup of tea and also that I don't like this particular "tea". I want to concentrate on my career, do a lot of travelling and many more interesting things on my own.

Second important thing was my job shift. And finally after ages I am actually working more than eight hours a day. I am working on weekends and that too by choice. I am enjoying every moment of it.

And the third and the most important thing is that I am no more a virgin when it comes to Goa. Yes, I finally got to to see Goa, thanks to Selene. There were innumerable occasions in my life when I was very close to doing a Goa-trip and every time something or the other happened. And I was tired of hearing Goa stories. And it was Selene who always said that Goa is one place so made for me. And after one and half years of planning, we finally did Goa. And what a place that is. I like the water a lot, I like beer a lot and I like lazying around a lot. And all of it happened in Goa. There was beer, the sea, more beer, the beaches and yes more beer. We sat for hours sipping beer, devouring sea-food, watching the waves and not uttering a word. We did party a lot in the night and lost money in the casino , but my favorite moments were the quiet ones, sitting on the beach and watching the waves rise with grandeur and collapse in front our feet in total submission. Majestic!!
And I have promised myself that I have to do a Goa trip every year. Sher ke mooh mein khoon lag gaya finally ;)

2010 was a good year for me. I bought my dream car, partied like animals and traveled to a few places . And yes, I shifted to a new house which i intend to make a perfect bachelor's pad. So what what plans for 2011, you ask?

Well, no big plans but some things that I want to do are

Work harder and build a name in the industry
Concentrate on my health a little more. I haven't played a sport in ages and that's so not me. 2010 will be the only year in my life where I didn't play at all. But I don't want it to happen anymore.
Travel to Ladakh. Again, you can blame Selene for that because she says you can travel to whatever part of the world, but if you haven't seen Ladakh, you haven't seen anything. So, hopefully in July will make a plan.
Also, want to save some money and do a trip to a firang country. The idea is to see at least one country every year.
There's a strong urge building up inside me . And that is to go the start-up way again. I don't think it's going to happen in the near future, but the itch is growing every day, so you never know :)
And finally, dodge the marriage bullet again :)

The anthem for 2011 is

Koi Roko Na Deewane Ko

Mann Machal Raha Kuch Gaane Ko

Koi Roko Na Deewane Ko

Mann Machal Raha Kuch Gaane Ko

Koi Roko Na ..

... because …

ik raasta hai zindagi

jo tham gaye to kuch nahi
ye qadam kisi muqaam pe

jo tham gaye to kuch nahi

Experience Life !!!

I am 29 going on 30 , dil kyun na dhak dhak kare

2010-10-20T23:56:00.003+05:30

We begin the last year of our twenties and so this decade will henceforth be known as the talli twenties. Thriving thirties we will see you next year.
Details of my 29th birthday in the next post.
Happy birthday to me

To Selene - Part II

2010-10-13T00:05:00.001+05:30

Dear Selene,

The time of the year has come when tumko footage dene ka time aata hai. Toh humne socha ki since I am such a gentleman, I should oblige.

The last year has been one hell of a ride.We had loads of Mahabharat between us and and we had numerous drunken revelries. But the moments I cherish are the Saturday afternoon conversations that we generally have. We have discussed people, relationships, career, life and what not. And like always tumhaare gyaan ko koi beat nahi kar sakta. And I say this because we have always been on the same plane, and hence your gyaan has always forced me to think about life in a saner way.

We did so many vacations together. But the special one is, by far, Goa. (Yes readers, I am no more a Goa-virgin, details later). And it has been the best vacation ever. Goa turned out to be just the way you had described and yes I loved every bit of it. Thank you for that. And next time as promised, we will definitely do Leh-Ladakh.

And I am really happy about your new job. I strongly believe that this is the job that will take you places. You totally deserve it. ( Dear readers , Selene is all set to become a hi-flier and is now a "BlackBerry Boy"). I now have the licence to tease you about your BB. Muwahahahaah

Now, coming to your birthday. Your gifts have been bought as requested (err I mean as commanded). And I so love your whining right now about not having a dress to wear for the party. *evil laughter* ;).

Now let's make a todo for you for the next year

- You should be more regular with your blog

- You better start thinking about your book

- start planning a vacation in Ladakh

- Be prepared for more parties at TC.

It's been an amazing experience being a part of your life. You really know how to take care of the people around you and that's the best thing about you. In other words aage bhi hum peecha nahi chhodne waale.

Happy birthday to you. I know you will have a blast this year. Waise bhi aakhri saal hai jawaani ka. Agle saal se 30 ka budhaapa hai.

The song for you this birthday is

Tum Kya Mile Jane jaan
Pyaar Zindagi Se Ho gaya
Aji Izzat Afzayee Ka Shukriyaa Shukriya
Is Nacheez Ko Aap Ne Kaabil Toh Samjha
Tum Kya Mile Jane jaan
Pyaar Zindagi Se Ho gaya

Hum Toh Yeh Samjhe The
Kahaani Khatam Huyee
Naaz Humein Tha Jispe
Jawaani Khatam Huyee
Tera Mera Yeh Saamana
Naye Ek Subhaa Ki Iktida
Tum Kya Mile Jane jaan
Pyaar Zindagi Se Ho gaya

Yeh zindagi hai ek juwaa

2010-09-13T14:45:00.005+05:30

I love Poker. I used to be a big fan of Teen Patti, but the day I started playing Poker, Teen Patti looked childish. Its like discovering beer after years of drinking coke.

In the last few days while playing poker I started noticing a lot of things that are relevant in life too. Yes, poker has an element of luck, but not entirely. There are a few other aspects of life that poker teaches

1. Risk
Poker is about risk. There are two kinds of unsuccessful poker players - one kind who don't ever take risk and two who risk a lot hoping to strike lucky. Whether its Poker or life , if you fall in any of the two categories, you are doomed to fail. A successful risk is a calculative one. Its not a blind risk. You risk your chips/life keeping in mind the probability of you winning with the cards in hand (read - things/opportunities that you own), probability of failure of your opponents with the cards on the board and finally the probability of the next card opening on the board and giving you a winning hand. Risks are good. I have taken a lot of risks. some have worked some haven't. But, all the risks that failed for me were ones where I was short-sighted and where I didn't hedge my risks.

2. Ego
In a normal game of poker (and by normal I mean players who are not professionals), I believe, 90 % of times someone loses a hand because of her ego. Having Ego is good. But never mix ego with risk and never have an ego-war with your opponent - have it with yourself. A lot of times you keep on playing (even if you don't have a good hand) because you want to defeat a particular person. You think the opponent is bluffing. You believe that your success is in her failure and not in your winning. Take my word for it - you will eventually LOSE everything. Learn to give your ego a cold shoulder once in a while. Learn to withdraw in time : You might not have won the round but you have succeeded in being in the game ready to strike the next time opportunity comes your way. Jab taang hi nahi rahegi toh daudoge kaise?

3. "How much" after "when"
You might have mastered the art of "when to risk", but is that enough? Methinks NOT. Another aspect to understand is "How much to risk". My advice is that when you believe that you are in a winning position, back yourself with higher stakes . There's always a chance of luck playing a spoilt sport but then you will always take back the thought that you lost to a better hand. In life, this is what we call backing ourselves up. We fail because a lot of times we don't back ourselves well when we have belief in ourselves. All our lives we win some, we lose some. I feel the successful ones are those who risk big when it really matters. Obviously, if you lose, you lose a lot more but you will know that you fought well and you will not be disheartened and will be up for it the next time.

4. Losing is winning
You get better at poker by losing and not by winning. And same goes for life. When someone asked Edison why he persisted in inventing a light bulb after his numerous failed attempts , he replied 'I haven’t failed. I have discovered 5000 ways of how not to do it. These can now be eliminated from my experiments.’

P.S. - Next time a Jai tells a Mausi that Veeru kabhi kabhi Juwaa khel leta hai, give Veeru a brownie point because he knows a trick or two about life :)

P.P.S. - And the whole point of the post was not to give you gyaan, but to entice you to a game of poker at my place :P :P .

Twitter ki haseen duniya

2010-06-23T11:37:00.003+05:30

In the past few days I have been reading and hearing a lot about twitter. Barkha Dutt hosted a show on "We the people(tweeple)" (too lazy to put the link) where people discussed what's ethical on twitter, whether twitter can be regarded as an alternate form of journalism, whether twitter is invading our privacy, and of course Chetan Bhagat cribbing about how he was wronged etc. Then there were a few people who went on a Twitter detox. They stayed away from twitter for about 15 days. All these people went on a detox because of various reasons. But some of the reasons were really lame like

We were first to join twitter
We used to have intellectual conversations on twitter and now it's just noise
Twitter is invading privacy

I am no brand ambassador of twitter, but being in the Internet Industry and also following social-media closely , let me tell you how I feel.

Twitter is the new age journalism : People say that twitter is not credible enough. But you got to realize that it's an individual who builds credibility. If I am a budding journalist and I keep on pushing good content/news on twitter, people will start following me. Yes, there is a lot of noise, but that's the beauty of twitter. It's your prerogative to follow the right kind of people for a particular subject(in this case news). People have an issue with false breaking-news (especially local news) published on twitter by individuals. But again you got to realize, it's just a starting point of a news. If I tweet that there's a fire in the next building, you are not supposed to believe me. Instead you have got a lead, you need to verify the fact through other sources.

Also, it works as a great tool to market your blogs, flickr albums, graphic art etc. There are no strict rules to define what qualifies as media. One-to-many flow of information has every right to be called a news medium.

Twitter ethics : I have argued about this a lot with friends and colleagues. General stance is that no one has the right to take a dig at some person (generally celebrities). But I say, my twitter account is my space. I haven't asked you to follow me. If you do , then you have no right to question what I tweet. The best moderation on Internet works on the fundamental principle of all users becoming moderators. WikiPedia is a success because the users make it a point to moderate what other users are writing. You cannot moderate everything on your site. Involve the users to report spam, and it works wonders. Similarly, on twitter if a guy keeps on cursing people, he will be shunned in general by all. So, don't be a moral police on Twitter.

As for the whole detox thing :

If you were the early twitter good for you. But yes, its not your own property. People will join , like it or hate it.
We used to have intellectual conversations on twitter and now it's just noise : Dude , I was a party to your conversation. Exchanging rhyming drunken tweets is not being intellectual. Chances of finding 10 intellectual tweets from 1000 users is much preferable than 2 intellectual tweets from 100 users. And I know what your problem is. You enjoyed the early-movers advantage and you enjoyed the twitter celebrity status. Now, there are many more tweeple who are more witty and and their tweets are much more informative. Accept that. Don't like it get out of twitter. As for the noise part, yes, that's bound to happen. But you should know the art of separating grain from chaff. If not, your loss. Also, if you don't like a celebrity tweeting about his toilet habits, don't follow her. It's your choice so learn to deal with it.
Twitter is invading privacy: Twitter is a platform. It's your choice to share what you want on twitter. You can control who wants to see your personal tweet. But if someone sees your tweet you don't have the right to complain. If you feel your virtual life is taking over your real life and friends, it's your problem and nobody else's. You have mixed your priorities. Don't find an scapegoat.

In all, Twitter is a medium. Enjoy it. Use it like the way you want to use it. Just like in life, be judgemental of your own tweeting habits and not of others.

MOTS: Jab tak meri jaan rahegi main tweetoonga

O Jeeves , Where art thou?

2010-05-05T16:55:00.003+05:30

Yes, you got it right. I need a Jeeves in my life, not a girl-friend, not a wife, not a room-mate, but a re-incarnation of Jeeves.

There are two maids that barge in every morning. One does the cooking and she is good at it. The problem is, I eat the same food in the morning, lunch and dinner. Then there's the second maid who does the cleaning and washing. Now, she is the tricky one. She won't do anything unless and until she is told. And whenever I try to get hold of her, she doesn't react. All she says is "Bhaya, hum kal kar degi, aap darwazaa band kar legi" and she scoots out of the door even before I can utter a word. And then there's this perennial problem of me having to get-up and instruct maids. Too much effort and pain. Result : Only the floors are clean and nothing else. Everything else is unmoved (even a empty cigarette packet on the bed is un-touched for weeks).
And since both the maids come early morning, it means i cannot leave the house to play tennis/squash. I am not saying that I would be prompt in getting-up in the morning with hangover and I would be straight-away on the tennis court, but who minds having an option. I am just saying.
Then comes the problem of clothes. Yes, the maid washes my clothes regularly. But getting hold of the press-waala to get my clothes ironed is a big pain. Also, my Bagheera needs some cleaning everyday. Getting that done is again a big issue with me running after office-drivers and begging them to clean my car.
And finally who minds getting back home all-drunk to find out hot peeli daal and fresh chapatis served on the table.
You might say that ideally I need a house-servant who is there 24/7 and not a Jeeves. But then we have to dig deeper here. If I have a Jeeves, this is what happens

Above-mentioned problems are solved automatically
I will not have to worry about the ACs, Geysers, RO systems, electrical appliances getting fixed.
I will not have to think about bhindis, torais,baingans, aaloos and tamatars.
Whenever I host a party at my place, there's ice-cubes and cold water in the refrigerator.
I will get fresh coffee every morning
All my bills will be paid.
Very important : My parents won't find the house and my state of affairs at the devils mercy and hence they won't sell the case of marriage to me
Stop looking for more bullet points. Its an endless list of my laziness.

In short, I need a "gentleman's personal gentleman".

Kya aap kisi Jeeves ko jaante hain?
Kya aapke aas-paas koi Jeevs saans le raha hai?
Kya koi Jeeves hai jo kisi ka ghar sanwaar raha ho and he 's looking to shift to greener pastures.

If your answer is in affirmative for any of the above questions, you know what to do.

The grass ain't so green on the other side

2010-04-15T12:41:00.005+05:30

Rant alert !!!!!!

Well, I am into sixth month of the new job. And I have more questions than answers. I had always wanted to shift to Internet-media. And my dream came true with this new job. The profile is good. The product I am responsible for is a big one -Making a famous youth newspaper into a youth-centric news/entertainment portal. A lot of ideation happened. I had so many ideas I wanted to implement. Everything was very challenging and fun. Then came the implementation. And that is when I realized the incompetencies all around. Ninety percent of the people who are supposed to work on the technology are useless. I sometimes wonder whether they are fools or the people who hired them are. Coming from a technology-rich background it gives me pain when I see people giving excuses instead of working on the problems. The office smells of politics and bitching. Sometimes I look around and wonder what am I doing here. Its like you want to run at 100kmph and your team strolls at 10kmph.
I discuss this with my friends and all of them tell me how one should extract the best out of each person even if they are not so competent. But there is nothing good that can be extracted from these morons. Instead your creativity and exuberance goes for a toss.
Even the work-culture ain't at par. The online division is part of a big media-house but it runs in a start-up mode. There are no salary-slips, half a dozen leaves throughout the year, non-existent HR etc.
This job was supposed to be my launching pad in the Internet domain. But that doesn't seem to be happening. What are my options ?

Wait for a year, launch a couple of portals, build my resume, and then say ciao to this job. The problem is will I be able to jhelofy it for another six months?
Start looking for a new job and hope that the new place will better than this. The catch here is that I have only six months of relevant experience. Will I again have to compromise on my compensations?
Don't actively look for a job, but be open to anything that comes along.

I think my dreams to make it big in this industry will have to wait. Methinks we will go with option 3 and play the waiting game. I didn't want to bitch about work but when you want to do so much , but your efforts are minimized due to someone else's inefficiency, all you can do is crib about it.

In other news, I took the Bagheera to the hills. Went for a vacation to Fagu(near shimla) with my best friend and had a great time. The drive in the hills was amazing. And a relaxing vacation was icing on the cake.

One of my best friends from college got married. It was a tarditional Bori Muslim wedding. And I was surprised how similar their customs are to Hindu customs. Also, my friend and his family kept on explaining each and every custom and also the history of Bori Muslims. And the food in the JamaatKhaana was amazing. You have huge plate in the centre with 5-6 people sitting around it. It's called a thaal. The meal is a five course thing , alternating between mithaas(sweet) and kharaas(salty). So the meal started with rabdis and ice-cream and mithaiis. This was followed by kebabs and tandoori dishes. The third course was again sweet with kheer and stuff, followed by dabba ghost and paaya. Just when I thought I was done, the main-course was announced. Amazing experience it was. If you ever get a chance to attend a Muslim wedding and you love non-veg, grab the opportunity with both hands.

Life = Randomness. Q.E.D.

2010-03-06T17:46:00.007+05:30

Proud owner of my Bagheera.

Among other news, I won an iPod nano for the best blog in my company. Also, my boss gave me an iPhone to play with for a month. Sad part is that I am in love with the iPhone which means that I will be tempted to buy one after I have returned the phone. Good part is that I love my job :).

Also, getting a lot of pressure from my family to get married. The problem is that I don't buy this arranged marriage thing. The bigger problem is that I cannot explain this fact to them. So a lot of tension in the air is expected in the coming days.

Over this past few months I have tried to analyze myself. And I realized that I am not good with relationships whether its family or friends. I don't want to be tied down. I want to do a lot of things in my life. With relationships come compromises.

And after being in a relationship, I know that these compromises are worth the effort. These compromises become insignificant in front of the person you love.

But, right now, I don't need that. I don't need anyone to tell me what to do, where to go, what to eat etc. I want to be a free bird. I don't want to lie to my gf/wife that I am in office meeting when the truth is that I am having fun with my friends in a bar. I want to have the freedom to work 16 hours a day without the tension that someone is waiting for me. I have the option to just pack my bag and leave.

I am enjoying the randomness in my life. Anything that falls in a pattern scares me. And relationships bring patterns. They bring expectations. I don't want that. But, will people understand? I doubt that.

But I do want to be the "master of my fate and the captain of my soul"

P.S. - This blog is now more than two years old. Happy birthday blog!!

chalte-phirte

2010-02-11T15:19:00.004+05:30

The reasons I have been away

I have been extremely busy with my work. I have been travelling to places like Kanpur and Lucknow (and yes, I didn't even get enough time to eat Tunde kawab). I am on the phone for more than 3 hours a day. Excel sheets, product specifications, hirings & meetings are the new seasons in my life. Every three days I have to go to the "recieved calls" in my cell and call up all the people who have been trying to call me (and that includes my parents). Busy, but loving every moment of it.
I have been busy managing my bank accounts. Every job shift means new salary account. My idea of going paperless, when it comes to paying my bills, always goes for a toss.
Have been busy reading reviews of cars and talking to dealers . Yes, finally finally finally, I am buying a new car. Time to bid good-bye to my Ferrari/dhanno/Punjab-di-kudi/maruti-800.
have been decently busy with partying on weekends. With all the work and travel, my pending social-engagement list is ever growing. Mere dimaag ke calculations kehte hain ki I need 4 clones of me to finish the current list in a month's time . Tabhi aayega dynamic equilibruium(I so loved this phrase in Chemisty :P) between the length of the list and number of weekends.

But dear readers, I have atleast churned out seven posts in one and half months on my other blog (See last post). And let's be fair. Who wouldn't want a big bumper prize for two months of regular blogging. Secondly, it's fun to give the big-shot editors a run for their money.My blog has been more popular than the top editors. Its not only about good content, but also using social-media to market it. In short, "It's not the age , but the mileage." :P. And thirdly who doesn't enjoy comments on posts. I am getting quite a few of them on that blog. So let me finish these two months of blogging on the company blog, and then me wills be the backs.

Pimping for a cause

2010-01-11T15:25:00.004+05:30

I rarely do it, but once in a while har insaan besharam bann hi jaata hai ya yeh samaaj usse besharam hone pe majboor kar deta hai.

So the thing is, we just launched a blogging site (targeted mainly at the hindi users) where the editors and the users blog on the same platform. Now, my boss asked me to blog on it. I immediately obliged. When my colleagues read my posts and saw the comments, they got excited about blogging.

Next, my boss came up with a competition. She announced that the person with the best blog in the company will get a surprise bumper prize at the end of two months. And the prize, methinks, is an IPhone. I got excited about this competition. Having lost the phone just a week back, I have decided I need to win this competition.

So, since last week I have been pimping my blog and my posts on facebook as well as on twitter. I thought - why not here. Hence, ladies and ledas , kindly take a look at Social Bakwaas. Read through my posts, increase the page views and do leave a comment. In return, you will get to read 3-4 posts. :P

Kripya meri besharmi ko bardaasht karein.

A Journey called 2009 and a Thought called 2010

2009-12-30T14:04:00.005+05:30

OK, before I tell you where I have been since my last post, let me tell you what just happened. I opened my blog to write about 2009 and how I see 2010 is going to shape-up. So this is what followed

Go to the last post of 2008. No year-ending post.
OK, chill. No issues.
Go to first post of 2009 where I must have written about 2008. No posts in January.
Something is wrong.
Go back to 2008 archive. #Fail.
Check 2009. First post is in February.
WTF #$!%&

I had written no post saying good-bye to 2008 or welcoming 2009. What the hell was I doing? Year-ending posts are the easiest ones to do and knowing the fact that I am very lazy in putting up new posts, why didn't I do a new post . Methinks, I was busy partying :P.

Anyway, so after this major disappointment with my blogging habit , the next thought came up in my mind. I made a general observation of all my posts. And there was a striking inference to be drawn. If you read my blog, you can easily judge the amount of effort going into each post : The more the bullet points in the posts, the more lazy I am writing that post, hence less the effort put-in.

And while I was thinking about my writing habit, I couldn't stop but realize that this particular post will be full of bullets. Without further ado, I shoot my bullets :

Do-hazaar-Nau ki kahani goli (bullet) ki zubaani

Early 2009 was full of parties. I was convincing myself that 2009 will be a great year. Things will change. They actually did.
I had my debut on the arranged married front. Thank god it was the last. Will come back to it later.
Lots of road-trips happened. Jaisalmer, Mumbai, Rishikesh (rafting), Jaipur/Ajmer, Gushaini (near Manali), Panchmarhi. Other places visited by chuk-chuk gaadi and Udan Khatolas was Mumbai, Bangalore & Kanpur.
Couple of best friends got married. Implication - fewer people left for drunken revelry.
Met Selene. Implication - Found my soul-mate literally & we are bestest of friends for life.
Found my love for photography.
Got a chance to drive a Fiat 500, and sit at the rear-wheel of a Jaguar XFR.
And finally, my job switch. I cribbed all through the year about how I hate my software job and how I wanted to move to Internet-media. The switch happened in November, and am having the time of my life at the new job. People do question my shift of career and my package, but I really enjoy telling them how wrong they are in questioning my actions. So don't even try.

In all, I loved 2009. The year put my life back on track on got my engine started whether it was the personal or the professional front. And now some more shooting to follow on 2010

Very busy professional life is expected. And I am dying to get neck-deep into work. And it will be a make or break year for my stint in Internet-media.
I hope I get to do some road-trips hopefully to Leh/Ladakh, Kufri/Narkanda etc.
Travel will definitely be on cards.
Marriage will be the toughest deal this year. My parents will be pushing for it big-time. And as days go by, I am getting more and more convinced that marriage might just be overrated. I have stated discussing it with friends as I am seriously thinking of giving it a pass. So lets see where I end-up on the marriage front.

How 2010 turns out is for me to see and for the year to unfold. But, since my birthday is on 20th Oct. (20/10) I have a gut feeling that this is going to the most memorable year of my life. And my gut, my dear readers, rarely disappoints me. :). So stay close to me and you will see a little extra positive energy coming into your life this year.

A very happy new year to you all. My Mantra for 2010 is "party hard, work harder". Cheers

Atthaaees Elaborated

2009-10-27T07:51:00.003+05:30

I had promised in the last post that there would be an elaborate birthday post, so here it is.

We start with a quick run-through of my last year. Last birthday was full of sad memories and missed chances, but it also had hope that the coming year would be better. And it was indeed. 27th year of my life has been great. A few highlights of the year are

A lot of road-trips and vacation . They included desert safari in Jaisalmer, road trip from Delhi to Mumbai, Rishikesh for rafting, Panchmarhi in monsoons and Diwali in the hills near Manali.
My debut match. After that there has been a lull. No more of meeting girls for marriage has happened. And i hope it's not a toofaan ke pehle ki shanti.
Good things happening to people around me from jobs to weddings etc. High points were my best buddy New getting married and another friend clearing his UPSC exam after a long wait.
Me finding a great friend in Selene. We have had blast since the time we met. Khoob saara party and khoob saara fun. And being with her I have improved a lot as a person.
I started my photo-blog. I love photography but haven't been able to give enough time to it. Maybe this year.
Finally, I resigned from my current job and got a job I had been dreaming for the past one year. So no more coding for me. Internet-media here I come.

And so what's for next year? Well, I think next year will be a busy one in terms of career. My job will take the top priority in life. And there are high chances that by next birthday, marriage will be on cards.

Finally, to the birthday celebrations. It started with a few special friends dropping by and me cutting the birthday cake at midnight. As it was a weekday, it was supposed to be a quiet affair. But in the end it turned out to be a riot, with tonnes of jokes, a lot of jhatkas and matkas on bollywood songs of 80s & 90s and a lot of alcohol. This was followed by a big party on Saturday.

I had always wanted to throw a big party at my place. And so I threw a birthday cum job treat on Saturday. Around 20 people dropped-in. I have always maintained a philosphy that "Phoenix ke ghar mein daaru kabhi khatam nahi hoti ". This meant that a lot of whisky, vodka, rum, beer and juices were procured. Food was cooked at home. Bappi-da songs was the music of the night. And what started as a socializing party, with one set of my friends meeting the other set, ended in everyone dancing away to glory on the tadakta-bhadakta music.

A colleague in office told me that "agar tumhe birthday pe khoob saare gifts milne lage toh samajh jao ki tum budhdhe ho rahe ho". According to him mera bhi budhapa aa raha hai as I got loads of gifts which included awesome photographs on magnetic stickers to be put on the fridge, a bottle of JD (wood-woof), decanters for alocohol, a beautiful ash-tray, a key-hanger from happily-unmarried, loads of books which included books like "The warrior queen" with "8 color pages of hot pictures" :), sunglasses, shirts, chocolates etc. In short, it was the party I had always wanted to throw. Loved it.

Atthaaees ho gaya jee

2009-10-20T13:19:00.002+05:30

So we are the turnings 28 todays. Detailed post we wills the do laters. We are havings the best birthday evers with so many of the gifts and so drunken a birthday partees. Very happy the I ams. And I am sures that me wills always compares the following birthdays with this ones.
A very Happy Birthdayed to me. :)
Cheers ... Let the alcohols the flowing and let the parties the continues and let the love the comes

To Selene from Phoenix

2009-10-13T00:01:00.000+05:30

Hi Selene,
This post is just to tell you how important you are in my life. When we first met, we used to get amused with the amount of similarity we shared. Slowly, we realized that we indeed are soul-twins. No two people can be so similar in their thoughts, actions or feelings. We laugh at the the same jokes, we get hurt at same things and we can talk to each other even without uttering a single word. We can talk for hours and hours on the phone and then meet-up and drink till wee hours in the morning, yet our conversations never end. Humari bakar kabhi khatam hi nahi ho sakti.
I have learnt so much from you. I have started enjoying life like there's no tomorrow. You taught me the importance of relationships. You brought back the optimism in my life. The way you go about doing things, or your take on relationships, or your ability to think from your heart are things that I simply admire. I am seriously telling you, "Spiritual Guru" ban jaa(future halogen bulb ki tarah bright hai).
And the small things you do simply make my day : like the conversation that you have every evening with the auto-wallahs near your office or when you say with full-confidence "I am so brilliant that I dazzle me". Whenever I am down, all I have to do is call you and listen to your two minutes, and the ear-to-ear smile is back on my face. In short, in your own words "Abhi tak toh tum saansein le rahe the, jeena toh ab shuru kiya hai".

A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU .

I know for sure the next year will be more fun. There will be many more drunken-revelries , many more night-outs and many more vacations. And we are definitely doing Goa this coming year. I wish for you many more chocolates and ice-creams, many more movies with popcorns, loads and loads of books, silver ear-rings, dresses, dhik-chik dhik-chik dancing parties on bappi-da songs, music-trips listening to coke-studio or sufi songs, many more recipes, phuckas at CR park, beaf-steaks, thousand crates of beer, hangovers and sleepy days in office .....

You will have an awesomest year ,Superstar. I promise.

Tera mujhse Hai Pehle Ka Naata Koi
Yoonhi Nahin Dil Lubhaata Koi
Mera Tujhse Hai Pehle Ka Naata Koi
Yoonhi Nahin Dil Lubhaata Koi

Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na
Maane Tu Ya Maane Na
Tera mujhse Hai Pehle Ka Naata Koi
Yoonhi Nahin Dil Lubhaata Koi

Tu Bhi Rahi Mere Liye
Main Bhi Raha Tere Liye
Pehle Bhi Main Tujhko Baahon Mein Leke
Jhooma Kiya Aur Jhooma Kiya

Dekho Abhi Khona Nahin
Kabhi Juda Hona Nahin
Ab Khel Mein Yoohin Rahenge Hum Dono
Vaada Raha Ye Is Shaam Ka

Updates

2009-10-09T07:50:00.002+05:30

So, the latest in life is that the divorce papers have been filed and finally the marriage is coming to an end. Yes, I got a new job. Its the kind of job I had been looking for the past one year. I had wanted to shift to internet-media and had been religiously following it for more than a year. But due to lack of relevant experience and my technical background, my chances were slim. But this job offer came as a sweet serendipity. A friend of mine called me and told me about a position that was open in his firm. I quickly applied for it. My interview was on a Friday morning and by evening I was offered the job. And since then it's been party all along. I join my new job in November. And so October is officially declared as the party-month. And with birthdays and Diwali coming, its only going to get wilder :).

Another important update is about a person whom I met nine years back. It was my first day in college. I could only see nerds all around me. Everyone was talking about how they cracked the entrance exams or what books they studied and all that crap. My worst fears were coming true. I would be stuck with these people for the next five years. With these fears I went to the hostel mess for the evening snacks. As I was eating, I heard some conversation on the next table which I don't remember anymore. Anyway, there was this guy who was busy pulling everyone's leg. Something about him gave me positive vibes. So I walked to that table and asked the guy ..
Me : "Daaru peete ho?"
He : "Sutta peete ho?"
Me : "Haan"
He : "Hum bhi. Dost?"
Me : "Dost"
We shook hands. Both of us were so relieved to find each other. And so began my friendship with New. And we have been the best of friends since then. We talk once in two weeks. We meet once in 2-3 months. Yet, we are thickest of friends.
In our friend circle New was considered to be the last person to fall in love. But when he did I was the only one not shocked :). Friends called all the way from America to confirm it. Another friend nearly fell on the road when he heard the news. Anyway long story short, New just got married. It was an awesome wedding. We danced our way to glory. We also performed the famous "Naagin" dance in the baraat. We had planned this right in college. I played the "sapera" with my hanky as the "bean", another friend was the " naagin" and the third friend was the "basket". It was fun. I wish him a happy married life.

With New getting married and Rib all set to tie the knot in December, the bachelor side of the river suddenly feels a little lonely :). It feels like its just matter time before I, too, cross the bridge. Until then, its party all night long :P

It just takes a TV channel to kill the patriotism in you

2009-09-01T00:46:00.004+05:30

First day of US open. Its a delight to read that Somedev Devvraman has qualified for the US open main draw. Also, Sania Mirza is playing. I switch on the TV (after knowing from the net that Somedev has won the first set). I see Roger Federer just finishing up his match. My thought - "It's Roger Federer, and the match should be over in 5-10 minutes. Somedev's match should be on any moment". The match ends after 15 minutes, and the next match they beam is Hanescu vs Isner and I am like WHO THE F*** ARE THEY???? I go back to my lappy to cross-check whether Somedev's match is still on. And it is ON. In a few moments, the net tells me that even Sania Mirza's match has started. I switch on my TV again (the optimism in me never dies) and I see Serena Williams playing on center-court.
It's a shame. A national TV-channel like Ten sports gives a f*** about matches concerning Indian players. Where is the censor-board?? What is the broadcasting ministry doing? I AM HURT.

The rains are back for good

2009-08-25T01:46:00.008+05:30

I am updating my blog after such a long time that right now, I feel I have forgotten the basic art of writing. Thanks to Selene, the blog is still alive warna abhi tak blog ka tata-byebye ho jaata. So what have I been up to?

Well, I have started my job-hunt again. I hope, this time is a serious effort. For a change, I have been busy with work too. Last one month has been a busy one after ages. I am also back to my reading habits. I have found a new obsession called twitter. Addictive is a word for it. One of the reasons for the obsession is my laziness to write long posts. Writing 140 words ten times over comes to me more easily than 1400 words at one go.

I have also met a lot of new people in last couple of months. Random meeting with strangers, chit-chat with people whom I don't know in real world, people coming out of online world to be a part of my real world, making friends with people in social gatherings, all of these have been happening. And I am loving every moment of it. It gives me a feeling that I have missed so much in life. I am living it as if there's no tomorrow.

Now coming to the best thing that happened in last one month. A vacation.

So, this vacation was planned a couple of months back. I am one of those people who believes in im-promptu plans. And I do so because most of the plans I have made have never happened. So when Selene made the plan I was always apprehensive that something or the other will happen and we won't be able to make the trip. But thanks to her, we got the train as well as the hotel reservations on time (given that there was a rush due to Janamashtmi and Independence Day).

We partied all night before the trip. From beer to whisky to vodka to babushka shots ( I am notorioulsy famous for that, so beware) to dancing , everything happened that night. Selene's friend from Mumbai had come over and we said good-bye by getting her all drunk :).

The next day Selene, Dimples and me started the journey with beer at noon before getting in the cab. The moment we got in the train, the only thing in our mind was - how to mix the vodka in Mirinda. We were so desperate that I put the vodka bottle in a hand-bag ( a ladies hand-bag) and nearly carried it to the toilet. But sensibility prevailed warna aap kripya scene imagine karein - Ek jawaan ladka with mysterious look on his face going to the toilet with a hand-bag, a ladies hand-bag. Our star, Selene, took the initiative and we could finally manage to drink the sacred drink. We reached the place at 5 in the morning and this is what happened in the next two and half days

- We had to wait for 5 hours before we got our room. And Selene already in her elements, never let us feel bored for a moment.

- The room was beautiful with an amazing view. It was raining all the time.

- Once in the room, yours truly got into action with dhin-chak music playing and the "botal-kholing-daaru-pouring" ritual.

- Setting was done with the cook for un-interrupted supply of food even though the kitchen was closed.

- A 12 hour-daaru session with chit-chat, games and more chit-chat.

- Truth or dare playing, where initially I took the centre-stage with the right questions

- A realization during the game to not underestimate and take punga with the married of the species .( Both the ladies came up with such question, that I had to duck for cover)

- A trip to the waterfall, the next day. What an amazing experience it is to stand right in the middle of waterfall.

- More of daaru-session, followed by naach and stage performances which I shouldn't be elaborating here. Kindly ask Selene for the details because humein toh "shy has come".

- Serious discussions ranging from relationships to faith and religion to Dimples coming up with amazing one-liners without being aware of it to naam-karan of my daughter as "Tippani". Yes, dear readers , my hone-waali daughter has officially been named "Tippani" because I always have a "Tippani" on every subject.

- Another long chit-chat session at the front porch of the hotel the next day as our train was at eight in the evening and we got kicked-out of our room at noon. It was like our second home as we had spent 11 hours of the vacation there.

- The return journey included aloo-parantha in the train, irritatingly noisy fellow-passengers and memories of an amazing vacation.

In one of the posts last year, I had written " I hate the rains". Ladies and ledas let me officially announce that the rains are back. I love them like I have always loved them. The place for the vacation was decided on the fact that we would go only where there's non-stop rains. And we were not disappointed. Beautiful place, awesome company of two hot friends , infinite fun and unforgettable memories is how I will describe the vacation. I will leave you with some pictures of our vacation.

Selene Speaks...

2009-07-28T22:25:00.001+05:30

There is no reason for this post.

Except that it’s the Phoenix’s blog. Who happens to be my best friend.

Who also happens to be a lazy ass. So if he’s not updating, I will!

And really, since he has honoured me with the name of a Greek goddess (no less!), the least I can do is try and sell him off.

Yeah, in exchange for all that love and good times he’s showered upon me, its time to return the favour, as he has firmly put “Find a girlfriend” as my top responsibility in the roster of friendship.

So here goes. It’s a simple auction ladies. We’re simple people, so we say it as it is.
We will get the Phoenix Boy on stage and you can take a good look. We start bidding, and you can raise your hand and quickly sum up your profile. Since the time’s less and takers many, without further ado, lets get this going! What do you mean why? Up for grabs this lovely guy, I ASSURE you is a catch!

Here comes the Star…

WAIT A SECOND.

No cat calls please. It distresses him.

Why you ask?? Oh, he’s a shy sort of a guy. He doesn’t mind making them calls though, he’s nice like that.

And you, Maam, leave that t-shirt alone. He’s not taking it off.

Are you guys even serious?? Lets get on with it then.

Silenceeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Ok…what do we have here?? You there in the right corner…..ya the pretty one! Wait a minute, how old are you again?? No darling, 18 year olds are not allowed….no less than 25, do you here me?? We’re not in to cradle snatching.
Aah I see another hand, yes maam…you right there in the front?? Wait a minute, how old are you? 35? Aah, that holds promise…yes yes, the older woman fantasy and all that…wait …you said therapy sessions? He has to help deal with emo issues?? Err…you can check back later…we’re not entertaining emo at this point…

Who else…you yes you maam, in the pink halter…what do you mean an hour?? No lady, you can’t decide after…good lord, what’s with women these days!

And what does the one behind you have to say? A threesome? Err…no thanks. Not quite what we had in mind…

Come on, I need more hands…aah you there, you hold promise. And hot too. Yes, yes, nice smile….going…going…wait a second. What do you mean married? Sorry milady, married women are OUT. You don’t even qualify.
No maam, not even if you’re splitting. The HORROR!

And the one next to you, yes you right there in the black backless top…ugh ….no sister, your hair’s too short. …Hey don’t kill me. If you want to hear the truth, it’s the sight of all that hair on your back….and cover up the butt crack while we’re at it. Ugh.

Yes you, the red haired chick. You look promising….why’re you weeping? On the rebound eh? Deal with it and THEN come back. Women I tell you!

Is there no one there?? You Sir? What are you doing here? Marriage prospects? I am sorry but he’s straight…oh for your daughter you say? No Sir we’re just looking for a girl friend….what do you mean his bank balance? We’re not even answering that question. Get the GIRL here!

Sigh. Where are the women? You lady, yes? What? Are you serious? No he’s not going to give you a credit card, get the hell out of here. I am sorry if we didn’t advertise properly….we’re not selling off a SUGAR DADDY here!

Ummm…the last one…one at the back, yes you. Come closer…we want a better look too. Ahan, here’s something now. Nice hair, check. Long earrirngs too…we like where this is going….wait a minute…you want him to do what? Go on a date where your ex dines with his new chick to make him jealous? Are you even for real?? Out!

What now? NO, not even in exchange for a kiss, you hear me? OUT!

And you lady, I TOLD YOU. LET. GO. OF THE T-SHIRT! I said he’s NOT TAKING IT OFF.

Hmmph. So many women, and the right one’s out of stock. Sigh.

Never mind, the lad is too precious to give off to anyone, so I am keeping him till then!

Ta!

Time of my life

2009-06-23T22:17:00.002+05:30

Okay, if you have been following my blog you will notice two things

- The frequency of posts (or the lack of it) is still the same.

- And last few of them have been all fun posts.

The second point is so because I am having the time of my life. I AM HAPPY. And that, in a way, also explains the first point. I am so busy enjoying my life that I don't have the time to post.

The obvious question that will come to you mind is "Bhai aisa kya ho gaya?"

The answer to that is :-

- My life is full of parties. And by parties I don't mean the typical boozing and clubbing effect. Its just that I am happy socializing with so many people that I feel, sometimes, that I have a life. Whenever I have to tell anyone that I won't be able to make it for lunch/dinner, I feel happy that I have the option to say "No". Life being busy is fun!!!

- My friends are back in life. Suddenly the pieces are falling into place. All I can say is, its like "Rock-On" happening in my life.

- Good things are happening to people around me this year as against to last. People are getting married, falling in love, getting out of a bad relationships, getting new jobs, getting though UPSC after three years of struggle, returning from wilderness with a new vigour, etc.

- I know what I want to do in life. Now, at least, there's a method to the madness.

- made new friends through this blog.

- And the most important reason. Finding a friend like Selene. One word for her is "Awesome". She says it best when she says " Abhi tak toh tum saansein le rahe the, jeena toh ab shuru kiya hai". And its so true. I have, indeed, re-discovered myself , thanks to her. The humour is back, and so is the infectious energy that I used to have.

In short,

I’ve been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something
I could believe in
And looking for that
Magic rainbow
On the horizon
I couldn’t see it
Until I let go
Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn
Now I’m coming alive
Body and soul
And feelin’ my world start to turn

And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time
To be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life

- David cook

Sound of music ...

2009-06-23T04:43:00.003+05:30

... is the reason why I am blogging at 5 in the morning. There are songs that give you goose-bumps, songs that completely hog your senses, songs that leave you in a trance.

I am a big admirer of "Madhushala" by Harivansh Rai Bachchan. I heard Manna Dey sing it while I was in college. I was immediately a fan of the song. But few months back I heard this, and Madhushala was never the same. I don't know whether it's Big B's voice or the music, but every time I listen to it, it takes me to another world.

Now, why am I blogging at this hour. Well, couple of days back, Nomad introduced me to this. I love sufi songs. But, somehow this was different. This song took me to some other level. I came back from office, opened up a beer, put my headphones and played this song. The idea was to relax and unwind. It ended up very differently. I have been listening to this song for 5-6 hours now and I am in a trance. There's so much peace and tranquility deep inside me that it cannot be explained in words. I have been sharing this song with anybody whom I see online. I had to share it here. Listen to it and fall in love with the power of music.

jo naa jaane haq ki taaqat,

rab naa deve usko himmat.

Hum mann ki dariyaa mein dooobe,

kaisi naiiyya , kya manjhdhaar.

Bas karee oh yaar, ilmu

bas karee oh yaar

Aik alif tere darkaar

bas karee oh yaar

"Say cheese" - Click -"Thank you"

2009-06-12T00:53:00.004+05:30

I love photography. But I am not a serious photographer. I love to click emotions, moments, graffiti, nature etc. The best way to describe my camera-skills is to relate it to a Dhoni style of batting. Its not copybook, its not orthodox, but yes it wins you matches. Every time someone loves the photos that I click, its like I have won a match.

I love to click

Close-up of people when they are totally unaware of the camera. Believe me, these unexpected clicks come out to be the best. And to blow my own trumpet, I think I time them well (its like the hand-eye co-ordination of Sehwag)
Truck-graffiti. They are my favourite. Every time I am on the highway, I am ready with the camera to catch a funny one written at the back of the truck.
Dhaba-graffiti. Be it the entire menu written on the wall or a misspelled instruction/ad , all of it has to be captured
Number-plates . Yeah, everyone has a weird streak in them. Mine is clicking number-plates of vehicles of different states or some interesting combination of numbers on the plates.
Birds - The first photo that I clicked with my camera was of some bird. Since that day I have been clicking photos of birds. But its not like clicking photos of rare birds. I like to capture birds like sparrows, crows or pigeons but with an interesting setting. This has now extended to cats and dogs.
Nature. Just like the whole of India knows how to play cricket, similarly every photographer likes to click beautiful sceneries and landscapes of snow-capped peaks, beaches,deserts etc. I am no exception. I do that form time to time.

You may say after reading this - " Okay, we get the picture. Point being?" Well, I will answer that question with another analogy from cricket (after all its cricket everywhere). What use is a cricketer if he hits sixes and fours in his backyard? The fun is in playing on a cricket ground with spectators watching you hit every ball. So, without much ado, ladies and ledas I present to you my photo-blog.

And that takes away the anonymity of The White Phoenix but I think I am okay with. :)

Edited to add: I am still trying to figure out my way through wordpress. Seems it will take a while to get the hang of it. Till thgen bear with me.

Tees naak-adaauu sawaal

2009-06-03T12:26:00.004+05:30

I had been planning a post for quite sometime, but something or the other happened. Saw this and thought what better way to get away with the having-blog-not-posting guilt. So here are the 30 "nosey" questions.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? " Why is the mirror different today? Oops I am not at my place"

2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now? Rs. 2732. Oh yes, I am a filthy rich s/w engineer. Hehaw

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? Jungle ka Mor

4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? My OH(see previous post for details). Just cannot live without me

5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? The opening credits from sholay.

6. What are you wearing right now? Let's see. A black striped shirt. Blue Jeans. Ek upar waala jockey aur ek neeche waala jockey. Bathroom slippers (yes i am in office). A watch.

7. Do you label yourself? As a lazybone (Mind you, I also take it as a compliment if anyone labels me that)

8. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently own? ID

9.Bright or Dark Room? Yellow room.

10. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? She is a Super-star and my best friend.

11. What does your watch look like? Its a Citizen with a black dial. My ex gifted it. And I like it so much that I cannot throw it. Selfish me :P

12. What were you doing at midnight last night? Drinking beer. Participating in an interesting discussion on print journalism.

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? “Dear customer, Please do not share your ATM pin and IPin with anyone ..... HDFC-Bank” Wtf. Why would I? Do they think ki mere forehead pe likha hua hai !@#$%^

14. What’s a word that you say a lot? Awesome

15. Who told you he/she loved you last?(please exclude spouse , family, children) The famous mosquito of my cubicle. People on my Facebook list would believe me on this

16. Last furry thing you touched? A cat at my friend's place.

17. Favourite age you have been so far? Present. Definitely

18. What was the last thing you said to someone? “Chalo, let's go catch some fresh air”. Smoking is what I meant of course

19.The last song you listened to? If I were a carpenter. Johnny Cash and Juen Carter

20. Where did you live in 1987? Dhanbad, India

21. Are you jealous of anyone? Anyone who is driving an Audi Q7 or a VW Tourag

22. Is anyone jealous of you? People in general are jealous about me working two hours a day yet getting paid.

23. Name three things that you have on you at all times? Wallet, mobile and watch

24. What’s your favourite town/city? None as of now.

25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? 2005 I think.

26. Can you change the oil on a car? I don't think so.

27. Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? That she was having a party on her Birthday.

28. Does anything hurt on your body right now? My head . Either its the hangover or its the mundane job.

29.What is your current desktop picture? A beautiful photograph (which I clicked) of a bird with the sea in the background

30. Have you been burnt by love? In a way , yes. I had fun on that side of the town too.:P

Who ever takes this tag, do inform me. After all every one likes to be "nosey" from time to time ;)

My Married Life

2009-04-29T12:20:00.006+05:30

Yes, It will be 3 years on 3rd of July. And what a journey it has been. A sinusoidal waveform I would say. I write this post because I feel that it won't last long. And my Other Half(OH) knows it too. Its just that OH wants to live in denial.

Here are some random conversation which should give you a fair idea of our relationship.

Converstaion 1

OH : You are not spending enough time with me
Me : Yes, I was busy all of last week with work.
OH : I am not talking about last week. I am talking about last three months
Me : You cannot blame me. I don't find the marriage interesting anymore.
OH : Is there something going on in your personal life
Me : What has personal life got to do with marriage. And for the record nothing is going on.
OH : you can tell me you know.
Me : (exasperated) No there's nothing going on. I will try to spend more time.

*****************************************************
Conversation 2

Me : I won't be home on Monday
OH : Okay.
(and just when I am about to leave)
OH : Why , may I ask?
Me : I am going to Bangalore.
OH : (with a resigned look and fearing a new love interest in my life) Why?
Me : Cousin's marriage.
OH : (sigh of relief) Okay.
This was followed by normal quizzical questions like when is the marriage, when is my flight etc.

*****************************************************

I was having a chat with Selene (see you got your nick on the blog) the other day on the phone. FYI - Selene is my relationship advisor and knows everything that goes between OH and me

Me : I am not on talking terms with OH.
S : kya hua?
Me : Kuch nahi. OH said some things which did not feel right.
S : So did you discuss with OH
Me : No, we are royally ignoring each-other.

20 minutes later I sms Selene
Me : OH just asked me to have lunch together.
S : Are you going?
Me : Have to. But I am not liking the idea. Humara jhagdha khatam ho jaayega.
S : Kyun?
Me : You know we always end-up patching up over the lunch.
S : Free mein mat maan jaana. maang le jo bhi maangna hai.
Me : You know me. Dil humara bahut jaldi gir jaata hai daffatan. Hum fisal jaayenge like always.

And my dear readers that is what happened after 40 minutes of lunch :)

********************************************************

And here's another one. Again on the phone with Selene
Me : I am just tired of this marriage.
S : Ab kya hua?
Me : OH is pressurizing me again for the "issue" thing.
S : Toh problem kya hai?
Me : I don't want it now. And knowing that we will soon part ways , it's just not right.
Me : I am thinking of getting vasectomy done. Na rahega baans na bajegi bansoori.
S : That's not right. Why don't you file for a divorce. Go for a mutual and agreeable seperation
Me : That's not happening. I cannot go for a divorce unless I find someone else. You know about the pressures of family and society.
S : Hmmm. And why can't you find greener pastures
Me : The time is not right. And to look for a comaptible relationship is not easy these days.

And its not that I am hiding anything from OH. I have already informed OH that I will move on from this marriage whenever I get into a relationship where my heart is. Till then , both of us are leading a life of convinience. I am living with a hope to find the greener pastures and OH with a hope that things will change and I will never leave.

But truth be told, I do miss my Other Half (i.e. my boss at office) whenever he is on a leave. I am sure I won't have a better boss, but ist just that my hatred for my job sometimes affects my relationship with my "Other Half". :P

I dedicate this poem by Sunil Jogi to my "Other Half"

mushkil hai apna mail priye,
ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

tum MA 1st division ho, main hua matric phel priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

tum fauji afsar ki beti, main to kisaan ka beta hoon,
tum rabadi kheer malai ho, main to sookha sapreta hoon,
tum AC ghar mein rehti ho, main ped ke neeche leta hoon,
tum nayi maruti lagti ho, main scooter lambreta hoon,
is kadar agar hum chup-chup kar aapas me prem badhayenge,
to ek roz tere daddy Amrish Puri ban jaaenge,
sab haddi pasli tod mujhe bhijwaa denge vo jail priye,
mushkil hai apna mail priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

tum arab desh kee ghodi ho, main hoon gadahe ki naal priye,
tum deewali ka bonus ho, main bhookho ki hadtaal priye,
tum heere jadi tashtari ho, main aluminium ka thaal priye,
tum chicken-soop biryani ho, main kankad waali daal priye,
tum hiran-chaokadi bharti ho, main hoon kachhue ki chaal priye,
tum chandan-wan ki lakdi ho, main hoon babool ki chhaal priye,
main pake aam sa latka hoon, mat maaro mujhe gulel priye,
mushkil hai apna mail priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

main shani-dev jaisa kuroop, tum komal kanchan kaya ho,
main tan-se man-se Kanshi Ram, tum maha chanchala maya ho,
tum nirmal paawan ganga ho, main jalta hua patanga hoon,
tum raaj ghaat ka shanti march, main hindu-muslim danga hoon,
tum ho poonam ka taajmahal, main kaali gufa ajanta ki,
tum ho vardaan vidhata ka, main galti hoon bhagvanta ki,
tum jet vimaan ki shobha ho, main bus ki thelam-thel priye,
mushkil hai apna mail priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

tum nai videshi mixie ho, main patthar ka silbatta hoon,
tum AK-saintalis jaisi, main to bas desi katta hoon,
tum chatur Rabadi Devi si, main bhola-bhala Lalu hoon,
tum mukt sherni jungle ki, main chidiyaghar ka bhaalu hoon,
tum vyast Sonia Gandhi si, main V.P.Singh sa khali hoon,
tum hansi Madhuri Dixit ki, main policeman ki gaali hoon,
kal jail agar ho jaaye to dilwa dena tum bail priye,
mushkil hai apna mail priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

main dhabe ke dhaanche sa hun, tum paanch sitara hotel ho,
main mahue ka desi tharra, tum red-label ki botal ho,
tum chitra-haar ka madhur geet, main krishi-darshan ki jhaadi hoon,
tum vishva-sundari si kamaal, main theliya chaap kabadi hoon,
tum sony ka mobile ho, main telephone waala chonga,
tum machhli maansarovar ki, main hun saagar tat ka ghongha,
dus manzil se gir jaaooga, mat aage mujhe dhakel priye,
mushkil hai apna mail priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,

tum satta ki maharani ho, main vipaksha ki lachaari hoon,
tum ho mamta-Jailalita si, main kwara Atal-Bihari hoon,
tum Tendulkar ka shatak priye, main follow on ki paari hoon,
tum getz, matiz, corolla ho main Leyland ki lorry hoon,
mujhko refree hi rehne do, mat khelo mujhse khel priye,
mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye,
main soch raha ki rahe hain kabse, shrota mujhko jhel priye,
mushkil hai apna mail priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye

Ten ten-a-ten ten

2009-04-02T15:18:00.002+05:30

Chandu tagged me for this. I generally skip tags but since I am so busy in office today, I had to do it. :(

is the packet of cigarettes I smoke everyday. :P
is the AM I go to sleep every night. I have one more on this. 2 is the number of hours I work in office.
is the number of years I will complete in my first job in July. Koi bachaa lo. looks left,then right and then drowns in shame
is the number of chocolates that have been cut from Chandu's quota of chocolates for making a lazybone like me do the tag.
is the maximum number of push-ups, I think, I can do. Its also the number of games that I can play very well.(Cricket,basketball,volleyball,badminton, dumb-charades) sings "collar ko thoda upar utha ke"
is the number of drinks(read whisky) till which I can guarantee 100% sobriety.
is the average number of cups of coffee I generally drink everyday. Believe me, it took a lot of calculation to come to this figure.
are the number of years left for me to open up my dream restaurant.
is the number of Asterix&Obelix I need to buy to complete the set. Peoples kya aap suntee. Mere ko gift kartee, main aapko return gift me chocolates/ice-creams/brownies detee.
is number of different types of single-malt whisky I want to keep in my bar.

Now my turn to play the devil. I tag everyone who has ever left a comment on my blog or is reading this particular post. If you don't do this tag then you will be hit by the following curse:

"Thou shalt never enjoy a drink
Thou wilt never enjoy ghar ka khana
Thou shalt hate books & comics
Thous shall hate movies."

So dare you skip this tag !!!

The Great Experiment

2009-03-23T21:12:00.004+05:30

Well, we were having a party at my place. And we were playing song-request game. The game was that everyone takes turn to play a song which he/she hasn't heard in ages and is a favorite.

So my friend's sister wanted to play a song that she couldn't remember. All she remembered was that the song featured Smita Patil in a yellow frock along with Sanjeev Kumar and some other "side"-y hero. Everyone wracked their brains but nothing came up. Finally, yours truly picked up the laptop and this is what happened.

Aim of the Experiment : Find the song

Information given : Smita Patil - yellow frock - Sanjeev Kumar

Apparatus used : Internet

Experiment and Observations :

   1. Ask google "smita patil yellow frock sanjeev kumar"
   - ABORT
  2. Ask google "Smita patil sanjeev kumar movies"
   - ABORT
  3. Go to IMDB - search for smita patil - go through her movies and see cast
   - Too many movies - ABORT
  4. Ask youtube "smita patil yellow frock"
   - ABORT ( you don't want to know the kind of results that came up)
  5. Ask youtube "smita patil sanjeev kumar"
   BINGO - "Baton mein na talo jee... dil de dalo jee"

Time taken : time taken to cook Maggie

Inference : And that's why I want to make a career out of internet-media

Q.E.D.

P.S. - Do you have any songs in your mind that you want to search and you have insufficient information about ? Contact The White Phoenix :)

Confessions of a guilty-mind

2009-03-04T15:06:00.004+05:30

After getting heavy traffic on my blog due to this and also this, the responsible blogizen in me has woken up and I have got a confession to make. Yes, I am looking for a girl-friend/wife. But I must tell my readers that I am already dating a girl. Her name is Alcy . She is so awesome that I cannot live without her. And I don't intend to dump her even if I find my perfect mate. She is every man's dream. And I have a duty to tell you all why she is so irresistible and awesome . Here it is.

You won't miss her ever because she is always
around
She really doesn't burn a hole in your
wallet. NoBarista No gifts. Happy with masala-papad, peanut-masala and Haldiram bhujia. In short, total low-maintenance.
The dresses she wears will bowl you over any day. And when you are with her she prefers see-throughs. Imagine!!!!!!
She will never ever complain about your choice of music. In fact
whenever you are with her, she prefers that your favourite numbers are
being played.
She is there for you when you are
happy, sad, celebrating, tired, exhausted.
She doesn't
complain when you are glued on to the TV watching some sports. On the
contrary she prefers being with you by your side and enjoying every
moment.
She takes care of you, makes you eat and
drink a lot after an intense love-making session. A word of caution
here - if you dare not to listen to her, you will definitely end up with
a heavy head in the morning.
She gels-in well with
your friends. In fact all your male friends become her fan right in the
first meeting.
She is not the jealous or possessive
kind. She is okay you if you have a fling at her sisters once in a
while but if you two-time her with her sisters , its you who gets
screwed.
The love is pure. She never cares about
your bank-balance or your social status
If you
smoke,
she won't make you quit it.In fact she loves the smoky environment when
you two cozy-up.
One of the best kissers. She
gives you a new high every time she kisses you.

Without further ado I introduce to you to my "oh so perfect" girlfriend - the hot, the sexy, the sizzling beauty Miss Alcy , aka Miss Alcohol aka Miss booze aka apni Daaru Darling.

Alcyeeeeeeeeeeeee AAYEEEE LAV EWWWWW
*Runs towards her Hindi-movie style in slow-motion with arms-spread, gleam in the eyes, mouth open etc etc.... *

Ladies and ledas !! We announce the all new recipe of the day

2009-02-26T16:35:00.000+05:30

Seeing the awful food at the lunch table today ...

ME : What a nutritious lunch
MANAGER1 : What a colorful lunch
MANAGER2 : Especially the "psychedelic green" chutney

.. silence ... contemplation in the air .. when suddenly

ME : Do we have a dish which is blue in color

.... wracking of brains ...

M1 : Baingan ki sabzee if you don't peel the chilka
ME : naah
M2 : Baingan is purple ... psychedelic purple

..... we wonder what's with M2 and psychedelia

M1 : I am sure French cuisine must be having something blue

.. a pause ... nodding of heads in agreement

M2 : Or Japanese ... their food is full of colors.
ME : (to myself) Thank God he didn't say "full of psychedelic colors"

.... a little more wracking of brains

ME : I want to make Blue rice/biryani/pulao. How do you make a blue rice without adding color.

.... The imaginary "psychedelic red" buzzer-bulb on M2's head blinks. We stare at M2

ME2 : That's easy!!! Beat the rice.
ME : Voila!!!
Since rice doesn't have eyes, so after we beat it, it won't turn black & blue.
We have successfully invented the "beaten-up blue rice".

Fhalsafa

2009-02-18T02:04:00.000+05:30

I had to put this one here...

Friend's status message on facebook
- "jo guzar jaati hai bas uspe guzar karte hain"

(a line from an awesome song where the lyrics goes like ...
raah pe rahate hai, yaadon pe basar karate hai
khush raho yehale watan hum to safar karate hai
jal gaye jo dhoonp mein to saayaa ho gaye
aasamaan kaa koee konaa, thodaa so gaye
jo gujar jaatee hain bas us pe gujar karate hai)

Reply from another friend
- "Iss baat mein se agar fhalsafa(philosphy) hata diya jai.... toh usko geedhh(eagle) kee aatmakatha bhi bola jaa sakta hai"

Debut "Match"

2009-02-15T16:41:00.000+05:30

Its been a long long time since I put up a post. Many things have happened in these two months. To start with is the whole process of arranged marriage. Yes, you heard it right!!!

Life never stops from springing up new surprises. Today, I met a girl for an informal chit-chat - one of those those things when the guy and the girl meet-up and try to find out whether they can be a prospective match for life or not. And the best part about the whole thing is 15th Feb 2008 I was to get married to White, and 15th Feb 2009 is the day when I start meeting girls for marriage. How more ironical can life get.

Someone once asked me whether I believe in the concept of "arranged-marriage" or not. And all I could do was laugh at it. Yes, there was a time when I found the whole concept, rather stupid. But you never know what's coming next. The year started with my parents asking me whether they should start looking for a girl or not. And I had no reasons to say no. This is how the situation is :

- I am from a family where nobody has gone for a love-marriage. I was turning out to be an exception but that didn't happen. It's not that my family is against love-marriage but they would prefer an arranged-marriage anyday.

- People ask "what's the hurry - Wait till you find the right girl". I , being all logical and stuff, gave it a serious thought. And this is what I realised. To wait for the right girl, you must meet one. But for that to happen you should have a social-life where you meet a lot of new people and if you are lucky you will meet your match. But my social life isn't like that. There are no girls in office so you rule out office-romance( unless I do change my job :) ). In my circle of friends people are either married,committed or are meeting prospective grooms. My circle of friends is also not so big that new people keep coming in. And above all, let's suppose that I do meet a girl - Am I ready to fall into love? I don't think so. Its not that I haven't been able to put White out of my life. The thing is I am kind of exhausted from my last relationship to get into a new one.

- And the third things is my friend Rib getting engaged. He went for arranged-marriage. He met a couple of girls and then found one to be nice and compatible. The parents met. They were happy. Rib and the girl Dit are going through a courtship-period and now they are so much into love that no one can say that their marriage is an arranged one. I know things cannot be as rosy for everyone but at least there's hope. I always used to say that arranged-marriage is like a game of probability where the chances of winning is 50%. But isn't that true for love-marriage. You are in love with a girl but when you start your married life, it might be totally different. At least in arranged-marriage if you are on the losing 50% side you can make an extra effort to compromise and reduce the damage. Stupid logic,I know, but these things are just to convince myself.

So, the search has started and I scored my first runs today and after today's day of play I am still not "bowled-out". The meeting was interesting. The tiny little creatures that you see in the garden, sitting on flowers were hovering around in my stomach before meeting the girl. It was just like a debutante facing his first delivery in cricket. After middling a few balls ( read a few minutes of chatting) I grew in confidence. We talked for two hours. And thankfully it was not like the question-answer sessions where you ask about hobbies, music, food etc. We generally talked. It was an okay chit-chat but somehow I didn't find .. umm how do i say ..well in terms of physics it wasn't a constructive interference ( in simple words it wasn't a harmony). Later on my parents asked me about my meeting and I had a real tough time explaining to them that even though the girl was nice, she isn't what I am looking for. For all of you who haven't gone through the process let me tell you this is the tough part where you got to explain to your parents why you didn't like the girl/boy. But thats's not it. The toughest part is saying "No". I find it real hard to say no to people even for small things in life. How do you say no to a girl or her parents. I really feel bad for the girl. This is cruel. You meet a guy and later on the guy says no. I am sure that doesn't leave you with the happiest of feelings. Maybe, that's how things happen on this side of the fence. I feel like saying sorry for saying "no". :(

Anyway, let's see what else life has in store and what new lessons it teaches me.

Among other things, 2009 is turning out to be a decent year. I am doing a lot of road-trips. My first trip was to Jaisalmer. We did 940 kms in eleven and half hours!!! What a drive it was through the desert. Next, we did a road-trip from Delhi to Mumbai in a Scorpio. Two of my friends flew from Mumbai to just be a part of the road-trip. We started on a Saturday and reached Udaipur the same night. Interesting thing was the hotel we stayed-in was the same one which was used in MTV roadies :P. Anyway we reached Mumbai on Sunday night.

Whenever I go to Mumbai there is a long list of people whom I have to meet. This time my flight back to Delhi was on Monday evening. So it was not possible to meet everyone. And if I am in Mumbai and I am not meeting my favourite e-friend Moo, I know I am dead. So met Moo on Monday, we went to Strand book fair where I bought lots and lots of books and a few Asterix & Obelix at discounted price. Such book fairs are so enticing that the best way to describe my feeling is -orgasmic. And if your partner in crime is someone as well read as Moo you are in for a treat. Next, Moo treated me with some awesome steaks in Colaba. This was our second meeting, but every time you meet this girl its like you have been knowing each-other for ages. No initial long-pauses, no looking at plates o playing with straws. Straight away you are into a deep conversation on a topic as weird as " have you listened to this ring tone where this Aunty is cursing a hair-dresser ...... @##$%% " . I had a lovely time with Moo. People, if you really want a de-stressing lunch full of weird conversations where you laugh your lungs out, catch hold of her.

Anyway, my next trip was to Jaipur for Rib's engagement. This was followed by a trip to Jim-Corbett where we, obviously, didn't spot a tiger on jungle safari.

Job-hunt is still on. Looks like my passion for Internet -media will have to wait till these troubled times are over.

Other updates some other time.

P.S - I am planning to start a photo-blog. I hope I don't take as much time in starting it as I do in updating this blog. This blog won't be with this anon id.

Till then, today's song is from the movie Fiddler on the Roof :)

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,

Make me a match,

Find me a find,

catch me a catch

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

Look through your book,

And make me a perfect match

You should control your drinking when ...

2008-12-18T02:56:00.000+05:30

... your maid warns you against it.

So this is how it happened.

I came back home pretty much wasted one night( or was it twilight?). I keep my front-door open so that my maid doesn't have to take pains to ring the bell for hours and I don't have to get out of my cozy bed to open the door. Anyway, I digress. So, she comes in and she finds me sleeping on my bed with the ash-tray on my chest and can you believe it - a cigarette in my mouth. A cigartette in you mouth while you are sleeping - How stupid can you get???????
She said a lot of things and I had no idea what she was saying as I was dying to complete my last-ball-bowling-hero-cricket-dream.
So, the next day she comes in and the only thing she says is " Bhaiya, bahut ho gaya, ab aap aisa karoge toh hum aapke Mummy ko bol denga". Here she was giving her last Italian-mafia style warning.
Now, readers, kindly note before reading the consequence of this event :
- Before this incident, I was pretty much sure that my maid was happy because she comes everyday to a flat who's owner is drunk asleep and doesn't care whether his maid cleans the house everyday or not. Also, she gets to sell so many bottles of beer and whisky everyday. But after the " sleeping yourself to glory with a cigg. in mouth" episode I came to know how much she was concerned and disappointed about my state of affairs.
- I also knew that she would never be able to tell my mom as they come to visit me once or twice a year and also she is not the kind who would take pleasure in telling a mother what her son is up to.

Whether it was my maid's concern for me or my realization of the stupidity to create a big accident or my being fed-up of drinking or me realising the ill-effects of drinking, the result is that I have had alcohol only once in 8 days. Also, I have been washing my drinking glasses myself just to make sure that my maid doesn't find out that I was drinking again.

For now, I just hope that I get back to my normal-social-drinking ways. Cheers to that!!!
And for a change I so don't want to sing

Last time I was sober, man I felt bad

Worst hangover that I ever had

It took six hamburgers and scotch all night

Nicotine for breakfast just to put me right

cos if you wanna run cool

If you wanna run cool

you got to run

On heavy, heavy fuel

Times they are a changing

2008-12-09T22:59:00.000+05:30

Every time I write I "try" to be grammatically correct and coherent. And every time I want to write I keep in mind that people are reading( at least in the recent past). But as someone had said "I will love it if you write for yourself and not for others to read", so today I write for myself.

7Th Dec 2007, was the first time when I knew that my life with White was never going to culminate into marriage. After that I saw

- me breaking up with White

- seven very close people breaking-up

- my senior in college, my mentor and one of my best friends fighting for his relationship and in the life that he believes in

- me realising my true calling in terms of career and getting a job which goes on hold because of recession

- and many more things which I want to forget

That was 2008 in short. I was counting on the number of days left in 2008. And then happened 8th Dec 2008. I was one of the three witnesses to a love-marriage of one of my friends. Something good has finally happened in my life. And now I want to believe that my time has changed. Now I want to believe that whomsoever I touch won't be jinxed.

I have nearly been drinking all through the year. I am nearly an alcoholic and nearly a chain-smoker. Now is the time for me to change. I know whatever I have wished in life has not come true but somehow my gut-feeling says that things will change henceforth. This time I won't fail.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

P.S. - All you people reading this - stick with me because everyone around me will have a golden luck this year - and that's my gut-feeling and and at least my gut has never failed me.

Come gather round people wherever you roam

And admit that the waters around you have grown

And accept it that soon youll be drenched to the bone

If your time to you is worth saving

Then youd better start swimming or youll sink like a stone

For the times, they are a changing

- Bob Dylan

27 Down, A Lot More to Go

2008-10-19T17:38:00.001+05:30

So tomorrow I celebrate my birthday. And by celebrate I mean drink, drink and then drink some more. I wanted to throw a big-big party. The idea was to throw a party to all my friends and friend-of-friends here in Delhi for one last time. More about the party later in the post. First let me list the things that have happened in my life in last one year.

- Touched international waters for the first time. I went to San Jose, CA for a month on an official trip. The trip was okay. The OOOH ESS of AYE didn't entice me much. After a month's time I was even more convinced that I wanted to spend rest of my life in India. The only good thing that happened there was cars with automatic transmission and driving at 100 mph.

- Nearly got married. Yes nearly. I was getting married to White, my school-time crush and the only girl I have ever loved. And just one month before the marriage we parted ways. Well, she is married and I am still getting over her. Can't imagine a birthday without her. This birthday would have been the first we would have celebrated not over the phone but with her being right beside me.

- The break-up was followed by six months of alcohol, lots and lots of cigarettes and depression. I must have spent more than a lakh on alcohol and cigarettes. I may not have become an alcoholic but I did come close. But yes, the best part is I don't remember the first six months of 2008.

- During this period I saw six people,who were very close to me, break-up with their loved ones. So now I call 2008 as the year of break-ups.

- Last thing to happen being a 26 year old was the quarter-life crisis (see last post). I wanted to get out of the coding job. Gave my GMAT, screwed it up, thought of packing my bags and going to Australia for MBA and start a new life. I was never a fan of MBA, but making a career shift required me to get that degree. Then I realised what I really wanted to do. I wanted to make a career in Internet-media. The latest on it is that I have nearly got a job, and it comes close to the kind of job I wanted. I haven't yet got an offer letter and so I wait. And seeing my luck in 2008 I fear that something will go wrong. Its been a month and the job thing is not yet confirmed. So all I can do is wait. I had wanted to resign on my birthday but seems I will have to wait a little longer. And the new jobthing is the reason I wanted to throw a huge party to all the people I know in Delhi for one last time. Well, the going-away party will have to wait.

- Some good things that happened in the past one year are

I have started cooking and am loving it
I have started blogging
I have gained weight
And finally, I have discovered some new friends (a post on it later)

I have a gut feeling that this birthday will change a lot of things in my life. Cheers to that and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

The one with the Quarter-life crisis

2008-09-08T18:46:00.000+05:30

The Phoenix is back!!!!!

So many things happened in last couple of months. So many stories to write about. But maybe later.

The latest in my life is my quarter-life crisis. I am tired of my boring software job. I want to move out, but the sad part is I don't know where. I have always been sure about what I want in life. And for the first time I don't know the answer to "what next?".

I never wanted to get into the software field. I gave two and half years of my college life to start up a new company. When I failed at it, I wasn't disheartened. I knew I had White with me. I took up the first job that I got. The logic was to get married to White and settle down. I was happy with my job because it payed better than average s/w firms and the job was not so boring as other s/w jobs.

Now, White is no more in my life. It took me more than five months to get over the relationship and the pain. And by the time I realised that I am not doing the kind of work I have always wanted to do, I had already spent two years of my professional life in this firm.

The big question is - Where do i go from here? Two years of s/w job and a degree in Computer Science from IIT don't leave me with much option. And I cannot explain to people why I was stuck in the s/w industry when I never wanted to be a part of it. For the first time in my life my college degree has become the heaviest load.

Now I am trying to apply for an MBA, not to earn another degree, but to negate my two years of experience and my college degree. And just like everything else going awry in 2008, I screwed up my GMAT.

People ask me which line do I want to go to. I have no answers. They ask me what kind of job I want? Well, All I know is I need a job where I meet a lot of people, learn from them, see the business side of things, enjoy heavy work-load. And by the time I am finished with my description I find myself sounding like a kid who has just joined college.

The only thing I am sure about is that I need to resign from my current job. That will again leave me with two options. One - I change my line, start from the bottom, and work my ass off to rise and shine. Flip side is I won't be paid as much as I am being paid in the current job. Also, I don't know whether I will be able to shine even if I work hard. Second option is to join another s/w firm, get a great hike as compared to my current salary and be content. But will that money make me happy? I do love money - but at what cost? Will it not be the same kind of life again??

I just don't know what to do. I want to take risk - I have done that all my life . But where do i go? What line do I choose? In the past I have counselled so many people to take risk and to follow what their heart says. I have always believed that one should always know what one wants out of life. And here I am - having no clue about life.

Anyhoo,among other things, I need to

- go slow on alcohol and smoking. Well, maybe that will happen when I change my job and will have less of free time. I AM SHAMELESS.

- start playing some sport again.

- tidy up my flat.

- play more on my Nintendo WII

- finish up my essays for B-school applications

- Leave comments on blogs that I read

- Be regular with my blog.

Till then let me hate my life!!!!!!!

Boredom killed the bird

2008-06-06T14:48:00.000+05:30

I have shocked myself by putting up a new post. The way I run my life, methought it would be at least couple of months more before I came up with another post. But as fate would have it, my boss took-off from office after lunch, which means I have 4-5 hours to spend and nothing much to do. So why not update the blog.

Well, readers would be thinking that I usually don't get time in office to indulge in anything other than office work. But people who know me, are very well aware that I just don't work. My firm pays me only for signing the attendance register. And if you don't believe me, you can log on to gtalk and you will be entertained all throughout the day - but of course you won't have so much of a free time.

But I believe that my monthly pay is my hard-earned money. This is because it takes a lot of effort to act that you are busy and you are working. You will say what crap, but this is how it works

You have to stay in office for 6-8 hours, doing nothing yet not dozing-off
You have to be as good with the keyboard as was Beethoven with the piano. Otherwise, you cannot simultaneously chat with 3-5 people, keep shuffling between orkut,facebook and blogs, and find yourself typing lines of code every time you see your boss passing you by.
You should always a have ready list of pending work, so that people don't bug you with their problems.
You have to entertain your team-members at lunch table or at coffee/sutta breaks so that these sessions don't end up in a jiffy and people head back to their work.
And your life becomes all the more difficult if you boss is a workaholic.

So yes, I do earn my money the hard way.

Now normally( or should I say once in a blue moon), when by boss leaves early, I head to Geoffrey's for a couple of bottles of beer. But my partner in crime got married a week back, and he is abstaining form such activities for the time being. So here I am updating my blog.

I suddenly realised that my life is a perfect pitch for a perfect husband of a working girl.

Office hours - 12 noon to 6-7 pm. Which gives him 18 hours to do the daily chores
Will be readily available during office hours if you feel bored and need a conversation over the phone
Knows how to to cook.
Knows how to drive so you don't need a driver to drop you to office or to take you to market
Has envious collection of movies and music.
Loves to spend.
Doesn't carry his work to home
Above all, contributes to the family earnings.

I wish I was a girl - I would have married myself ;(

I should better end the post now. I don't want it to turn into a more weirdly-unrelated-crap than it already is.

P.S. - Two hours still to go.

P.P.S - 1.5 hours.
.............
* Boredom kills phoenix*

Songs about rain

2008-05-07T13:11:00.000+05:30

I loved the rains. It was my favourite season/weather. When I was a kid, I used to sit in my balcony, and watch the rainfall for hours. I just loved the sight of rain-water flooding the garden, a heavy stream flowing through the drains, people taking shelter inside the house under construction which was right across the street, the dark clouds, the lightening, in fact I loved just everything. If I were in school, I would make sure that I go out and play in the rains and get completely drenched. Even in college, my favorite days were the first monsoon rain. It was a pretty sight.

Rain had a special place in my relationship with White. I met White for the first time , when I was in sixth grade. I was representing my school in some Maggie quiz and White was representing hers. We were travelling in the same bus to reach the venue. And it rained all the day long. The most prominent memory of our first meeting was the rains.
White joined my school in 11th grade. That was when I ended up having a crush on her. And I remember those rainy days, when we were forced to stay back in the class in those free periods, which meant a chat session with White and her friends. Or after school, when I would purposely pass by her side drenching in the rain, when she would offer me to come under her umbrella (it was stupid and kiddish yet sweet).
When she proposed to me on the phone, I remember standing in the balcony watching the drizzle outside.
And it was raining on our first date . We went for a movie on her scooty (she would say its not a scooty its Activa). By the time we reached the theatre we were both wet. And it rained the whole day, and the next few days. Every day we would get wet and would end up in Barista , shivering, with coffee.
Whenever it rained, I would call her up (even if she was hundreds of miles away) , and we would dream of the time when we could enjoy the rains together in our balcony. So many memories .....

Its raining here today. And I hate it. I feel like throwing-up every minute. Every minute brings back those beautiful memories. And I cannot call her and tell her about the rain. And I realize that we will never ever be able to share the moment together. Will this ever end? I know there will be many more rainy days in my life. I know every time it would remind me of her. And I know it will leave me nauseated.

I HATE IT. I HATE THE RAINS.

Well this town has closed down, way too early
And there's nothing to do
So I'm driving around in circles
And I'm thinking about you
Today I heard you got a new last name
I sure didn't know it was gonna hit me this way
And the radio just keeps on playing all these
Songs About Rain...

Now there's all kinds of songs about babies
and love that goes right,
But for some unknown reason
Nobody wants to play them tonight,
Hey, I hope it's sunny wherever you are
That's sure not the picture, tonight in my car
And it sure ain't easin' my pain
All these songs like...

"Rainy Night In Georgia"
and "Kentucky Rain"
"Here Comes That Rainy Day Feeling Again",
"Blue Eyes Cryin" in the "Early Morning Rain"
They go on and on, and there's no two the same
Oh it would be easy to blame all these
Songs About Rain

Well, I thought I was over you
But I guess maybe I'm not
'Cause when I let you go
Looks like lonely is all that I got
I guess I'll never know what could have been
it sure ain't helping this mood that I'm in
If they're gonna keep on playin these songs like...

"Rainy Night In Georgia"
and "Kentucky Rain"
"Here Comes That Rainy Day Feeling Again",
"Blue Eyes Cryin" in the "Early Morning Rain"
They go on and on, and there's no two the same
Oh how I wish I could blame all these
Songs About Rain

All these Songs About Rain...

- Garry Allan - Songs about rain

...into the shining sun

2008-04-29T07:28:00.000+05:30

Why is it that you don't believe it until you see it? And when you see it, you wish that you hadn't.

White got married on 20th. But there was no special gloom on that day. Or maybe arrival of the parents took away any chance of such an event. The thought remained at the back of the mind but never really came to the front until the other day.
I opened my orkut account and I saw the list of updates of people in my friends list. And there it was. A set of fourteen pictures of White's marriage. Her husband ( how strange it sounds) had supposedly put up the pictures of the marriage. And believe you me, curiosity does indeed kill the cat. I peeped into the album and then it really struck me. Till that time, there was a stupid, impossible but faint hope that maybe they didn't get married. But now I had visual proofs. It was all there. Each photo, telling a tale of its own, telling me it could have been me in the pictures, reminding me of all the dreams that we had dreamt together of how our marriage would be. Those photos will always be there to remind me of what I have missed.
Anyhoo, for one last time I must say this to myself - Now its finally the time to move on. May White have a great married life. Its time to bring back the spices and cook a new life for me.
And as the song goes

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the moment had arrived

For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the waiting had begun

And headed straight..into the shining sun

One of the better tags

2008-04-12T01:02:00.000+05:30

This was an im-promtu tag for me in one of the parties ( not to mention that i was drunk when i took it). I vaguley remember what my anwers were, but i want to take it again. I had promised the person who introduced me to the tag, that i will put his/her link on the post whenever i take this tag. But, i want to say sorry to him/her because I want to keep my anon. thing going. So here it goes:

Rules of the tag : Various situations are given. You have to come up with a song( or set of songs) that aptly describe the particular situation in your life.

Your Life: The Soundtrack

Opening credits: main huun DON

Waking up : if i were a carpenter/ ring of fire

Average day: main zindagi ka saath nibhata chula gaya

First date :My heart is beating/ kuch kuch hota hai/ tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata koi

Falling in love : You fill up my senses(Annie's song)/ time's a wastin'/pal pal dil ke paas

Love scene: Making love out of nothing at all

Fight scene: i get knocked down(tubthumping)

Breaking up: Baat niklegi toh duur talak jaayegi / din dhal jaaye/ mera kuch samaan

Getting back together: Coming back to life

Secret love : pretty woman

Life's okay : Turn the page

Mental breakdown : yaad aa rahi hai

Driving : yeh raasta hai zindagi/paradise city/

Learning a lesson : turn the page

Deep thought : in the dangling conversation

Flashback : Tum se hi/ pal pal dil ke paas

Partying : Roadhouse blues

Happy dance : Whole Lotta Love

Regretting : yeh shaam fir nahi aayegi/wish you were here

Long night alone: sound of silence

Death scene : yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaaye

Closing credits : comfortably numb/whisky lullaby

Now, let me tell you readers these songs may not be the apt ones, but these are the ones currently going in my mind . i will definately update this blog from time to time to make it more true and apt.

And now time to play the devil.

I tag

Moo
Pri
Muggermuch ( i know you won't be taking this up .. but what the hell, i will give it a shot )
Avani ( if you have a blog )
anyone who wants to take it

Biryani Nights

2008-04-04T04:13:00.000+05:30

Its been a month since I started cooking. Whenever you start cooking, you dream of cooking something exotic right from day one. One of such dishes on my wishlist was Kashmiri Mutton Biryani. So last week I finally decided to try my luck. But mind you, for a lazybone like me, the gestation period for any trivial task goes into weeks. Like, it took me three weeks to finally buy a running shoes that i needed for my gym and squash. And its been more than a month since i decided that i should join a gym and resume playing squash. It took me more than a month to get up early and go to office before noon.

To cook the biryani I needed to do a little bit of shopping. And it took me five days before I finally ended up shopping for the ingredients. And what an experience it was. Imagine a young guy going to a shop (famous for stocking various kinds of spices) which is full of species from the Venus-land. This is how it went

Me: Bhaiya kaun kaun se masale hote hain
( It was as if i had asked "aapke paas kaun kaun se condom hain" , because suddenly all eyes focussed on me as if I was the shop-jester for the night)
guy behind the counter(GBTC) : (with a smirk) aapko kaun se masale chahiye
Me: Mujhe maloom hota toh kya main aapse yeh poochta ki masale kitne tarah ke hote hain
GBTC : Humare paas 100 se bhi zyada masale hain.
( realising that this conversation was not going anywhere i tried recollecting all the ingredients from the recipe i picked from the net)
Me : Laung, Ilaichi, sheh-zeera, cardamon ,cinnamon ...
GBTC :(interrupting) carmom,chinmom kya hota hai
Me : Arre hadd karte ho, maloom hota toh bolta na hindi mein
GBTC : yahaan bahut customer hain, aap pata karke aayeeye ki aapko kya chaahiye
( Now I was on the verge of losing my temper, when suddenly the owner of the shop - an old lady, came to my rescue)
The old lady( TOL) : Beta cardamon bole toh ilaichi, cinnamon bole toh dal-chini. Waise tum kya bananae waale ho?
Me : Aunty abhi tak toh biryani banane ki koshish kar raha tha, par lagta nahi ki banega.
TOL : Koi nahi main batati huun kya kya masala chahiye.
( then she orders GBTC to get a list of things which i had no clue of)
Me: ( trying not to be naive)Aunty, mujhe kesar bhi chahiye.
TOL: Beta, kesar sone ke bhav ka bikta hai
Me : (snobbishly) haan aunty suna hai mehenga hai, par koi baat nahi
TOL: Tum samjhe nahi, mehenga nahi , actually sone ke bhav ka hota hai kesar, 240 Rs mein 1 gram.
( That was like a bomb dropping on my head. Took me time before i recovered)
Me: ( the sound barely coming from my throat) accha aunty 1 gram hi de dijiye.
........

So finally i was done with all the shopping. But when i reached home, i saw that my net connection was gone and i had forgot to save the page. Again i had to wait for 2 more days before the connection was restored.
Yesterday, after refusing two tasty dinner invitations and with a resolve to conquer the elusive world of cooking , I came back at 11 in the night to cook my Kashmiri mutton biryani.

This is how it progressed at midnight
This was the mutton being prepared before the biryani with all the "carmoms" and "chinmoms in it"

And this is how it looked at 1:30 am

And to be very frank for a first timer it was awesome. And I believe in 2-3 attempts, i will become a master of kasmiri mutton biryani.

And my parents, when they come in May, are in for a serious surprise :D. And just to prove that it was really edible, I had the left over as dinner tonight .....and it was still amazing.

Tag -eh!!!

2008-04-04T02:36:00.000+05:30

So I was gone for long. Blame the Internet provider.
Anyway, I have been tagged for quite sometime by Moo, and since its my first tag, i should oblige. So here it goes ...

Ten things you wish you could say to people right now (without taking their names):

Why did it have to happen to us.
I am happy that I don't believe that you exist and if you do, then I don't care
Thank you for helping me get back to things I loved to do and was scared to do them ever.
Even if we were the best of friends, this is a new start to a never-ending friendship.
I always feared that you were better than me and you proved me wrong, but I hope that you live up to the expectations of the people who believe in you.
I hope you get all that you dreamed of and never got.
I hate to hate you and i love that i love you
This time around i will definitely exceed your expectations
Get married for heaven's sake.
Thank you for everything.

Nine things about yourself:

I love playing/watching any kind of sport.
I need the music to be playing even if i am in the shower
A non-vegetarian to the core.
I am a confused bloke when it comes to forming an impression of a person, but when i do its impossible to change it.
I am a social person but I can survive without people for days, provided i have Internet, books and movies
I find 8/10 people i meet to be dumb and boring
I will open up a theme restaurant at 35
I suck when it comes to saving money
Over the years I have realised that alcohol is my babe.

Eight ways to win your heart:

I will skip this one because to win my heart you will have to compete with White and as of now it will be equivalent to Napoleon looking for the only word that's missing in his dictionary. :P

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

Will I be able to start a life without White.
I need to join the gym
I need to get the parking in the office basement.
Am i doing justice to my career?
Am I drinking today?
When will I pay all my credit card bills
I need to buy a couch, a TV stand, a nice stereo for my car, an apartment ......

Six things you wish you never did:

Work for somebody else
Let White slip away from me
Get back to smoking after quitting it for good
Try to be good to people when i should have given them my piece of mind
Choose the college where i did my graduation
Lend books

Five Turn offs:

bad food
smelly creatures
people with poor sense of humour
A bad movie/book
short hair

Four turn ons:

alcohol/coffee
well-read people
a particular brand of perfume
rain

Three things you want to do before you die:

Open up a restaurant
Watch all the Formula one races/watch Inter Milan vs AC Milan/watch Lakers match
Bungee-jumping/sky-diving/surfing

Two smileys that describe you:

One confession:

This one kept me thinking for 15 minutes, and all my sins flashed in front of my eyes, and now I won't love myself till tomorrow morning :( .But just for the heck of the tag let me put a lame confession which doesn't sound like a confession : I don't believe in god.

I don't tag anyone as all you people who read my blog have already taken up this one or have stopped updating your blogs.

A perfect day???

2008-03-25T00:46:00.000+05:30

Today was a new day in my life. A new beginning. I did change the daily schedule of past few months. I forced myself to sleep before three in the morning (I really don't know when i finally went to sleep), woke up at eight. I, after ages, finally managed to see whether my Bai actually cleans the house or not - she ain't that bad :) . Actually, every morning she rings the bell, I open the door in a half drunken state, and then collapse in bed, until she wakes me up before leaving. And then i wonder whether she stayed even for five minutes ( leave alone whether she has cleaned the house or not).
Anyway, Bai was very happy to see me awake, when she came in, and I could actually see her smile when she found no half-filled whisky glass or a can of beer around my bed. And believe you me, that did bring me a new energy to start a good day.
After ages I reached the office at ten. Even the security guards had a weird smile on their face when they saw my car enter the premises so early. And this was the first day in 2008, that i was able to park my car in the basement and not out in the sun (Yay... that was really an acheivement). My team-mates were amazed to see me keep my promise of someday coming to office before ten. Sadly my boss wasn't around to see me come so early :( .
The obvious effect of going against your body clock could be seen as early as noon. I was yawning every other second. Finally I dozed off to sleep in my cubicle after a heavy lunch. Now a point to note is that the fact that my boss wasn't in office did act as a perfect lullaby. When I woke up after say half an hour of sleep, I saw my boss very much there in office, and of all places , right in the next cubicle. But anyway, next half an hour went in damage control.
I finally returned from office at half-past nine and pretty much tired. I had a decent dinner ( which was becuase i did not cook today) and just a couple of drinks with my friends.

As I sit to write this blog, I wonder - Is my life finally back on track??? People in my office hadn't seen me beaming with so much energy in ages, I wasn't more busy than today, I had all the three meals of the day and i didn't drink myself to sleep. Whatelse could I ask for? But then this brain does work in the strangest of ways. Today is a day when I miss White the most. It just feels like I acheived so much in a day that I need to tell White about it all, as I had been doing so, past so many years. Today was a day, when after fully being engrossed in work for an hour or so, I took a break to go to the terrace for a smoke, it felt like everything was normal. It was as it used to be, when i would take a break from work, go to the terrace, and call up White, talk to her, hear her laugh, get back the energy and go back to work. Everything seemed so normal except that I couldn't call up White. Today i really-really miss those mid-night conversations, when we would talk about our day-to-day life, when she would laugh hysterically on my jokes, discuss about movies and books, dream about our marriage, and when four out of five times she would doze off on the phone, when she wouldn't let me keep the phone even if she was half-asleep, when i would whisper "I love you" knowing that she is asleep, hoping her brain dosen't hear these words or else she would wake up but her heart hears it so that she has sweet sweet dreams.

So who says life is fair. I should have been sleeping like a log after such a busy and content kind of day, But here I am, all alone in my bed, ina foetal position ,clinging to my pillow, staring at the silhouette of the fan in the dark, smoking a cigarette, missing White's laughter, missing seeing her sleep, missing her.

Dreams are my reality

the only real kind of real fantasy

illusions are a common thing

I try to live in dreams

it seems as if it's meant to be.

Dreams are my reality

a different kind of reality

I dream of loving in the night

and loving seems alright

although it's only fantasy.

I Decide

2008-03-21T04:46:00.000+05:30

So I just vanished from the scene past couple of days. I am still to decide whether it was a good break from everything or it was pure running away from realities.
I skipped office for a couple of days without informing anyone and so its a long five-day weekend for me. And I have been drinking my heart out, and will continue doing so for the next three days and then maybe I will take a break from it. Its again one of those promises that I have been doing to myself and others that next week onwards I will get my life on track. And I just hope that this time, I do keep my promise.

Many things happened in the last few days. I called up White (methinks it will definately go down as my last conversation with her). I am proud of myself that I had a very normal conversation with her. I asked for her marriage date. She said "Phoenix how can I tell YOU the marriage date, I just can't do this to you". But finally i tricked her and acted very normal to get to know that its 19th April ( Another date gets added to my already long list of dates). But anyway somehow, the pain was less this time. We chatted for an hour, talked about things in life, laughed together and every thing went as if two friends were doing the catching-up-with-times kind of conversation. I just hope she is happy in her life. The only part that saddens me is the life she has chosen to live. She is a doctor in army and she really really hated the army life. I would always tell her that its a temporary phase and she will one day get out of the army. But now she is marrying a doctor who is also in army, so now she has to be a part of army all her life. I just hope she adjusts to it.

Now it was also one of those days, when so many people kept on telling me to get hold of my life. We were having one of those long drinking sessions, and then i got into a fight with Longhair.
I know he meant well for me, when he said that he wanted me to stop drinking. But one should know what one should say. I agree that he is my friend, but he has no right to put conditions on my life. He had no right to ask for a date when i will stop drinking, and it was foolish of him to say that he will only talk to me once i really stop drinking all alone. That is when i decided that I had enough. No one can decide about my life. I know I have been going through a bad phase, I have been doing some stupid stuff, but its me who decides the rights and wrongs in my life. I know friends and family always expect the best for you, but then the line should not be crossed. Anyway, so that was the conversation which kind of changed me. And I know i will get hold of the things in my life, and never again let anyone decide for me. I can now proudly say that now i have become strong enough to face the world. I won't pursue happiness, but i will definately fight out the sadness, the gloom, the failure of my life.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

- Invictus by W.E. Henley

P.S. - Let this post be incomplete for now.

Hope - fire -ash -wind

2008-03-14T00:42:00.000+05:30

So what's the latest? Well, White is getting married I think in a months time. That's life for you - the more you start loving it, the more difficult it becomes, the more you chase it, the farther it goes and when you think you have understood the game and you turn your back to it, it comes back, yes, it comes back with vengeance to start the game again.

I thought I was trying to get normal, was learning to live my life without White. But then, I was wrong. It started in a birthday party. I was in a process of getting wasted. I met a guy ( some asshole who happened to be department mate in college), who had been spreading rumours all over my friend circle ( or my college circle to be more correct) that i was keeping sick all the time. The best part is i haven't met him in .... 4-5 months. And here he was, telling everyone that i had been visiting doctors everyday , as if the fuckhead was the one taking me to them. So anyway, i got my chance to confront him, right in the party. I was just looking for a moment when i could corner him, and give him my peice of mind. Conversation of the hour was marriage and girlfriends. People were pulling each others legs, when, of all the people in the room, one my friends ( time has come to introduce you to Longhair - we have been friends and next door neighbours all our college life and we shared the apartment together before i moved alone. I wont say we are the best of friends, even though we have spent so many years together maybe because time and agian he has given me enough reasons not to be so ), Longhair goes like "........ and thats the reason why Phoenix could not get married". And i just snapped. I know people can go overboard when drunk but do they have the liberty to say just anything. It was my first socializing since my break-up, and right in the first one, one of my best friends makes my situation a subject of ridicule, just to get some pats on the back for being funny. What can i expect out of other people who don't even know my state of mind? The night was gone for me. I kept on drinking, and one after the other, everyone tried to make me speak a word, and everyone infact was trying to get rid off their guilt.

Anyway, fully drunk and wasted , i returned to my apartment, opened my lappy and connected the net. While surfing through my orkut, i wandered to some of White's friends' profiles. And there it was written in one of the scraps - White was getting married in a month's time. A month - thats it. I knew it was inevitable, but i had a hope. Who doesn't have one even if its a false hope - a dying man hopes for heaven, a man dying of cancer hopes for a peaceful death, a rose hopes of going into a lover's hand while being plucked, a matchstick hopes of becoming a part of a fire before being put out, and the phoenix hopes to rise from the ashes while burning in the fire. But hope is a denial of today rather than an expectation of tomorrow. The "matchstick" did light a fire, and the "Phoenix" did burn in that fire with the hope, but the "wind" blew away the ashes before it could rise from it.

And so here i am waiting to find out White's wedding date, the day when Phoenix will burn in the same fire around which White will will take her marriage vows. Will the phoenix rise from the ashes i don't know, will the phoenix blow away in the wind , i don't know, but yes what i know is that the phoenix won't hope.

P.S. - Achievement - Today's the 36th day without break that i am drinking. A new drinking feat for me ..YAY

The women in my life

2008-03-09T03:17:00.000+05:30

It was women's day yesterday. And somehow I came to a conclusion that women shouldn't be the one celebrating Women's Day - It should be the men. Irrespective of what anyone believes, the truth remains that its female species that truly defines a man. So here's to all the women in my life.

My Mom - Its said that mothers never have favourites when it comes to their children. But let me for once be unfair to my brother and sister and say that i have been her favourite. She has been a strict mother whenever it came to my studies or my habbits. But she also has been my biggest supporter. She has moulded me into the person i am today. She taught me about life and about people. A true inspiration in every sense. She taught me how to fight in life for whatever you believe in, and not to rest until you acheive it. She taught me that you always don't get whatever you wish for, but you contniue your life with a set of new aspirations. And teh most important thing that she taught me was to be independent and to take my own decisons and not to worry about the world. Thank you Mom, for bringing me to this world. I will make you proud someday.

My Sis - She is ten years elder to me. Many think that with such an age difference, we don't connect well as brothers and sisters. But all my life she has been the first one with whom i have shared my success, my mischiefs and my sorrows. Had it not been for her, i wouldn't have done well academically. She taught me, scolded me, slapped me and used every trick in the book to make me study and be the the first in my class. Its surprising for my friends, when i tell them i wanted to be a computer engineer right when i was in eighth grade or that i wanted to get into IIT right when i was in fifth grade. But yes, its true, thanks to my sister. We used to discuss my career always, and she would teach me about the various career options that existed, when i was a ten year old. Even though, we kind of drifted apart when i joined college, and we didn't always agree about things in my life, she has been a keen listener to my dreams and aspirations. She didn't discourage me when i told my family that i would open up a start-up and would not take up a job. She just made me realise the practicalities of life, and then left it on my judgement. She was the first one in my family to know that i wanted to marry White. She always supported my decision, and when i broke up with White, she was the one who took care of the situation at home, consoling my parents and consoling me all the time. She has indeed been one of the support pillars of my life. Thank you Didi for always being there for me.

Rose - Its strange how people whom you don't know so much, suddenly become so important in your life. Rose is one of White's best friends, right from college days. When my relationship with White ended, White asked Rose to take care of me, see that i don't end up doing anything stupid, and help me get on with my life. Past couple of months, Rose has beared all my "My world is ending" kind of talk. She makes it a point that she comes online everyday and just chat about anything and everything going on in my life. She is simply great when it comes to changing topics whenever i start riminating about my wasted life. And i have learned a lot from her experiences in life, and about how people go on to fight the life they live. Thanks Rose, for bearing me and helping me fight my sorrows.

Freedom - This girl will be surprised to see herself in this list. We have never met each other. We met through Orkut, and generally through chats and scraps became friends. And she kept on pestering me, what her nick will be on my blog. ( " Freedom it was a no-brainer - I hope you like your nick"). So she is the one who inspired me to write blogs, and thanks to her i am a blog-addict now. Whenever i want to read something good - she is my girl. And past couple of months she's been a true entertainment channel for me. Whenever i am down, i always find her online to lift my spirits and to bring a smile on my face. I sometimes wonder, why would anyone whom you have never met,try to share your grief, try to lessen your pain. What does she get out of it. Nothing. But maybe all great human beings share this trait. ("Freedom if you are reading this, then please baloon ke tarah phool mat jaana - what will happen to your weight-loss resolutions"). Thanks Freedom for all the "e-care" and "e-support".

White - The last person i want to write about is White, but i won't write much about her as no words can describe the importance of her existence in my life. Fate can take you away from me but it cannot take away those dreams i dreamt with you and those great moments that i spent with you and away from you. The last few years have been the best of my life and i will cherish them always. You have showed me what life is and what it ought to be. You defined me for me. And i won't write anything more, because these stupid words are just not enough. You are a part of me, and you will always be "the woman of my life". Thanks White for everything. I firmly believe that we will be together someday, maybe in next life. You indeed are "awesome".

A date with dates

2008-03-07T02:10:00.000+05:30

Do we always fights dates and events of the past all our lives. Isn't there a magic potion which just deletes these dates and events?

Today was Shivratri. So?? Well it was a shivratri 2 years back. I had gone to meet White to Pune where her college was. We planned to go to Lonavla on her scooty ( "its an activa not a scooty" - she would always say). The night before after seeing her off to her hostel i headed to meet a senior of mine ( He was one my favourite seniors in college). We drank all night and all through the night i kept on reminding them that i have to get up at 5 in the morning. We drank till 4 in the morning, then went to bed all wasted. But i did wake up at 5:30. Half-asleep i headed to my hotel ( was very lucky to get an auto that time in teh morning), took a bath and reached her hostel around 7 still fighting my sleep. But the moment i saw her in her beautiful red top ( which ofcourse we bought together), my sleep was gone. Her friends came out to see her off with grins on their faces.
We drove for around two hours i think. When we reached there, i was really hungry and thought of buying something, when White told me that it was Shivratri and she had her fast. She insisted that i eat, but i just couldn't. But she forced me to drink a Pepsi because a poor little boy was trying hard to sell his stuff. Then we sat at a quite place and just talked and talked for hours.
While heading back, White suggested that we stop by a famous temple which was on one of the hills. So we drove up the hill, then walked for a kilometer or so. The climb up started giving me cramps. Last nights binge drinking and the fast started having their effects. Anyway we reached the top. There was a beautiful cave at the top, which i must admit was beautiful. I wasn't fond of temples, but that day with White by my side it felt soothing. We prayed together, and i don't know how or why, I suddenly got a feeling that i am married. I don't know if there exists a thing called marrying in the mind, but i did marry her that day. Might sound stupid, but somehow i got a feeling - that moments onwards we were a couple ( a married couple in the mind).
Anyway, while we were praying we had bought a coconut, we had to break it in front of some deity or something. White had teh coconut and i asked her to break it. A person nearby stopped us and said that its not right for a woman to break the coconut. I was like -dude get out of these
chauvinistic and male-centric stupid rituals, it hardly matters whether the male does it or the female as long as they are together.
Anyway, we had a great time together that day , a time i will cherish all my life. Well, its Shivratri today and each and every thing that happened that day keeps on flashing in front of my eyes. And all i can do is remember that day, finish off my glass of whisky, fill another one, light a cigg. , and cry.
Well MOTS ( moral of the story) is - All you couples and lovers, if you beleive in the stupid concept of god and you visit temples together, then let the man break the nariyal .

Anyhoo, today i went to meet a very close friend of mine , Young. We have been greatest of friends right from school days. Well we had a starnge bet between us. It was like whoever gets married first will have to give the other person one lakh rupees and keep on giving one lakh everytime he becomes a father till the other guy gets married. I have won my one lakh and many more lakhs seem probable [:P]. He got married a few days back to a very beautiful and lovely girl. I feel happy for him. I was supposed to get married to White, just four days after Young got married. Both of us were so happy that we would be able to attend each others marriage (Young lives in Australia so it wa snice to have the dates so close to each other). So Young is happily married and i am sipping my whisky all alone.
So i went ot meet Young as he is flying to Melbourne tomorrow. It felt nice to see the lovely couple together. Young - I wish you a very happy and fun-filled married life.

And another couple of days have passed by and haven't been able to reach office before noon. And i am surprised my boss hasn't said a word to me. And it seems my hitting the gym won't materialize this week too. Sad.

Of cricket and phonecalls

2008-03-05T01:29:00.000+05:30

So White called me up today. And now i wonder why? Maybe she just wanted to check out whether i am alive and okay to save her the guilt trips, maybe she was plainly worried as i stopped bugging her, or maybe she really missed me ( hah... there wakes up Mr Hope yet again).

And everytime i talk to her, i wonder and dread and hope not that it will be the last time i hear her voice.

Atleast i was able to act normal on the phone. Atleast, I fooled her to think that i am starting to get out of it. And i wonder, was it right to act so normal and stuff. What if i told her what i was going through, maybe she would have come back to me out of sheer pity? But then again i love her. Atleast she deserves to be happy. Atleast one of us deserves to live a happy life. Why let her feel guilty? It will atleast help her forget me.

So anyway, as the conversation continued alongwith long pauses, heavy breaths, silent sobbings at both ends and the signal fluctuating( these airtel people didn't spare even this conversation, someday when i become a rich man, i will personally sponsor a few more towers at current White's place, who knows, had there been more towers near her hospital, there wouldn't have been so many broken conversations and right this moment i would have been writing a blog on how wonderful our honeymoon was and what a wonderful feeling it is to get married after fighting so many odds)....

So the conversation continued, and she told me what a few other people on phone or chat had been telling me past couple of days - "You sound a lot better than last time". And i again smiled silently - Is it so simple to fool people about your feelings or your well-being. Maybe its easy, if i could fool White or my family then it actually is very easy to fool people. But then i remember what my friend New told me - " Don't act normal. Its not possible for a person to be normal so fast. Don't be a different person in front of people. Don't care about people, its not easy to get over this. Be whatever you are. don't act" That leaves me wondering, is it me who's making a fool out of myself. Is it okay to cry in public instead of running to toilets to cry, is it normal to have those fits where you lose track of time, is it okay to take those storng anti-depressant medicines that make you hysterically happy even if its for few hours????

I really don't have answers to these things. People who are around me have always in the past been able to guess or get out of me the reason for my sadness. But i have found a new me, whom i always feared lived somewhere inside me. The Me, who simply hides the pain from the people around, the Me who laughs normally when each part of him is crying. Yes, inspite of so many hours of conversations, or so many drinks, or so many sessions of caring that my family or my friends or those fuckheads (who generally get thrill out of somebody elses lifes) have bestowed upon me, i didn't tell them the reason, why the perfect couple broke. What was so earth-shattering that forced two people, whom the world considered to be the most matured couple, to seperate ways. But i won't let them know. i don't want them to judge our relationship, i also know that nobody other than us can understand the circumstances. It happened to me, so its me who has to suffer. And i will as long as i can and i will do whatever i have to.

Anyway we talked, and now i itch to sms her at two in the night, but i know i have no right to. Maybe one of the reasons i lost her was i used to think a lot about what was right what was wrong, i thought what would be good for her and what was not. Maybe i did think a lot all through my fairytale relationship with her even if it was always for her own good. So in short maybe i thought more than i was supposed to and i missed on what i should have done instead of thinking. But anyway the list of what i should have done and what not, will never end all my life.MOTS ( moral of the story) is i won't sms her and bug her and let her drift away ( or maybe she already has).

Anyway in other news India did defeat Australia comprehensively. Atleast something to cheer about. But even the fucking cricket reminds me of her. All my life, nothing has been able to take away my attention from a India match if i am watching, not my mother's scolding , not my exams, not even my office. And when i once told this fact to White while watching a match(
an india-sri lanka match i remember where Uthappa was in full flow), all it took was an awesome smile and a passionate touch from her, and i forgot that i was watching a match. And then after that even her phone calls could easily divert my attention from a match. But sadly now, again i have nothing to take me away form a cricket match.

Among other things i definately need to go to office at 10 and not 12 tomorrow. And i was supposed to go to the gym from tomorrow, but it seems i will have to procrastinate it for a day [:P].

Life Afresh????

2008-03-02T18:49:00.000+05:30

So it turned out to be those weekends when you drink, drink and yes drink. I remember White ( the "She" of my life) telling me the four or five questions that determine whether you are an alcoholic or not. And even then i came close to being one:) , though i was definately not one. But at present i do feel like i am turning into one. And the symptoms..
- I rush back from office so that i can open up the bottle.
- I love drinking in the morning or afternoon( of course on weekends)
- People around me keep telling me to cut it down.
- Ofcourse i have started enjoying drinking alone.

Maybe i have turned into an alcoholic ( i still doubt though), but thanks to the early onset of summer in Delhi, i will soon be shifting to beer. It has the added benefit that i will gain weight. That gets me to ponder, my weight is back to what it was when i was in college and before White proposed to me and we officially became a couple. I gained some 10-12 kgs in the past 2-3 years. But i am back to square one. Does love help you gain weight - I wonder. That probably explains why people get fat after marriage.
Anyway now since i am all alone, i must prove this theory wrong and gain some weight. But this requires a lot of effort. I will have to 1.) hit the gym ( i have somehow always considered gyming as physical labour for which you are not even paid - playing any sport is anyday more fun), 2.) Become a complete cook - somehow i have got the crazy idea in my head to cook for myself and not get a cook after moving alone to my new apartment. Now that means i will have to also cook nutritious food for me and all that crap, 3.) i definately have to buy a fridge to stock beer, cheese, butter, eggs, salami etc..

There are some more to-do lists that i need to as a step to move forward in life
- Get back to my reading habbits . Its so hard to get a book in hand. It reminds me of White and how we had dreamt of having a room full of books in our dream house and how all our friends used to freak out on our love for books.
- Be regular for squash and maybee badminton on weekends. Or will it be Tennis and cricket on weekends . Bloody confusing if you love playing all these games.
- Buy shoes and slippers.
- Buy clothes
- cut down on whisky and get to beer
- cut down on smoking( though i don't see the urge to do so)
- Get serioulsy involved in my project at office
- will this list evr end . i am not putting down any more to-dos

People say starting life afresh is a wonderful experience. Even i believed so. But i tell you its not. Its just a diversion, a compromise with life. How i wish i didn't have to start live afresh. Read in the paper today that its not bad to fall in love and then fall out of it. It leaves you with a rich experience and all that crap. The article did pose a question - Is it better to fall in love and fall out of it than to never fall in love? I don't have the answer to it. Yes all these years were the best in life. Nobody could have been happier than me. But if it had to end this way then wouldn't it have been better that it never happened. I will say maybe its White's fault. Had she not been so awesome, life without her would have been bearable. I don't know whether i was her perfect guy or not, but i always knew that even if i had got into an arranged marriage with her, with no love around, even then i know she would have been the perfect one for me. I know nobody will match her awesomeness. She was made for me. But yes ideal things are not present in the real world. Idealness is what you wish for and aim to achieve, you may come close to reaching it but you never achieve idealness.

I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet born within the cage,
That never knew the summer woods;
I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;
Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.
I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘T is better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Start where it ends

2008-02-29T23:30:00.000+05:30

"I was born when you kissed me.I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me."

This post starts with the promise that i made to you that this is the last day of my existence. If you ever come across this blog, you will will be happy to know that i did not die. But you might also realize
that the person you knew, the person whom you fell in love with , fails to exist anymore.

The me of the past ....
- believed in God.
- believed in the fact that you make your fate
- believed the world was YOU
- believed to dream

The me now...
- Is so relieved that there is no god. Its such a pleasant experience to know that there is no god.
You know that whatever you do, there's no one judging you, no one whom you are answerable to. You don't have to run to your god and plead everytime you or the people whom you love are in trouble. And for me , i don't have to fight my sleep every night so that i don't forget to pray. Thank you for taking away this burden from me.

- But yes, there's Mr. Fate. And you cannot fool him. He will be a part of your life, irrespective of how much you try to be independent. He is there to remind you " I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger" so don't you attempt to "poison and destroy my brothers".

- I still believe the world is YOU, but sweetheart i know its a lost world. It was Utopia that i dreamed of.
- You taught me to dream. You told me that it was fate that brought us together. You made me realise that - yes, dreams to come true, the one up above gives you what your heart earnestly asks for. But now i do realise that you are only allowed to dream. If you get it enjoy while it lasts. Because one fine day Mr Fate might try to find some spice in his life and might just snatch it away from you , lay back an denjoy the show. And your so called non-existent Mr.God will not come to your rescue, irrespective of how good a person you are or how much you deserve what you had or how much you plead( read pray).
Moral of the story - don't dream and give Mr Fate a chance to cook up a bollywood masala.

I always told you that you will make me a better man. I wont become one 'coz you are not there anymore to make me one, but yes your absence will make me a man who can survive happily in this hollow, insipid world.

After this one long post and the beginning of a new ME, i came to realize that if Mr Fate was a
Yash Chopra, then Mr Dream is a Bhansali.
- I will wait for YOU all my life and dream the impossible.

Till then cheers to the lovely couple of Mr whisky and Miss Benson Hedges